BPD Ex contacted me again, been broken up for over 6 months.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok I've been on this board before, I had a really dramatic two months of push pull behavior when I first broke up with my BPD ex. Then we finally ended it going no contact mid December. She randomly messaged me late January I believe asking me not to talk about stuff with her sister who I was friends with. Then she apologized for things that occurred at the end of our R/S and we had zero contact for around 2-3 months. I had one day where I caved in and just told her she had meant a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that and that's all. We had a short conversation and things ended. That was the only time I initiated a conversation since the end of December. Then just recently I got a text out of the blue from her and she was asking me not to talk to her family anymore (which I don't, I really haven't had contact with any of them for a while) things seemed slightly less tense though and then we started talking, and later in the conversation she asked me if we she could maybe text me again sometime. I said ok. So then two days later she just messaged me again and we've just been talking like we used to. I'm concerned cause I don't know why she's doing this. I know she's in a R/S, she has gotten help for some of her problems and she's admitted that. I just don't know why she wants to talk to me like 8 months after the fact. I honestly don't think it's a triangulation thing, I don't think she wants to be with me. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas of what's going on?

BTW, I really have made a lot of progress up to this point, and I'm trying to be careful not to let this affect me, so I'm also worried this could be a set back if she tries to mess with me.

[TheSarcasticOne]

Ok I've been on this board before, I had a really dramatic two months of push pull behavior when I first broke up with my BPD ex. Then we finally ended it going no contact mid December. She randomly messaged me late January I believe asking me not to talk about stuff with her sister who I was friends with. Then she apologized for things that occurred at the end of our R/S and we had zero contact for around 2-3 months. I had one day where I caved in and just told her she had meant a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that and that's all. We had a short conversation and things ended. That was the only time I initiated a conversation since the end of December. Then just recently I got a text out of the blue from her and she was asking me not to talk to her family anymore (which I don't, I really haven't had contact with any of them for a while) things seemed slightly less tense though and then we started talking, and later in the conversation she asked me if we she could maybe text me again sometime. I said ok. So then two days later she just messaged me again and we've just been talking like we used to. I'm concerned cause I don't know why she's doing this. I know she's in a R/S, she has gotten help for some of her problems and she's admitted that. I just don't know why she wants to talk to me like 8 months after the fact. I honestly don't think it's a triangulation thing, I don't think she wants to be with me. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas of what's going on?

BTW, I really have made a lot of progress up to this point, and I'm trying to be careful not to let this affect me, so I'm also worried this could be a set back if she tries to mess with me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi TheSarcasticOne,

This has happened to me as well. Perhaps your ex simply misses talking to you, and therefore reached out? I wouldn't automatically assume that she wants to "mess with you." On the other hand, if she has BPD/traits, she might be feeling a bit unsteady in her current relationship, and seeking someone to engage with to soothe those feelings. We can't know what's in her head, right?

I have some questions for you:

1)How do you feel about engaging? You mentioned that you've made progress—that's fantastic.

2)Do you think you've detached enough to continue to correspond with her occasionally without wanting more?

3) What do you want, in relationships in general, and with regards to this relationship?

heartandwhole

[HoneyB33]

I'd say definitely be thinking about this in how you can put yourself first. Really ask yourself if you are ready to be talking with her. It might feel nice, but as I'm sure you know, that doesn't mean it's a good thing.

I have no idea your history, but I guess I would just be very careful in "trusting" any contact with this person. They generally might just want something. I guess ask yourself if you're ready for that. If this person was just contacting you for the sake of trying to get something from you, how would you feel? Could you handle that? It's really proper to be fragile after this, so I think you gotta just look at yourself and ask yourself what you really need right now. Honestly, at 8 months out, I was still so lost and confused in all of this. Any contact with my ex was so painful. And more importantly it turned my thoughts onto her, rather than myself. Only you know the balance though.

[TheSarcasticOne]

I have mixed reactions to it, we've had a 3-4 conversations through text (all initiated by her) part of me feels she's texting me just to tell me how great her life is or something. But I honestly don't know. She was in a really ___ty place when we first met, and she does seem to be doing a lot better which is good but Idk why she'd text me that. Maybe she wants me to feel jealous or want her back? One of those things?

[HoneyB33]

Listen to your gut, always. It's sounds like to me you totally know what she is up to, and that your gut is spot on. My money would totally be on your guess, that she's texting you trying to tell you how great her life is. Don't rationalize yourself out of your gut, listen to it. When my ex and I split, she posted SO many pictures over FB with her new gf. I tried telling everyone she was doing this to try and hurt me, and make me jealous. But more than anything I knew it was because she wanted me to want her and think something about her that I didn't. Ppl totally put me down for thinking that, saying that there was no way I could know that. My own friends even took her side, and they never met her! (Grrrr). She went as far as posting a picture wearing my necklace that I wore for three years. It was SO obvious that she was trying to get to me, but instead I questioned myself in the "rational" way. Saying how maybe she's actually totally happy, and I'm just pathetic and not really as awesome as a partner as I thought I was.

Anyways, you already know the truth. The challenge is just to believe yourself.

[schwing]

I just don't know why she wants to talk to me like 8 months after the fact. I honestly don't think it's a triangulation thing, I don't think she wants to be with me. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas of what's going on?

She doesn't need to want to be with you in order to do the "triangulation thing."  One "triangle" that I'm familiar with is the "drama triangle."  In the drama triangle, someone needs to be the "victim."  I imagine that would be your ex.  The other two sides of the triangle is the "persecutor" and the "rescuer."  My second guess is that she's grooming you to be the "rescuer" and her current SO and/or family is her "persecutor."

... .She randomly messaged me late January I believe asking me not to talk about stuff with her sister who I was friends with.

... .Then just recently I got a text out of the blue from her and she was asking me not to talk to her family anymore (which I don't, I really haven't had contact with any of them for a while) things seemed slightly less tense though and then we started talking, and later in the conversation she asked me if we she could maybe text me again sometime. I said ok.

You see, the way you are the "rescuer" is that you don't contradict any of the accounts she talks to you about; all you have to do is listen and accept/validate what she is feeling.  If you don't talk to her sister or family, she can be the "victim" with any of her family members (and probably eventually her current SO) then you have no reason to contradict any of the stories she tells you.  And I'm pretty confident that she's going to tell you about all the times they accuse her of this/that or the other thing... .everyone she complains to you about is the "persecutor" because she doesn't want to accept any of her negative behaviors.  She prefers to be the "victim."

But the minute you question her behavior or hold her accountable in any way, she's going to ditch you.  You just need to decide if you want to be used in this fashion, or if you are actually have a fulfilling two way interaction with her.

So then two days later she just messaged me again and we've just been talking like we used to. I'm concerned cause I don't know why she's doing this. I know she's in a R/S, she has gotten help for some of her problems and she's admitted that.

In what way are you talking like you used to?

BTW, I really have made a lot of progress up to this point, and I'm trying to be careful not to let this affect me, so I'm also worried this could be a set back if she tries to mess with me.

How are you afraid she's going to mess with you?

[NCEA]

I think if you "worry" enough to come over here and seek advice, it means that you're not fully over her and might make yourself susceptible for a recycle. It's been just a few months really... .If you want her out of your life then cut contact and next time you're deep in a relationship you can contact her again for friendship.