Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 2]

[pjstock42]

One step at a time... .that's what I had to do.  You're just now beginning to stop the bleeding of a very deep wound.  Next you will need to clean it, then you'll have to suture the mess.  Both of those steps hurt too... .but that's how the process works. 
You will need some medicine (bpdfamily/T) to help ease the pain once you get this injury sewn up.  Without your medicine, it'll hurt a lot worse and you will be more likely to do things to re-open your wound. 
I'm curious PJ, have you begun to look through the stories of any others here?

I have read many of the other stories here and have also been fortunate to find a ton of videos on youtube where people talk about their experience in similar situations. I have seemingly watched countless hours of youtube diatribes in the past few days from men/women who are saying things that consistently hit so close to home for me. It is nice to watch their videos progress over time and see the noticeable changes that they are making in their thought process and demeanor, I really hope that I am able to follow a similar path and eventually just look back at this as a stumbling block in my life rather than constantly ruminating over the devastation like I am now.

[drained1996]

I'm happy for you that you're learning through not only your own experience, but others as well.  It's invaluable to have the knowledge so many others have shared similar circumstances, hurdles, and pain that we must face.  I'll urge you, if you have specific questions or just things to say on your mind, to post them under a new thread.  New threads will invite more input from others... .input I think you may find helpful. 
I promise, the ruminations will subside and eventually go away with time.  And fortunately for us, when the time is right, we will be much better armed to seek and enter healthy relationships. 
Move forward knowing that is in your future.
Where do you see yourself in 6 months mentally and emotionally?

[rfriesen]

I do need to keep remembering that time will make this better and that time isn't something I have any control over. I really just want to "fix" my mind and at least get to a point where this doesn't dominate my thoughts all day/night and exhaust me from my mind running in circles trying to figure things out.

Yes, it's the most painful and exhausting thing imaginable. Like a bad trip that can't end soon enough. It's good that you went out and were social, even if it was outside your comfort zone. I also went through what felt like a long stage of not putting my best foot forward, of being a little low energy and probably not as engaging as I would normally be. I still feel that way a lot of the time. It's fine - I'm sure it's much more noticeable to me than anyone else. It's awful having the constant invasive thoughts and feeling down, but you build out of that slowly. And in the meantime I've felt that I've had more genuine interactions with people. Because I still feel a lot of pain from the whole experience, I tend to be a little quieter and more observant in social situations than I used to be. I've stopped worrying about it. I'll talk when I really have something to say, and it's given me a different perspective on things.

Basically, I think one thing I've learned through this experience is not to stress little things. Having seen and felt the way my ex can lash out in anger, how she can be so selfish that she completely disregards the feelings of those closest to her (family as well as me), how cruel a person she can be ... .I've come to appreciate the fact that I'm not like that. Sure, I have my faults and failings. But I would never deliberately hurt someone I care about. I'm never emotionally vicious. I don't have that kind of anger and bitterness inside me. I really make an effort even when someone acts irritably or in anger -- it takes a lot to get a rise out of me, because I try to understand what's upsetting someone when they're acting that way. And, ultimately, I think that's what comes across. I'm sad that my ex couldn't appreciate it and I'm sad that she took advantage of how much effort I made. But it really is her loss now and I've decided to stop worrying about how anyone sees me, because I know I'm basically kind to others. As I start feeling more and more like myself, I'll also have more and more fun in social settings again. But I'm not trying to impress anyone along the way anymore, and that's been pretty liberating, honestly.

There's so much pain to deal with when the person you love most suddenly throws the relationship away or lashes out wanting to hurt you. But the pain will eventually go. I've stopped trying to chase it away by thinking my way through it, because that was a hopeless task anyway. And accepting that I can't chase it away is, I think, making me calmer in other ways too. I just worry a lot less about impressing anyone, and realise that the people I truly want around me are the kind who respond most of all to me just being a genuine person. I think what hurts us so much is how our exes seemed to appreciate that about us, seemed so open with us because they felt safe and loved, but then couldn't reciprocate -- and not only couldn't reciprocate, but treated us in a way most of us wouldn't treat any other human being. Well I've started turning that around and seeing how those close to me do feel safe and comfortable around me.

[drained1996]

problem is... .pwBPD does not feel safe with anyone... .not for any length of time anyway. It's really all a trust issue, that they are simply incapable of dealing with or comprehending... .because they are a child in their emotional development.  We cannot fix that... .

