Bpd cheating

[Confused528]

I am curious do all BPD's cheat?  The one I was with was BPD with severe narcissistic traits... .I also think she was a nympho.   But I ignored the red flags on the first meeting... She said her husband doesn't want to know what she's up to.  She said she can do whatever she wants and has friends with benifits all over.  I am grateful I never had sex with her... I might have needed an iv full of anti biotics but even after she told me this she somehow sucked me in.   Do all BPD's behave this way... .and why can't they be faithful to anyone ?

[C.Stein]

Everyone is unique, even people who suffer from BPD.  Some are unfaithful in relationships and some aren't.  BPD is a spectrum disorder and while there may be many similarities between different borderlines, there are just as many dissimilarities.  There is no one size fits all, no neat box that can contain everyone that suffers from the disorder.

What are you trying to process here?

[Confused528]

Just trying to work through it.  It just baffles me how I was the center of her universe and when I had enough and ended it... .Nothing... .she just moved on like i didn't exist  .   I'm not used to that happening.  That's what bothers me and I'm slowly understanding she probably had a replacement lined up when I was starting to withdraw. It's the mind set that I'm trying to figure out. 

[steelwork]

Think terrible fear of abandonment, inability to be alone. It's said that pwBPD lack a stable identity, and others are needed to build up a sense of self. So there's an existential dread that leads to various coping strategies, including promiscuity. When you removed yourself, she needed another attachment ASAP.

[C.Stein]

Just trying to work through it.  It just baffles me how I was the center of her universe and when I had enough and ended it... .Nothing... .she just moved on like i didn't exist  .   I'm not used to that happening.  That's what bothers me and I'm slowly understanding she probably had a replacement lined up when I was starting to withdraw. It's the mind set that I'm trying to figure out. 

You won't be able to figure it out (see bold).  At best you can try to understand what drives the behavior.  To that end have you read the articles available on the site?

[Herodias]

I know of one who is hyper-religious and would never cheat... .so they don't all do it... I wish mine didn't. That was the one thing I couldn't deal with. I shouldn't have put up with the rest either... .I know mine will continue to do it as he told me so. Too bad for anyone in his future.

[Rayban]

Inability to be alone, I know for a fact that describes my exBPDgf. Working from there, I know she would be with others when I wasn't there (men or women).

[Herodias]

Inability to be alone, I know for a fact that describes my exBPDgf. Working from there, I know she would be with others when I wasn't there (men or women).

Yes, that's it... .His Mother told me that right after we broke up and I found out about the current gf. She said, "He can not be alone"... .She has known this his whole life.

[rfriesen]

Just to echo some of the above comments -- absolute dread of being alone. My ex was aware of it. She told me she hadn't been single for more than three days her entire adult life (now in her 30s) and has been through dozens of relationships, seemingly most with her cheating. She knows she's terrified of being alone and that it leads to poor decision-making.

Like you, Confused, I got sucked in even though she was engaged when we started. I assumed it would a harmless fling. Instead she left her fiancé and latched onto me. It was a wild ride, with some incredible highs, but once I started withdrawing from the madness, everything turned so painful. I didn't realize how far she had got inside my head and how much pain she could cause me on the way out.

(And, yes, I've been taking a long hard look at my own behaviour and I realize that I was helping her cheat on her fiancé myself. She turned my world upside down in spite of the fact that I knew I had to protect myself from her. I'm three months out and still very disoriented -- was up half the night last night trying to make sense of her motivations and actions. Or not even trying to make sense, more like observing my brain whirring around trying to make sense of it, while I was fully aware it would get nowhere. I was basically waiting for my brain to stop spinning so I could sleep. I guess this is progress on some level -- I feel at least somewhat detached from the thoughts going through my mind as they flail about for a coherent picture of my ex's inner world.)

[C.Stein]

The hurricane of thoughts and emotions can be quite overwhelming.  Seems like you try to grab onto one thought and it just slips back into the hurricane.  Nothing makes sense, there is no apparent way out.   I don't think I have ever experienced something quite like this before in my life.  It's not like I haven't been dumped or cheated on before either.  I have been through some very painful and crushing romantic losses but for some reason this one impacted me like no other.  I won't ever forget that hurricane.

[Confused528]

Rf! I am in the same boat as you!  After 2 months she started pushing the envelope! Saying she has to wait a few months to leave him... .I started back tracking at that point and feel sorry for her husband.  It was around that mark she would expect me to visit her when she was on business trips! She would be 1000 miles away and demanding I fly there for sex.   Towards the end I let it slip that my girlfriend was going to Boston for training and BPD starts looking online for 4 day carribean vacations for us!  Nothing made sense... .At first the immediate praise and adoration felt awesome but for me it became oppressive ! I now spend a lot of my day thinking about what drove her.  Feeling pissed off about being used and manipulated and even more pissed I got suckered.