Still have dreams I'm back in their control

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I had a weird allergic reaction to something I ate this weekend and ended up with a really high fever for 2 days.  I tend to have odd dreams when I have a fever, and so was not surprised that I woke up this morning, a little confused.  I am almost 40, have not lived with either parent since I was 15 (mom) and 19 (dad).  I ma NC with both, and have been so for years.

While I think my fever was breaking last night, I dreamed  I was living with both of them again and had reverted back to teenage me, and it was kinda terrifying.  I was trying to find a way to disappear, fake my death, whatever it took to get away in the dream, and woke up pretty unnerved. 

Does anyone else have nightmares that relate to being back in their childhood roles/homes?  Why does this crop up for me, being a child/teen again and under their control?  It's been like 20 years.  I still feel weird and it's almost the end of the workday.  The feelings of fear related to them have lingered.  I know the most they can do is make me feel bad about myself - they can no longer inflict physical pain.  But that is harder to escape, the emotional abuse. 

[isilme]

I had a weird allergic reaction to something I ate this weekend and ended up with a really high fever for 2 days.  I tend to have odd dreams when I have a fever, and so was not surprised that I woke up this morning, a little confused.  I am almost 40, have not lived with either parent since I was 15 (mom) and 19 (dad).  I ma NC with both, and have been so for years.

While I think my fever was breaking last night, I dreamed  I was living with both of them again and had reverted back to teenage me, and it was kinda terrifying.  I was trying to find a way to disappear, fake my death, whatever it took to get away in the dream, and woke up pretty unnerved. 

Does anyone else have nightmares that relate to being back in their childhood roles/homes?  Why does this crop up for me, being a child/teen again and under their control?  It's been like 20 years.  I still feel weird and it's almost the end of the workday.  The feelings of fear related to them have lingered.  I know the most they can do is make me feel bad about myself - they can no longer inflict physical pain.  But that is harder to escape, the emotional abuse. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi isilme:    

Sorry about the bad dreams. 

I think our situations with dreams vary from person to person.  When I don't sleep well, and wake up often, I tend to remember dreams.  Occasionally, I've had the effects of a dream carry over into the next day.

Have you done any mindfulness exercises or have you practiced and form of meditation?  It can be helpful to clean house in your mind, and get rid of the bad thoughts.  You might give the meditation below a try.  The visuals of moving water, along with the guided voice can give you a little vacation in your mind.

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Isilme, 

I think that dreams/nightmares are often an occurrence with many of us here at bpdfamily. I know I suffer from them. Scary, and there is definitely a fog that hangs over me at times too.

Are you able to look back over the past few days to see if something taking place in your life besides the fever triggered them?  I'm sorry that you have had them crop back up recently. There can be emotional triggers after the fact as well. Have you ever read any of Pete Walker's info about emotional triggering? When I feel triggered but cannot put my finger on the reason why, especially after dreams, these points have been quite comforting to me.

www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

 
Wools

[isilme]

Thank you both, I'll take a look.  Not sure if it's related, but it was also the first anniversary of H's grandmother's passing.  That was really hard, as she was the only person who treated me like I'd always thought a grandmother would.  Work is also amping up some stress over the next two weeks, so maybe my brain just went a little haywire with the fever on top of it.

I'll take a look at both links.  It really helps me a lot to be able to come here and just type. 

[Woolspinner2000]

I know the feeling, Isilme! Writing out our thoughts can be quite helpful to process what we aren't always able to grab a hold of. Sounds like you do have some increased stress going on in your life. What are you doing to help yourself?

Are you able to look for some 'green light' activities each day to include in your life, those that give you energy? Yellow light activities slow you down, and red light activities stop any energy you have. Which light color applies to you the most right now?

 
Wools

[Fie]

Hello Isilme 
I normally don't, but this night I  had a nightmare about being back under the control of my parents.

My grandma, who I loved very much, has just died. That probably triggered it.
Do you think something triggers your dreams, or do you always have them ?

[isilme]

To be honest, I usually don't dream that I can recall on weeknights.  I have sleep maintenance insomnia, which I think does go back to having an insecure home as a child.  I'd wake up to yelling and fighting and felt it was my job to stop it, so I'd climb out of bed with my blankey in tow, and try to shame them out of fighting by being in the same room, and as I got older, try to mediate.  I can remember things back to age 2 ( we lived in a  trailer for only the year 2-3 and I remember the trailer), and know that a night without sleep has not been unusual for me, ever.  If I had bad dreams, I know I'd get in trouble for waking the parents, so I made "rules" to get through scary points at night.

1 - try to not be the last person awake.  If someone else was awake, I was allowed to sleep.  2 - If I could not get to sleep, I'd have to wait to hear movement in their room to know it was okay to fall asleep.  If I was the last asleep, something would get me.  If I was awake and no one else was, I had to stay totally still to not get the attention of whatever scared me.  I unfortunately had no supervision with TV, and saw some gory documentaries about jack the Ripper and was convinced his ghost was in our area.  This added to my rules, to make sure to be asleep before his killing window started at midnight, and not wake till it ended at dawn.  It was silly, but it made sense to a 10-year-old only child who could not tell her parents she was scared.  There were many nights when I may have dozed, but was too scared to actually fall asleep.

Also, late at night, there was a chance either all of us or just the parents would go to the ER to get my mom a Demerol shot - she liked those, and would often get my dad to take her to the ER after midnight.  Sometimes they would take me, sometimes they'd leave me alone at home.  If they took me, I'd struggle to find a place to sleep in the ER waiting room - the chairs all had armrests and so I'd climb under them to try to sleep.  If they left me at home, I'd usually not actually get back to sleep till they got home about 3 or 4AM. 

I got a Fitbit to quantify my sleep, to be sure I wasn't just being a baby about being tired.  It's proven that on average I get between 4-5.5 hours of sleep in 7-8 hours of time in bed during the work week, and about 6-7 hours with 12 hours in bed on the weekend.  One of my mom's problems was abuse of her prescription meds, and she tried her best to get me, her little clone in the making, hooked, too, and she managed to OD at least once on them, so I have an aversion to anything not OTC as a sleep aid.  I use chamomile, valerian, and/or kava kava to try to get past my constant waking.  I fall asleep just fine, but wake up for about 5-15 minutes every hour.  It could be the train going through town at 2am, the dogs in the neighborhood barking, hell, we have an owl in one of the trees in the yard. 

We recently took a mattress pad topper our bed, since on our honeymoon we both realized that the firmer bed at the resort seemed to be better for both our backs, and BOTH H and I have started dreaming during the workweek.  It's only been two weeks without the pad, but I think I like the bed better without it.  I did not really like sleeping on a marshmallow.

My dreams do not often have my parents in them, maybe places we lived, distorted and dream-like, but they are not often in them.  And we did just pass the first anniversary of H's grandmother passing, which I noted but he's not good with dates and so I did not mention it.  I've had nightmares with my parents, usually just one of them at a time, and when they divorced my dreams were really, really morbid, like in one I still remember I kept finding my dad's decapitated head in different locations. 

There is definitely some work stress, but I can usually turn that off pretty well.  I read a lot, and try to craft and sew and paint, admittedly, I haven't been on the ball about that recently. 

I'm guessing a slightly better sleep surface is letting me hit REM more often, and maybe my subconscious has just got a backlog of stuff to toss at me.  It was just unsettling, to be back in a situation where I was, well, their slave to whom they could do whatever they wanted, again.  I can't remember much else about any newer dreams, I just know that I seem to be dreaming during the week now.  Hopefully this means I am getting better quality sleep.