[rfriesen]

problem is... .pwBPD does not feel safe with anyone... .not for any length of time anyway. It's really all a trust issue, that they are simply incapable of dealing with or comprehending... .because they are a child in their emotional development.  We cannot fix that... .

Yes, you're right there. I guess part of what I was trying to say is that I realise now that it wasn't my fault with my ex. Actually, now that I read your post, it's really helpful to make me see what I meant. My ex had me feeling so guilty and responsible for the complete lack of safety we felt with each other by the end ... .that it's taken a lot of pain and time for me to see the extent to which that guilt was unwarranted. I actually went very, very far in trying to make my ex feel safe, in never retaliating or yelling back at her, never attacking her the way she attacked me.

So to the extent my ex felt scared and unsafe -- and she obviously did -- I don't think I could possibly have given any more to prevent that.

[pjstock42]

problem is... .pwBPD does not feel safe with anyone... .not for any length of time anyway. It's really all a trust issue, that they are simply incapable of dealing with or comprehending... .because they are a child in their emotional development.  We cannot fix that... .

This is something that I am really focusing on accepting because it is a very salient and true point. The mental anguish comes in when they had, for so long, conveyed the utmost sense of safety, trust, reliability and togetherness straight to my face. The reconciliation between who they were pretending to be and who I know now that they really are seems to be the root of every issue that I'm going through and is probably what will keep my mind spinning in circles for the longest.

The position that I find myself in right now is not a good one, as I'm sure you can all relate. Because everything was so good up until the sudden 'discard', the only memories that I have of her are all positive ones because there was never a period of time where the relationship was degrading / we were drifting apart which is what would happen in a normal relationship and at least give you some rationale behind why the breakup happens. I sometimes wonder if she did this on purpose, in terms of pretending that everything was so perfect, that she was so happy, up until hours before tossing me out like trash. I could already tell from her first email that all of the words she is saying simply serve the purpose of making her feel better about herself and her actions, with absolutely no regard to what this has put me through.

I am going to keep myself (somewhat) disciplined today and not check my emails until my meetings are over a bit later because I'm still very prepared for this response to again cut me down and destroy me so I'd like to save that until after I've had to be in work mode on the phone with dozens of people. I've been sharing the email exchange with a few close friends and we are all predicting that this next one is going to be a series of "mountain out of molehill" type issues and straight up lies to justify why her doing this to me was ok. Even though I am expecting this, I still know that it's going to hurt. I can see her mentioning some small issue that is rooted in truth but blown up to be something that in her mind was worth lying to me and abandoning me over and I can also predict me being very hard on myself and beating myself up over having done whatever small things she mentions. In reality, any issue that she had was obviously small enough for us to still be living this fabricated "perfect" relationship and should have been brought up during the relationship to talk about and work through together. I'm not perfect and I have my flaws but I always thought that part of being in a committed relationship is working on these things together and growing as a couple because of the foundational love that the relationship is built on. I could never imagine having one/a few small annoyances about a partner, never communicating them and eventually using them as a justification to completely emotionally destroy them.

Anyway, my parents and friends have been telling me that I'm doing better than I realize. I don't know if this is a true statement or if they are just doing their jobs to be supportive of me because to me I still feel incredibly empty, depressed and lost. The only thing that I can control right now are my actions going forward, I know that I will want to hammer back a lengthy response to this next email defending myself and asking why we didn't work on things together but what's the point in this? I'm really hoping that I can keep a level head, read the email, experience the emotions that result from it then delete the message and start a true no contact phase.

[drained1996]

 
Damn good thoughts PJ, and your friends and family are correct.  Given the circumstances you are doing wonderful even though you feel like ___!  
I will add to your thoughts a little.  As opposed to thinking your exBPD and your relationship was fake... .it wasn't, I'm sure she loved you as much as her illness allowed.  I know mine did/does.  It's their limitations on how mature that love can be that is really part of the crux of the illness.  When they get uncomfortable and or sense closeness that is beyond their threshold of understanding (emotional development of a child) they either act out, or defend by abandoning to soothe their own fear of abandonment.  It's not a conceivable reaction to us as adults... .until we think of them as children.
Another analogy I can use that I'm dealing with now, is old age/dementia.  My mother is now 81 years old, my dad passed at age 86 last year, and she is in a world without her partner/caretaker of 60 years.  She suffered a stroke 6 years ago, and is showing lots of signs of dementia.  When approached with something that makes her uncomfortable, she gets irritated and very defensive even over small things (mountains out of molehills).  I think most humans understand this happens with old people... .they turn into the child.  :)ementia is a serious illness, just as is BPD... .it's just harder to comprehend BPD because the subject is not a senior citizen.  But the commonality is you are left dealing with a child, which mentally and emotionally is very draining to have in your life until you can put it into context.  It's expected for older people to be this way... .it's NOT expected for younger people to be this way... .they are though.  So to look at my exBPD as a child, and understand it's not her fault she is that way, allows me a little peace.  It excuses her for her actions to an extent.  They don't choose to be this way, they just are, just like old folks,  and that sucks for them, and anyone close to them in their life. 

