How do you move forward without trust?

[Hebrews12]

My husband and I had a long skype talk with our uBPDd 38 the other night and I am trying to keep a level head about the outcome. 

To give credit when it is due, she actually apologized for her outburst a few weeks ago, and owned that she said what she said to me intentionally to hurt me.  This is the first time she's ever done that.  There is always a "but" following her apologies which render them non-apologetic  or she focuses on the defense that "it wasn't intentional" and skips the actual apology. 

I accepted the apology without threatening language, like, "Ok, but never do that again."  I just said, "Thank you for apologizing.  What you said really hurt me deeply."

There was a lot of ground to cover in that conversation and we had to be intentional in setting aside the topic of her and her husband adopting more children because it would have worn us all out trying to cover everything in one fell blow.   

The thing that irritates me is the feeling that she is "taking the high road" with us.   And that just doesn't play with me. It doesn't feel authentic. 

She was also pretty quick to set limits around us, and of course make demands.  She says that we just have to deal with the fact that she has a big family and they are loud and noisy and that is just how it goes.  That is what family is.  And we HAVE TO deal with it because they are moving back (sooner rather than later) and she will NOT have the relationship in the state it is in now. 

We tried to explain that we are introverts.  We do not "gain energy" by being around a lot of people, regardless of who they are.  My husband is from a large family (9kids) and from a very young age he always went off on his own.  I had 4 brothers (I'm the youngest) but I only grew up with one in the house.  I was also geographically isolated so I learned to make the most of solitude and now I need it.   

As I write this, I see that maybe we fell into the trap of "trying to explain" and defend who we are and how we want to live. 

I am heartily tired of doing that. 

I suggested that the topic of the next skype call should be, "How do big beautiful families share love with introverts," and this seemed to fly over fairly well.  She has at least one young son that is also an introvert.  And she knows it.  So, I want to know how she allows him decompression time.  And just what it is she thinks we HAVE TO do. 

I know I am rambling a bit, but as we move into the next phase of dialogue, I am asking myself how much I trust this process.  I certainly do not trust her.  I would trust a stranger on the street to treat me with more empathy than her in any given situation. 

The thought of her moving back in state/in our town, fills me and husband with dread.  We told her that she could not stay with us.  But as we had tabled the adoption/moving out here conversation we didn't get into it in great detail.  But we have said, DO NOT ASSUME you are staying with us.  (We don't have the physical space and do not have the emotional reserves for her to move her family out here and then lean on us as she gets standing. 

As it stands now, we are using skype to talk about things in small doses.  Chipping away at that elephant one bite at a time.  But I don't trust her and I know my husband doesn't either.  She seemed happy(ier) when we ended the conversation, and it did clear the air somewhat from the scorched ground of the latest episode, but then she got what she wanted.  Face time, she talked a LOT, and presented her list of demands.  The conversation did not extend far enough for her to see if she is actually going to get them or not or to what degree, so when reality hits, it will be scorched earth again. 

Do we ever stop feeling pessimistic?  Will I ever be able to just love on her and not have my every word and deed questioned and found wanting?  ug.  So tired. 

P.S.  We used as much "validating" language as we could.  Tried to make all our responsive statements with a "I can see that,"  and it did seem to help quite a bit.  We also tried to open topics with "I" statements and occasionally "We" when appropriate, but we steered away from dwelling on specifics of her behavior.  I don't know that I felt really satisfied with that approach, it felt a bit like walking on eggshells, but it did seem to have better results.  Like I said earlier, I don't have a lot of trust, towards her, so maybe that is coloring my feelings about this process.    Anyone else been using validation for a while?  Any progress?  Potholes I should look out for?  Thanks for letting me share here. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm glad to hear that the conversation went ok with your stepd.  

Trust... .hmmm.  Trust that she will be respectful... .no.  I place my trust in my skills and commitment to use them for both productive communication with others and to protect myself.

If you haven't yet read the topic Validation Tips and Traps for Parents you might give it a look and see if anything tics a box for you.  bpdfamily.com/message_board/topic=191788

You did mention that you may have engaged in explaining and justifying ... .doesn't usually work and just provides ammo to her while taking the "conversation" further off course.  Here we call it JADEing... .as in don't justify, argue, defend or explain.

Taking things in bits and pieces is a good approach as that is how problems are usually solved... .one at a time.

As you learn to be more affective in your communicating with your stepd, begin to set limits and boundaries in a productive and kind way, and gain confidence in your skills it may become evident to you that this process is helpful in radically accepting what you cannot change... .your stepd.  The relationship will change if you change because 1/2 the people are changing,  and that changes the dynamic regardless of the other persons actions.

lbj

[Hebrews12]

Thanks for your reply lbjnltx.  I like what you said about trusting yourself and your responses more than the pwBPD. That totally makes sense and gives me a place to stand.  I needed that. 

And thanks for explaining JADE.  I've seen it used many times and didn't know what it really meant. 

I am reading "Loving Someone With BPD," that was recommended before, and next I will read the "I Don't Have to Make it Better" book.  I am beginning to think that maybe I am an overly sensitive person as well.  I certainly have the invalidating family of origin background.  And that can't be helping any of this.

I have watched the Dr. F video explaining validation and I think it really helped us get through the first conversation. 

Thanks for the help and the shoulder.

[lbjnltx]

Your welcome dear!

There is a lot to learn here so take it one step at a time.

The 2 books you are reading will help a lot! 

Let us know how you are doing and what you are working on.  More people read here than post here so what you ask, comment on, and talk about helps countless others.



lbj