Here Iam again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there, I'm a 30 year old woman who's been in an off again on again relationship for 12 years with an undiagnosed man. It's only now 12 years later and another split I can step back and see what's been going on in a relationship I feel like I have been playing at for all my adult life.

When he was a baby I belive his mother had bonding issues with him. He's the oldest out of 3 boys and a girl. When he was around 5 his parents had a very messy bitter divorce and he was left with various family members for almost a year while his mother took his younger brothers with her. I belive some sort of abuse happend when left with his uncle and deffiently neglect. Over the years he emotinally supported his mother who I belive is narsicictic,( I don't know her well enough to suggest anything else). She told him things no little boy should know, such as she wanted to kill herself and such like. When I first met him he told me how his mother manipulated himself and his brothers and father. His father was a passive figure in his life, one time I'm remeber him saying he wasn't sure if he even was his dad ( you just need to look at them too see it)

 Over the years we have had many dramas and splits, which he blamed me for and I willingly shouldered the blame for things over the years. Last year we almost split up again, for many weeks I thought I was at fault, crying at work thinking it was all over. We managed to work it out in the end. It's only now I find out his mother had told him at the time she was having an affair (she's now married 3 times now to his step father) on her birthday night out last year. That night he was cold and aloof towards me, we had a few troubling months after that,  which I got the blame for.

After we split up I got to thinking about that time last year and put two and two together and realised it wasn't me... .I hadn't done anything wrong!  he was in fact  struggling with the facts his mother (inappropriately shared with him!) Thinking back over the years now I see this behavour over and over. Any big argument we have had over the years it's because things have been going on behind me and he didn't share, most of the time things to do with his mother.

Anyways we split up in march, 4 weeks after I buried my brother from a drugs overdose. I had been night shift on an nhs ward for a few weeks and hadn't been sleeping, or coping brilliantly since my brother died. He had had a job interview the week before and was being a pain in the butt. Argumentative and short tempered. On the Saturday night he caused an argument and stormed out. He was out all night. I waited up until 4am then awoke to a text in the morning saying sorry. A few texts later 10pm I eventualy replied to him saying come home. He came home we made up, him telling me how much he loved me and how I was his world. a few days later he couldn't find his jacket, I said mabye you left it at your mums... .turns out he had spent the night with a single female friend drinking all night. He kicked off before I could even say a word. We didn't talk for a few days then after that.
 Then on the Wednesday I had been trying to sleep, his mother came round woke me up. They had dinner. I got up for work around 5pm and went into the kitchen, complete mess. Went into his room and said are you cleaning the kitchen, he told me to ___ off and turned his back to me, well I slapped the back off his head (I lost my temper first time I have slapped him). Well he went into complete melt down, told me that's us over, I'm done. Told me I'm a manipulative c... .t to a boring b... ch. He ranted and raved like an angry child.
 Anyways I was moved out my home in weeks. Had to give up my job and move back to my parents. I got one chance too try and talk to him before I moved out, he listened for so long then said he couldn't talk to me as I was changing his mind about splitting up. Put his hands in his ears and raged at me. This happend anytime I tried to talk. For months now it has been me wanting to talk and him snapping raging and hating me.
Finally I had enough pussy footing around and i text him over a week ago telling him I think he has BPD traits. I sent him a list of what I belive are his traits and explained to him that he doesn't trust love as it was taken away from him as a little boy.  I told him he has emotional attachment issues, Anger issues so on so forth. I tried to tell him how his behaviour is not normal and how it's affected him and myself. I also sent links to sites I thought were informative for him.

I never expected a response until this morning he sent me a text which I didn't read for hours thinking it's just gonna be another rant at me or an emotional less response. 
He sent me a text to tell me he has been reading the information I sent him and how he thinks I might be right. He said how he's felt nothing for years except anger and crippling sadness and how very sorry he is for everything... .

I don't realy know what to do now, I sent him they texts to get my frustration and anger out. I thought hell I've tried to tell him it's up to him if he acknowledges it or not. Now I feel conflicted again as in should I offer support or leave him to it. It's the biggest step forward in years and I feel responsible for him I guess too. I just feel like I'm leaving him hanging over a drop after telling him he has mental health problems.