[pjstock42]

Drained,

In regards to thinking of everything as 'fake', I still have a hard time getting my mind to a point where I can accept that any of it was real. Maybe it is because I am still somewhat in shock and focused mostly on the last 2 months of the relationship before the sudden discard, I don't know.

To me, it just seems so far out of the realm of reality that this person could tell me to my face every day how much they loved me, how important I was to them, how happy they were etc all while planning this discard process behind my back knowing that it would destroy me. Not to get onto the topic of sex, but that really bothers me too, that she was able to be sexual/intimate with me while knowing that she was about to be abandoning me out of nowhere without me knowing anything about it. I just don't understand how any of that could have been 'real' now knowing what the real plan was behind all of it. All I can think is that this had to be fake, I think it was done to leave me with only positive memories of her and make her out to be some kind of martyr - does that make any sense? If any of that was real, it would still be happening because of how important it apparently was to her, or it would have been important enough to her to discuss any underlying issues and work through them rather than to just suddenly toss me in the trash.

I know that this kind of thinking isn't helping me, I know that it's inconsequential and something that I'll never be able to fully understand or relate to. I guess I just have a very difficult time believing that this person who I knew so deeply, who I thought shared everything with me and was 100% honest with me could do something like this and just be excused for it because they have the emotional intelligence of a child. I'm not trying to say that you're wrong, I'm just saying that I don't know how to get my mind to a point where I can write this off as just dealing with someone who has an issue with emotional immaturity.

On another random topic, many of the stories that I've read here and video diaries that I've been following on youtube have been giving me some additional anxiety (as if I needed more). So many of them move on to be with someone else and start talking about how a few months in, their new relationship is so good, how the communicate so well and respect each other so much etc. Well this really, really scares me for the simple fact that this is what I thought that I already had. I truly believed that I had the perfect relationship with this person and that it had all of the openness/honesty that I could ever ask for, so I wonder - how am I ever going to believe myself again about having this? I definitely don't want to close myself off from this and never be able to experience it again but when I truly believed that I already had this and it came back to destroy me, how will I ever know if I REALLY have this and it isn't some kind of fabrication again?

Still, probably not valuable thinking for me to be doing but I'm just venting stuff here and I really appreciate the people keeping up with this topic and providing input.

[drained1996]

It may be a good idea to reflect and think of some red flags you glossed over in your time with her.  That's one thing I take away from my relationship with my pwBPD is that I have now experienced these things, and I'm more aware of a lot of things I just let basically get out of control.  I'm more aware of the red flags themselves, and I'm overall more self aware as well.  I'm also more understanding that good boundaries are healthy, and when someone crosses them, that needs to be dealt with in a healthy manner.

[rfriesen]

In regards to thinking of everything as 'fake', I still have a hard time getting my mind to a point where I can accept that any of it was real. Maybe it is because I am still somewhat in shock and focused mostly on the last 2 months of the relationship before the sudden discard, I don't know.

Great advice and thoughts from Drained. I just want to add my two cents and say that I also believe it was as real an experience for your ex as she could handle. I went through the exact same feelings as you and, as you say, it's because you're in shock. Your psyche has to defend itself against this kind of treatment and it won't feel safe for some time to have anything that might feel like empathy or understanding for your ex and what she did. At least not in any stable form - maybe only in fits and starts, as your mind goes in circles. And that's as it should be -- if you could instantly feel empathy for someone who crushed you like this, you'd either be superhuman or in denial. It wouldn't be healthy.

