New...old

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know what has happened. Life has changed, I have changed - overnight, it seems. I feel balanced and centred, for the first time in nine years. Peaceful, even. I can even look back and recognise some of the steps, the process, and how my uBPD person has actually helped me get this far - even though he also made it very difficult for me. Nine years ago my husband became ill with cancer, and after a horrendous 18 months, he died. During this time my whole energy was spent on keeping him alive, caring for him and my full time job, which I loved. I knew he was going to die and that made it so difficult. I was actually glad when it happened because I couldn't stand his suffering and the enormous stress of working and caring. Everyone thought I would cope well afterwards. Then my mum in law became ill too, and we went through the process again. No one had time for me, I was suddenly very much alone, and very vulnerable. I needed someone - and he was there, strange, needy, eloquent, confiding, supportive, interesting. Every day, whenever I needed. And I needed. He became the only constant in my life... and was not constant after a while. Push, pull, we know how it goes. But the whole business consumed my energy and gave me a reason to live - someone needed me. He did. In spite of all my efforts (and I really did try) I was not able to build up a social life - too old, too different myself, and a foreigner to boot. No children, no close family.

Only in his company could I laugh and enjoy life. When my job disappeared as well, I could only see a long wait till it was time to die. But our relationship continued - difficult, often abusive, confusing - with me putting all I had into it. And with the ever constant knowledge that it couldn't work - he is too immature because of his disorder to cope with the difficulties of the age difference, and I don't want to be in the way of a better relationship for him (which I don't think can happen though). So we made it into a kind of close friendship, with overtones (or undertones). He moved away, but told me he still wanted me in his life. So we shared a flat half of the week ... entailing a lot of travelling for me. It went well for a fair while. A pattern emerged, 2 days good, then abuse and distance. Then he lost his job yet again...

and became even more difficult. All intimacy was lost. Then he said a break would be good, and I really agreed. So the break is going on... and suddenly I don't NEED anyone any more. I'm happy in my own company. I don't need to be close to my friends either - I can do it, but it is no longer something that sends me out looking for friendship all the time.

What I think happened was that his support helped me over the first period, but I became dependent on him as there was no-one else close enough to share the load. The dependency continued, fuelled by the push-pull, until he actually gave me some kind of stability through the flat sharing. Traveling, exploring a new area, making superficial friends - but people who actually registered my presence and had time for me - gave me self confidence again and new interests. I was able to distance myself from his disregulation. I quite like me again. I want to stay that way.

It's a bit too new for me to know how we will get on together - perhaps just as well, or better, because I'll just leave him to it when the 2 days are over. Interesting, the two days. On holiday, in other countries, at home ... .always the same. 6 years long. And I don't think it's just with me.

Looking forward to the rest of my life.

[foggydew]

I don't know what has happened. Life has changed, I have changed - overnight, it seems. I feel balanced and centred, for the first time in nine years. Peaceful, even. I can even look back and recognise some of the steps, the process, and how my uBPD person has actually helped me get this far - even though he also made it very difficult for me. Nine years ago my husband became ill with cancer, and after a horrendous 18 months, he died. During this time my whole energy was spent on keeping him alive, caring for him and my full time job, which I loved. I knew he was going to die and that made it so difficult. I was actually glad when it happened because I couldn't stand his suffering and the enormous stress of working and caring. Everyone thought I would cope well afterwards. Then my mum in law became ill too, and we went through the process again. No one had time for me, I was suddenly very much alone, and very vulnerable. I needed someone - and he was there, strange, needy, eloquent, confiding, supportive, interesting. Every day, whenever I needed. And I needed. He became the only constant in my life... and was not constant after a while. Push, pull, we know how it goes. But the whole business consumed my energy and gave me a reason to live - someone needed me. He did. In spite of all my efforts (and I really did try) I was not able to build up a social life - too old, too different myself, and a foreigner to boot. No children, no close family.

Only in his company could I laugh and enjoy life. When my job disappeared as well, I could only see a long wait till it was time to die. But our relationship continued - difficult, often abusive, confusing - with me putting all I had into it. And with the ever constant knowledge that it couldn't work - he is too immature because of his disorder to cope with the difficulties of the age difference, and I don't want to be in the way of a better relationship for him (which I don't think can happen though). So we made it into a kind of close friendship, with overtones (or undertones). He moved away, but told me he still wanted me in his life. So we shared a flat half of the week ... entailing a lot of travelling for me. It went well for a fair while. A pattern emerged, 2 days good, then abuse and distance. Then he lost his job yet again...

and became even more difficult. All intimacy was lost. Then he said a break would be good, and I really agreed. So the break is going on... and suddenly I don't NEED anyone any more. I'm happy in my own company. I don't need to be close to my friends either - I can do it, but it is no longer something that sends me out looking for friendship all the time.

What I think happened was that his support helped me over the first period, but I became dependent on him as there was no-one else close enough to share the load. The dependency continued, fuelled by the push-pull, until he actually gave me some kind of stability through the flat sharing. Traveling, exploring a new area, making superficial friends - but people who actually registered my presence and had time for me - gave me self confidence again and new interests. I was able to distance myself from his disregulation. I quite like me again. I want to stay that way.

It's a bit too new for me to know how we will get on together - perhaps just as well, or better, because I'll just leave him to it when the 2 days are over. Interesting, the two days. On holiday, in other countries, at home ... .always the same. 6 years long. And I don't think it's just with me.

Looking forward to the rest of my life.