Any advice is welcome, sorry if it's hard to make head or tail of my ramblings.
 Thank you

[kaj19]

Hi there, I'm a 30 year old woman who's been in an off again on again relationship for 12 years with an undiagnosed man. It's only now 12 years later and another split I can step back and see what's been going on in a relationship I feel like I have been playing at for all my adult life.

When he was a baby I belive his mother had bonding issues with him. He's the oldest out of 3 boys and a girl. When he was around 5 his parents had a very messy bitter divorce and he was left with various family members for almost a year while his mother took his younger brothers with her. I belive some sort of abuse happend when left with his uncle and deffiently neglect. Over the years he emotinally supported his mother who I belive is narsicictic,( I don't know her well enough to suggest anything else). She told him things no little boy should know, such as she wanted to kill herself and such like. When I first met him he told me how his mother manipulated himself and his brothers and father. His father was a passive figure in his life, one time I'm remeber him saying he wasn't sure if he even was his dad ( you just need to look at them too see it)

 Over the years we have had many dramas and splits, which he blamed me for and I willingly shouldered the blame for things over the years. Last year we almost split up again, for many weeks I thought I was at fault, crying at work thinking it was all over. We managed to work it out in the end. It's only now I find out his mother had told him at the time she was having an affair (she's now married 3 times now to his step father) on her birthday night out last year. That night he was cold and aloof towards me, we had a few troubling months after that,  which I got the blame for.

After we split up I got to thinking about that time last year and put two and two together and realised it wasn't me... .I hadn't done anything wrong!  he was in fact  struggling with the facts his mother (inappropriately shared with him!) Thinking back over the years now I see this behavour over and over. Any big argument we have had over the years it's because things have been going on behind me and he didn't share, most of the time things to do with his mother.

Anyways we split up in march, 4 weeks after I buried my brother from a drugs overdose. I had been night shift on an nhs ward for a few weeks and hadn't been sleeping, or coping brilliantly since my brother died. He had had a job interview the week before and was being a pain in the butt. Argumentative and short tempered. On the Saturday night he caused an argument and stormed out. He was out all night. I waited up until 4am then awoke to a text in the morning saying sorry. A few texts later 10pm I eventualy replied to him saying come home. He came home we made up, him telling me how much he loved me and how I was his world. a few days later he couldn't find his jacket, I said mabye you left it at your mums... .turns out he had spent the night with a single female friend drinking all night. He kicked off before I could even say a word. We didn't talk for a few days then after that.
 Then on the Wednesday I had been trying to sleep, his mother came round woke me up. They had dinner. I got up for work around 5pm and went into the kitchen, complete mess. Went into his room and said are you cleaning the kitchen, he told me to ___ off and turned his back to me, well I slapped the back off his head (I lost my temper first time I have slapped him). Well he went into complete melt down, told me that's us over, I'm done. Told me I'm a manipulative c... .t to a boring b... ch. He ranted and raved like an angry child.
 Anyways I was moved out my home in weeks. Had to give up my job and move back to my parents. I got one chance too try and talk to him before I moved out, he listened for so long then said he couldn't talk to me as I was changing his mind about splitting up. Put his hands in his ears and raged at me. This happend anytime I tried to talk. For months now it has been me wanting to talk and him snapping raging and hating me.
Finally I had enough pussy footing around and i text him over a week ago telling him I think he has BPD traits. I sent him a list of what I belive are his traits and explained to him that he doesn't trust love as it was taken away from him as a little boy.  I told him he has emotional attachment issues, Anger issues so on so forth. I tried to tell him how his behaviour is not normal and how it's affected him and myself. I also sent links to sites I thought were informative for him.

I never expected a response until this morning he sent me a text which I didn't read for hours thinking it's just gonna be another rant at me or an emotional less response. 
He sent me a text to tell me he has been reading the information I sent him and how he thinks I might be right. He said how he's felt nothing for years except anger and crippling sadness and how very sorry he is for everything... .

I don't realy know what to do now, I sent him they texts to get my frustration and anger out. I thought hell I've tried to tell him it's up to him if he acknowledges it or not. Now I feel conflicted again as in should I offer support or leave him to it. It's the biggest step forward in years and I feel responsible for him I guess too. I just feel like I'm leaving him hanging over a drop after telling him he has mental health problems.