But like Drained, I eventually came to see that my ex was real "in moments". That's all she could manage. And she knew it on some level -- she tried to squeeze every last drop of joy and happiness and mania out of the happy moments, because (this is partly my psychological interpretation, admittedly) she senses it can't last. At the end when she was resigned to it all, she would say, "I knew it all along, it was always going to end like this." By the end, she felt the darkness and all her destructive tendencies closing in and just kept the facade going as long as she could. And I played my role in that too, to some extent trying to enjoy what I knew were our last few times together as a couple, even as the heartache closed in.

I know it was a little different for you. But imagine the psychological strain your ex was probably under. And NO, this is not to make excuses or for you to feel sorry for her, please don't think that -- but just to begin making some sense of what happened. If she was living in this fabricated, happy world, all the while knowing she couldn't sustain it, that she felt trapped in an act she couldn't maintain and was about to destroy it all ... .it must have been miserable for her internally. And she seemingly doesn't have the emotional resources to deal with those kinds of conflicting emotions like an adult. Same with my ex -- she couldn't manage anything between "life is perfect, I never want to spend another day without you" and "I hate you, you're the devil, and I need you out of my life completely". It doesn't excuse anything, and it doesn't make a lot of sense to us, because we don't understand why they would be internally torn in that way to begin with. But is it any more plausible that it was all a completely fake act? That she just wanted to fake it all from the beginning in order to then destroy you? for what? as a prank? or because she enjoys being evil? I think that would truly be psychopathic.

PJ, I don't say any of this to make you feel better. There are no happy answers when this kind of thing happens. And obviously I'm just sharing my perspective. Simply in the hopes that it can help in some way to hear from someone else who knows the pain and trauma you're going through.

[drained1996]

superbly worded rfriesen 

[pjstock42]

Well, the email response came and I must say, I am not reacting to it in the way that I thought I would. I spent so much time thinking, researching and talking to other people about what I thought the response would contain and it ended up being exactly what I thought it would be so I think all of that preparation really helped me. Upon seeing it pop up, I was shaking and expecting that I would be in bed crying about it upon reading it yet, I am still sitting here, calmly typing this message out and trying not to beat myself up regarding the accusations that she made about me.

'Accusations' being the key word to describe the nature of this email. Before I get into some of the allegations, I will say that she started the entire message with what I saw to be a huge cop-out and said that she "isn't listing these things to hear a response from me" and that they are "not up for debate". Basically, she has painted me in an incredibly unkind and cruel light and I am not allowed to stand up for myself or tell her why I believe her to be wrong. Well, I could - but I honestly have no desire to. One of the things I told myself in preparation of this message is that I would not get into bickering about character traits or one-off comments that this person have overblown or misunderstood because it is not going to get me anywhere in this process.

I cannot tell you how much all of the research that I've done is helping me right now, it's truly incredible.  The tactic of egging me on to get me to say something in the past and then holding on to that statement, never confronting me about it or talking about it and subsequently using it to explain why her discarding was appropriate - that was heavily on use in this message. While a few of the accusations she made were complete fabrications, ie. "you said this thing" whereas in reality, I said something else and she HEARD "that" thing, most of them were based on actual events. The thing is, with all of these events that she brought up - we either A. talked about them at the time and cleared up the misunderstanding (or so she made me believe at that time) or B. she never raised them as issues with me and clearly wasn't invested enough in me to want to figure out the true meaning about this stuff and see where I was coming from.

Her message devolved into being pretty vitriolic and basically painting me to be many things that I know for a fact I am not. Again relating to my research, I have read so much about the "painting to black" process and how your character will likely be defamed to others/yourself during the devaluation and discard processes. What I have to realize is that the things she is saying have never been told to me, not by another girlfriend, not by a friend, not by a parent/relative etc., the common link in all of this is her and nobody but her. I believe that she really took this demonization of me too far but having researched this so much and heard so many other stories, I understand that this is something she has to do in order for her to rationalize her decisions and move forward so I will not be putting any effort in trying to argue these points with her. Despite everything that I did for her, all of the care I gave, all of the vulnerabilities that I exposed to her and work that I put in to making her happy - in her head, I am all of these different negative things which I know in reality I am not. If I had never taken the time/interest to do all of this research, I would probably be hammering out a panicked response attempting to clear my name and tell her that I am not any of these things that she is painting me to be but thank God, I know that there is no point in this and thus I will not be doing so.

