Any hope?

[Mr Orange]

I chose to separate from my uBPDw of 2 years in late February. I couldn't take any more of the madness. We have both expressed a desire to reconcile over the past few months, though we both have terms upon which the reconciliation is contingent. For her, it is contingent on what I want her to work on/change. She has always been paranoid that I'm somehow going to change who she is, which doesn't make any sense to me. No one can change who I am as a person at my core. For me, I want to see her get into individual counseling as I have, or we're not going to get back together. We've done couples counseling through a counselor at church, which was worthless. We've been no contact for 22 days now. Prior to this stretch, the longest period was about a week. I'm starting to believe that she has looked at the situation and when faced with the choices of divorce or work on her issues, she'd rather see the marriage end.

Anyone feel there might be hope she will decide to try counseling?

[ICantFixHer]

Mr. Orange,

Based on my experience there is no hope for you. My ex BPD girlfriend has been thru therapy 4 times, 2 court-ordered. She has been in dialectical therapy for the past 9 months we have been separated and she is still behaving in the same destructive fashion.

I certainly hope your experience is different but based on what I've seen here, her getting any tangible benefits from therapy seem unlikely.

I still haven't seen a single case where a BPD/NON interaction was able to, thru therapy, blossom into a true relationship.

All the best.

[woundedPhoenix]

There is hope... .for you... .but maybe not so much for the relationship.

I was hopefull when my BPDex went into Therapy, but after nearly 3 years, i have to say it probably made her worse.

It made her more assertive, but certainly not more emotionally mature. And the hidden trauma's that where resurfaced in therapy actually made her more unstable.

[once removed]

hi Mr. Orange,

sure there is hope, but since this is the Detaching board, youre not likely to find much relevant advice.

you dont have to be in contact or actively reconciling to post on, or learn the lessons on the Improving Board ; i encourage you to do both.

[Mr Orange]

Thanks, onceremoved. Sounds pretty grim over here so far, so perhaps I'll see what folks have to say on the other board.