Any advice is welcome, sorry if it's hard to make head or tail of my ramblings.
 Thank you

[married21years]

the important this is was this a proper and equal loving for filling relationship

or was he using you?

this is the question you have to ask

his issues are his issues, and if they wont help themselves you cant help them

this is the hardest thing to understand and accept

you matter too in a relationship!

good luck 

[kaj19]

Hi thank you for the response married21years.
I think he's managed himself pretty well over the years. For the most part we have had a loving and fulfilling relationship, for me anyways. It seems it's always problems out with the relationship that causes problems.
This is why I feel so conflicted. I feel i now understand him a lot better and his behaviour and responses to situations. I want him to know he has options and support.
But do do only want to support him and offer help because I love him and hope for a future. .and so setting myself up for another let down. Probably but then I'm mentally able to cope wether he's not? Lol confused.

[married21years]

are you co dependent, is your loving him enough?

are you enabling him?

only he can fix him, i know i have been there i tried everything.

i had to put a boundary in place come clean get help and fix your mess

i made her decide if she wanted this or to end it, she replaced me with a senior citizen

we all deserve more and if they are not ready to give it move on.

they will not respect us till we respect ourselves.

i now have a loving new relationship that has taught me the difference
 

[kaj19]

I used to think love was everything and thats all that mattered. I realise now that was pretty niev of me.
 I belive i probably have been enabling him over the years but I think our time together has taught him some lessons.
 It's like the water becomes so muddy for him he becomes another person, then time and talking clears it for him but he (we) have never actualy talked or tackled the crux of the problem just papered over it.
I hear what you say about the ultimatum (boundery) I feel that's the path I'm going down. Just trying to pick my way slowly that sits well with me.
Thank your for your reply it's nice to talk to someone that understands.

[married21years]

I used to think love was everything and thats all that mattered. I realise now that was pretty niev of me.
 I belive i probably have been enabling him over the years but I think our time together has taught him some lessons.
 It's like the water becomes so muddy for him he becomes another person, then time and talking clears it for him but he (we) have never actualy talked or tackled the crux of the problem just papered over it.
I hear what you say about the ultimatum (boundery) I feel that's the path I'm going down. Just trying to pick my way slowly that sits well with me.
Thank your for your reply it's nice to talk to someone that understands.

hi look at the traits of a co depent see if it fits you

if it does might be something to look into? GL 

[gotbushels]

Hi kaj19 

Being the partner of a pwBPD can often be a difficult role to play.

Over the years we have had many dramas and splits, which he blamed me for and I willingly shouldered the blame for things over the years.

Being able to identify our roles is a very mature step that often goes in-step with a healthy solution. Well done!

After we split up I got to thinking about that time last year and put two and two together and realised it wasn't me... .I hadn't done anything wrong!  he was in fact  struggling with the facts his mother (inappropriately shared with him!) Thinking back over the years now I see this behavour over and over. Any big argument we have had over the years it's because things have been going on behind me and he didn't share, most of the time things to do with his mother.

Again, well done on correctly seeing that you don't bear all of the blame. Also, well done maintaining your focus on the behaviours. Oftentimes they hold the key when you're trying to figure out issues in the relationship.

I don't realy know what to do now, I sent him they texts to get my frustration and anger out.

If your partner has pwBPD behaviours--diagnosis or no diagnosis--it often serves the non well to monitor ourselves instead of venting upon the partner. Venting upon a person is often more counterproductive than normal with a pwBPD. There are ways of keeping ourselves levelled while a pwBPD dysregulates.

I thought hell I've tried to tell him it's up to him if he acknowledges it or not. Now I feel conflicted again as in should I offer support or leave him to it. It's the biggest step forward in years and I feel responsible for him I guess too. I just feel like I'm leaving him hanging over a drop after telling him he has mental health problems.

This is important. You really touched many things that can help you in your first post. From here, you can use this as a basis to question why you feel so responsible for him. Is that really your role? Detachment stage 1. →→→ (other stages on right side)


This may help you understand your role. SOs of pwBPDs often have additional roles to play in addition to being a partner.
Topic: 1.01 | The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

I encourage you to look after yourself. What you described sounds difficult to deal with. This area will help you to stay focused on what's often healthier in a dialogue with a pwBPD, especially when you're finding you're having a difficult time. It will also help you stay levelled.
Topic: 1.06 | Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

I encourage you to work more with the lessons on the sidebar to the right of this page. Do take your time, be kind to yourself, and look after yourself in the process. It can be difficult at times. I look forward to hearing how your story develops.


The site's acronyms are here.