I won't get into too many of the specific accusations but they are all over the place and again things that I know not to be true about myself. According to her, I am a misogynist, I didn't do enough "nice things" for her, I was too controlling, I sexually degraded her, I didn't spend enough time with her and took her for granted etc. etc. Because I am not perfect, I will take from this the lesson that maybe there are things about me that could make people think a certain thing about me and I will work on those things. What I will not do is beat myself up and ascribe all of these terrible things to myself because I know that the majority of this is her projecting these things on to me as her mind requires her to paint me to black for her to feel ok with herself. It does sting my pride a bit to think that someone thinks so poorly of me, especially someone that I cared so much about and put so much time, thought, feelings and effort into but as I mentioned before, the common denominator in all of these accusations is her and no one else.

She ended her message with what I believe to be another cop out and said that "even if all of these things aren't true, it's how I perceived them and that will not change". She told me how she thinks I am "such a caring person" and how she "knows that I meant well" etc. She even closed out by saying how important it is to maintain some contact and to reach out to her if I'm having a hard time with things but I know with 100% certainty that this would not be healthy for me, therefore I will not be doing this. The email has been archived and I will not be responding. She will probably take this lack of a response as a way to paint me as "cold" and a bad person for not dignifying her with a response but in reality, if she already thinks all of these aforementioned terrible things of me - what would be the point in responding? She doesn't want me to argue her accusations and she will not accept that any of the things she accused me of are misinterpretations or simply fallacious in nature, so there is absolutely nothing for me to gain from continuing this conversation with her.

Anyway, thank you for anyone who read this and for all of the valuable support you have given me in this process.

[bunny4523]

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to post this but things have gone a bit sideways as a result ofd the email.

I felt very good about what I said and was feeling so much better this morning about getting that off of my chest, that was until I got a response.

Instead of the cold and callous nature that I have been seeing from her in discussions about the apartment, she responded in an incredibly heartfelt way and apologized for a slew of different things. It reminded me so much of talking to her when I was with her and how happy it made me, so stupidly - I responded.

My response was slightly off the rails in regards to my first email, rather than being straightforward and dictatorial, I was overcome by emotions after reading her email and responded similarly. I told her how hard it was to see her talking to me in a loving way, how this caused an immense internal struggle between having the person I love right in front of me but knowing that she is now gone.

She talked about how much she missed me and how hard this is for her, I was really hoping that she would be cold and heartless in her response as this would have made it easier to move on but here I am.

I'm not proud of myself right now, this last email that I sent really serves no purpose other than to stir up powerful feelings and make it look as though I'm trying to get her back.

PJ,

Give it time and she will become cold and heartless again.  That is the piece you need to remember.  The nice and loving doesn't last.  You have to be prepared to deal with the downside too.  Are you ready to deal with the bad?  It will always be there.  There is no reason to not feel proud of yourself or to put yourself down about needing to communicate.  Do what you need to get through this.  Try and break it down... .what does my heart say?  what does my mind tell me?  what does my gut tell me?  process it all. 

My answers:
My heart:  "how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so badly, I was such a loving and sincere and supportive partner to you.  What did I do to you that was so bad to be devalued and dismissed by you?"
My mind "This is not right.  This is not ok, you are being abused.  If you continue in this relationship, you are signing up to be a victim.  It will destroy who you are and you will stay that scared little girl constantly urning for approval. You will lose yourself and sink back into dysfunction.  Is that what you want for yourself, for your life, for your children?"
My gut: Run.  This is bad. Get out and get somewhere safe.

If you read about no contact, it is supposed to be temporary.  It is not a permanent solution.  It is to give you a pause from the beating you feel like you are getting until you can come to terms to get away and stop the cycle.  One of the hardest things to deal with regarding a breakup with a BPD is "why don't you want me?"  What you need to learn to do is turn it around and ask yourself "why do I want her/him?"  You need to recognize your value and don't  settle for anyone mistreating you even when there is some good some of the time.  There is a saying I read and it goes something like this... ."It isn't about how he treats you when things are good, it's about how he treats you when things are bad."  Think about that. 

I know this is painful but if you keep working at this you will come out of it a happier and healthier person.  Once you have done that you will find many more happy and healthy people to choose from. 

Best wishes,
Bunny




Bunny

[pjstock42]

Bunny,

Thank you for your response. The feeling of being 'unwanted' really is one of the things that I've struggled the most with as it does hurt but I really like your perspective of thinking "do I want them?" I know for a fact that I don't want someone who could lie to my face continually and cause me such deep emotional pain with little or no regard to what it would do to me.

