Cracks in the Mirror

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Am currently mulling over the mirroring that my BPDex practiced towards me. Well everybody really.

At what point in the r/s did you all notice that something odd and inconsistant was going on with how they where behaving totally different towards you and other people? Like they would go in and out a different persona.

In retrospect i noticed a blib in the mirror already on our first date, when she started talking about work she became someone else on the spot. I guess she noticed that i noticed and changed the subject instantly. Found it ... .cute. Thats how red flags get excused ... .

Later i noticed that when different people where in the room she would switch character while turning from one person to the other. To me she would act deeply depressed an fragile. Walk into the living room to go an have snappy banter in all confidence with her sister... .

So. When did you notice these glitches and turns in their mirrors?

[woundedPhoenix]

Am currently mulling over the mirroring that my BPDex practiced towards me. Well everybody really.

At what point in the r/s did you all notice that something odd and inconsistant was going on with how they where behaving totally different towards you and other people? Like they would go in and out a different persona.

In retrospect i noticed a blib in the mirror already on our first date, when she started talking about work she became someone else on the spot. I guess she noticed that i noticed and changed the subject instantly. Found it ... .cute. Thats how red flags get excused ... .

Later i noticed that when different people where in the room she would switch character while turning from one person to the other. To me she would act deeply depressed an fragile. Walk into the living room to go an have snappy banter in all confidence with her sister... .

So. When did you notice these glitches and turns in their mirrors?

[UnforgivenII]

There is a video on youtube by Assc Direct about this topic. It is called The multiple characters of the Narcissist. Because Bpd ARE Narcissists. My opinion but I do not see many differences.

[heartandwhole]

Hi woundedPhoenix,

You know, I didn't notice this with pwBPD because our relationship was long distance, and when he was with me, it was on my turf. He did want me to meet one of his friends, in my city, but I was reluctant (I think because we had limited time together), which was probably a mistake. It might have told me more about him to see him interact with others he knew.

I do recognize this chameleon-like behavior in a family member, though, and it can feel hurtful and exasperating. He seems to react to me very differently when we two are alone than when he is with his wife or other family. My perspective may be skewed more than I realize by my own issues, so it's difficult to know how much I'm feeding into it. On the other hand, I am not the only one who has noticed this behavior (finally!) so my feelings have been validated.   

We all change our behaviors to adapt to certain situations, e.g., we act differently with our boss than with our best friend, or child. It makes me feel sad that some feel they need to take this to the extreme in order to feel okay about themselves. If you don't know who you are, you will look to others to "imitate." It's all a strategy to feel like a whole person and to feel accepted, in my opinion.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[woundedPhoenix]

What i feel basically at this point is that my relationship was a circus act.

I met her as an intelligent, self-aware, successfull and extremely sexy woman, with a troubled past that she seemed to have put behind her, and with deep-rooted morals, strong empathy and values.
And she desperatedly wanted to join my circus, come live with me and my kids, and live our common dream for the rest of our lives.

I knew vaguely about an Alt, a seperate persona that she lived by years before we met... .A real man-hater and manipulator. Exploiting sugar daddies and such... .And when she told me about that months into the relationship, she despised that side of her, which i was glad for cause it was not far off from a real psychopath. And i would have run... .

We had blissfull years, i guess despite some BPD episodes the first 3 years the magic held... .Even though she meanwhile got diagnosed with borderline and later bipolar too, the relationship itself seemed to be her only stabile refuge.

I think from the 4th year on till we seperated at 6.5 years, this alt slowly was working its way back up in the foreground.
I subconsciously felt things had gotten off, that she was not the person i knew, that it became harder to reach 'her' but when we talked about this it ussually was due to something i had or hadn't done.
There were also depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts, so it was really hard to seperate all factors... .

But now, being seperated for months and with all information i have, i know that alt persona is very much back in charge, and the person i married to wasn't that real either.
Lots of shady stuff has been going on behind my back the past years, of which i probably will never know even half, but she kept covering it all up very nicely until really started to listen to my intuition and felt that she infact was -figuratively and litterally - cheating her way through life...

So it feels like i saw the circusshow i wanted to see, while backstage a whole lot of other drama was going on beyond me knowing. Until she uncaged the lions, released the sneakes and put the whole circus top on fire and putting the blame on me. The circus metaphor works pretty well for me... .

[heartandwhole]

So it feels like i saw the circusshow i wanted to see, while backstage a whole lot of other drama was going on beyond me knowing. Until she uncaged the lions, released the sneakes and put the whole circus top on fire and putting the blame on me. The circus metaphor works pretty well for me... .

I see what you mean.    So, it kind of looks like that alt persona was her, too. She just repressed it as much as she could because she hated that part. It must have taken so much energy to do that. The amazing woman that you met at the beginning was her, too, of course. It seems that recovery for us then becomes about accepting that our partners are ALL of themselves, and not just the wonderful parts that we liked so much... .

[bunny4523]

My ex did a pretty good job of mirroring me during the courting phase.  It wasn't until I accepted his proposal and moved in that I started seeing red flags with his self image.  I felt like we would have deep talks and he would follow my lead.  When I learned to shut up and just listen is when I started seeing all the inconsistencies.  Once I no longer gave him an image to cling to, he was so lost and reckless.  It happened fast.  I guess that's when I started asking questions, the fear of abondonment kicked in and the devaluing started.  Such a painful place to be in, I remember feeling so lost and confused.

Bunny 

[woundedPhoenix]

I see what you mean.    So, it kind of looks like that alt persona was her, too. She just repressed it as much as she could because she hated that part. It must have taken so much energy to do that. The amazing woman that you met at the beginning was her, too, of course. It seems that recovery for us then becomes about accepting that our partners are ALL of themselves, and not just the wonderful parts that we liked so much... .

Probably its just all part of one fractured personality. i hope one day she can build it all together into something stable.

And that's where i always set up a trap for myself. I take the good as reference, unconsciously because of guilt that i or our relationship had something to do with bringing that alt back. That i chased the good away, guess who blame texted that into my mind :-)

But then i try to run a little exercise and imagine another person taking my place in that r/s... .and i see the troubles would maybe be different but the outcome just the same.

[Moselle]

And that's where i always set up a trap for myself. I take the good as reference, unconsciously because of guilt that i or our relationship had something to do with bringing that alt back. That i chased the good away, guess who blame texted that into my mind :-)

Hi Wounded Phoenix,

Reading your post, I'm reminded of my own story of the two personalities. Mi email was able to suppress it for a good 10 years. I had grown in many ways and I suddenly felt very lonely. That's when the alt made its explosive and violent appearance. And I stayed for a further 5 years, through the physical and emotional abuse. 3 years of that she was in therapy which made very little difference.

The alt had nothing to do with us. It was formed long before we arrived. Sorry to hear you have some guilt around that.