One thing I wanted to add to my last message and get people's input on is this. I am wondering if a small, 2/3 sentence response would be appropriate in this situation to clearly communicate that I am instilling 'no contact'. The message would say something along the lines of "while I am hurt by the image you have of me, I will respect your request to not argue your allegations. I disagree with the image that you have painted of me but I will take this as a learning experience to improve myself and will not try to change your perception of me. When it comes down to it, I simply do not have it in me to be friends or have any contact with someone who thinks so poorly of me who has also showed that they have the ability to lie to my face repeatedly. I still wish that things had never come to this point but I hope you understand that it just would not be healthy for me to maintain contact with someone who thinks such terrible things of me."

What do people think of sending something like this? As upset as I am at all of her baseless accusations and misrepresentations of my character, I would like to do my best to come out of this as the bigger person and as I thought more about it, it seems like giving her some kind of response similar to the above would be better than just completely ignoring her.

[rfriesen]

PJ, I think your short proposed response is a reasonable and clear way to put an end to communication. The only thing I would say is - be prepared to have your mind obsess a little (or a lot) after you send it, wondering how your ex is taking it, whether she's thinking of you, whether she'll respond once again. You seem to have a very clear sense of where you want to get to and to have made a very firm decision that you're done with this relationship. So I'm sure you'll find your way out of this mess sooner rather than later. I just want to let you know you may feel turmoil and uncertainty after sending any kind of message to your ex. That's fine. Don't stress it. Don't feel the need to add anything or clarify anything. You've made a smart, important decision to move on. Your response is perfectly reasonable. If you do send it, you can feel good knowing you've taken the high road and are going to look after yourself now. And if you find your mind spinning or obsessing over how she's taking it, so be it. Let your mind work itself out, and try not to doubt yourself for having sent this simple, straightforward response.

[drained1996]

I don't even need to type anything... .rfriesen hit the nail on the head.

[rfriesen]

Drained,
Seems like we've gone through some pretty similar stages. I've really enjoyed your posts, and reading them has given me that extra little bit of foundation and momentum going forward. Every little bit helps when you're first coming out of the confusion and mess these relationships create.

[drained1996]

rfreisen,

I share your sentiments, like you, I've found your posts here and in other threads helpful in maintaining my balance, understanding and learing.  We will be fine my friend rfriesen! 
I'm also going to take this time to give a big round of applause to PJ.  PJ, I know you do not understand how far ahead of the game you are in your process.  I know you will still face some bumps in the road, and that the FOG has not completely cleared for you.  But I do know you're very in tune to what you have been through, even in your traumatic state, and you have no idea how many of us have suffered through years of agony just to get the comprehension you have.  Make no mistake, it's still going to take time to sift through all that has affected you, and also will power to stay on your road of NC.  I still highly suggest you seek out a good therapist, and work on YOU.  Once you make the turn and your thoughts begin to be about yourself, as opposed us/her, I'll make the bet you'll understand the new you significantly quicker than most.  You are a wonderful person, and most introspective... .trust your logical thinking and you will find true love.  You can and will love again... .I know that from experience.

[drained1996]

Oh yeah, I forgot, PJ, you're very well educated on this illness, I'd suggest you don't drown yourself too much with finding out more on this illness every minute you have.  Try to focus on you and your feelings and how they affect YOU.  I'm not saying to go cold turkey or anything, but you already pass the test with flying colors on your knowledge, so focus more on you and your recovery.  Maybe that means posting a new thread on any questions you may have about your recovery, or others experiences on recovery.
Or maybe your questions could be about how to move past your us/her phase. 
Again... .this will all take time, you're building something that takes time, not tearing something down that only takes a pwBPD a short time period. 
I wish I was your age with your knowledge and experience, I'd end up being the happiest M'fer in the world!

[Wize]

Because everything was so good up until the sudden 'discard', the only memories that I have of her are all positive ones because there was never a period of time where the relationship was degrading / we were drifting apart which is what would happen in a normal relationship and at least give you some rationale behind why the breakup happens.

pj, I remember when you first told your story.  Forgive me if I'm not remembering it exactly.  You spoke of a dinner that you and your exBPD had.  She broke up with you over dinner, you cried. Then you got back together.  This was before your final discard. There were other things involving you moving far away from your work to a place closer to her work.  There were things she asked you to give up, sacrifices she expected of you that did not show love and caring.  You were a character in her fantasy.  She manipulated you and controlled you. Perhaps now, you're having trouble recalling the abuse/disorder because you're in the midst of deep pain. When the pain dulls I believe you'll see that your ex did not always treat you so well.

[rfriesen]

PJ,
Wize is right that you seemed to describe some red flags that did crop up during the relationship. Those are things to think over, in time. All in good time. And remember that you have all the time in the world. This was hard for me to get my mind around at first, but it really helped once it clicked -- there's no rush to do anything right now. Of course you want the heartache, anger, sadness, etc. gone as fast as possible. But that's just not something you can force. So you have time and you should take it. No rush to convince yourself you've made sense of everything and drawn your final conclusions. Because you've been hurt badly, your mind is processing things in great detail. If you're able to let that happen, and just let yourself feel everything that washes over you without blocking things out or repressing the feelings that come, you'll end up in a great place. Your mind will take care to process it all fully and you'll be able to look back and see the good and the bad of the relationship. And, yes, there's always good and bad in a relationship, even with the craziness of the ones we've all been through. Just much harder to process in those cases. You'll process the red flags, not so that you're paranoid in future relationships, but just so you have a better understanding of healthy relationship dynamics.

And drained is absolutely right that your understanding of what happened and how grounded your knowledge of the situation seems to be ... .blows me away that you have such a sound grasp so quickly. Not only will you be fine, but you'll come out of this feeling more solid and better than ever. Might be hard to believe now, but I have no doubt about that. Just take your time with it, I think that's the biggest thing. Let your feelings be what they will be. Do your best to keep a normal routine and focus at work, but don't beat yourself up if you're not functioning at full steam. That takes time. Just push through the best you can and your feelings will take care of themselves.

[pjstock42]

Because everything was so good up until the sudden 'discard', the only memories that I have of her are all positive ones because there was never a period of time where the relationship was degrading / we were drifting apart which is what would happen in a normal relationship and at least give you some rationale behind why the breakup happens.

pj, I remember when you first told your story.  Forgive me if I'm not remembering it exactly.  You spoke of a dinner that you and your exBPD had.  She broke up with you over dinner, you cried. Then you got back together.  This was before your final discard. There were other things involving you moving far away from your work to a place closer to her work.  There were things she asked you to give up, sacrifices she expected of you that did not show love and caring.  You were a character in her fantasy.  She manipulated you and controlled you. Perhaps now, you're having trouble recalling the abuse/disorder because you're in the midst of deep pain. When the pain dulls I believe you'll see that your ex did not always treat you so well.

This is a very good point and something that I slowly have started to understand more fully. Because I was "in the fog", I didn't have clear boundaries and I did many things for this person that I wouldn't normally do because I was under her spell of "love" and "forever" etc.

As odd as it sounds, I'm so happy that her latest email was so vitriolic and accusatory. To already be slowly moving out of the fog and then to have this person tell me through lies and exaggerations how terrible of a person I am, it somehow pushed me further and made me realize even more that I would never want to be with someone who thinks such horrible things of me. It was good to get an insight into the devil she painted me to be in her triangulation with her sister and as I mentioned before, all of the research that I had done and advice I had received from you guys made me handle her message in the best way possible.

rfriesen & drained, thank you guys again so much for your continued input in my topics. even though I've never met you, you guys have helped me through this better than any close family member or friend could have due to your knowledge on these conditions and tactics. I do feel as though I've undergone a bit of a mental overload in terms of my research on all of this stuff so rfriesen, I will be trying to take your advice and move through this slowly while letting my emotions run their course and not always trying to instantly squash them out with knowledge & logic. I'm definitely not better yet and I have lots of time to go but for the first time, I feel as though I finally understand that I will be better from this and that it isn't the end of the world, and I honestly thought I may never feel this way. I'm so grateful for this community and I can't wait until I'm fully recovered from this so that I can be the one supporting other people in their topics.

[drained1996]

PJ, you already are helping others... .like myself and others who have followed your progress.  This whole process no matter where you are in it is like therapy. It helps me to read other's stories when I may not feel the best in order to reinforce/validate things I already know about my past/present experience.  Your strength to share at a time when most of us given the same circumstances could barely function... .is astounding. 
I wish I had words to make your pain go away, but I don't... .it'll simply take time.
Godspeed my friend, we're here when needed, and remember, your recovery is about YOU!

[Turkish]

 

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Mod Note- See also:
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1