Persistent anxiety after almost 2 years apart

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Every now and then, my BPDex pops into my head. She's been popping into my head every now and then for almost 2 years now and to this day I feel trembling anxiety when I think of her. I wonder some days how much better off I would be if I had just never met her. Anybody else feel this after a long time apart? She doesn't live anywhere near me now and I know if I ever met her again, I'd bolt. It's just crazy to me how the pain can last this long. Mind you, I'm a lot better than I was... .but am still annoyingly suffering somewhat.

I've done plenty things, I've met plenty people and gone lots of places since. But when I'm alone in my bed at night, the memories come flooding back and I find it hard to sleep. It's so frustrating, and what frustrates me more is that she has had about 3 live-in relationships since (a friend who knew her told me) while I'm still recovering. And she just goes on and on. No conscious, no remorse. It can feel overwhelming even thinking about the way she lives, and continues to live. Very parasitic, next-next-next lifestyle.

I should also mention I have OCD, I've had a ruminative mind my whole life. But nothing has ever annoyingly stuck like this. What kind of things do you remember to tell yourself to get those thoughts out? I feel like I could use a little bit of help. Is it normal for recovery to take this long?

She was my first experience with love, and will probably have been my last for another long while... .

[skittles22]

Every now and then, my BPDex pops into my head. She's been popping into my head every now and then for almost 2 years now and to this day I feel trembling anxiety when I think of her. I wonder some days how much better off I would be if I had just never met her. Anybody else feel this after a long time apart? She doesn't live anywhere near me now and I know if I ever met her again, I'd bolt. It's just crazy to me how the pain can last this long. Mind you, I'm a lot better than I was... .but am still annoyingly suffering somewhat.

I've done plenty things, I've met plenty people and gone lots of places since. But when I'm alone in my bed at night, the memories come flooding back and I find it hard to sleep. It's so frustrating, and what frustrates me more is that she has had about 3 live-in relationships since (a friend who knew her told me) while I'm still recovering. And she just goes on and on. No conscious, no remorse. It can feel overwhelming even thinking about the way she lives, and continues to live. Very parasitic, next-next-next lifestyle.

I should also mention I have OCD, I've had a ruminative mind my whole life. But nothing has ever annoyingly stuck like this. What kind of things do you remember to tell yourself to get those thoughts out? I feel like I could use a little bit of help. Is it normal for recovery to take this long?

She was my first experience with love, and will probably have been my last for another long while... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi skittles22,

I'm sorry to hear that you are still experiencing anxiety. I think it can take a long time to recover from these kinds of breakups. I took me at almost a year to start feeling better, and a little more than a year to not have anxious reactions to all things connected to him. Keep in mind, my relationship was long distance and relatively short (1.5 years with a 3 month break included), so that seems pretty long, doesn't it? Things have gotten so much better for me, though, and they will for you, too. Thoughts of him still pop into my head 4 years later, but there are no uncomfortable feelings associated with that.

As for the thoughts: What have you tried to help them calm down?

What works well for me is a simple kind of meditation: sitting still, closing my eyes, and focusing on the air as it passes through my nostrils. Each time thoughts take over my mind, I gently come back to that sensation of air (it often feels cool coming in and warm going out). Just ten minutes of that and I feel wonderful. 

Another idea is just noticing that your thoughts are something that happens. You don't control them, and hopefully they don't control you. They just float in and eventually float out. It's the attaching to them that can cause all manner of suffering. So, one tip I read was to say to yourself something like, "I'm having the thought that my ex didn't love me" or "I'm having the thought that I'll never recover from this breakup" and then feel what comes up and let the sensations move through you. Saying "I'm having" helps us to remember that we are not our thoughts; they arise and recede of their own accord, and if we don't attach to them they tend to have less power over our emotional states.

Anything sound interesting there, skittles22?

heartandwhole

[pgri8684]

Hi skittles22,

I feel sorry for you; I have the same obsessive thoughts for my Ex even if I know she is toxic and certainly not a person to live with. Good memories, honeymoon phase are highly addictive.
I wrote down every bad or abnormal behavior she had and I often read my notes. I ask myself: do I really want to live like that?
I know I will never find the same excitement again but it is certainly not a sustainable way of life.

I like the idea of meditation, I use it too but I need more time to relax; I try to focus my mind on every tiny sound around me (I live in a very quiet place!)

[lovenature]

Hey Skittles

My relationship was my first experience with love also; I know how devastated you feel, I also think that it will be a while before I love someone again, but you never know-I never thought I would find someone when I met my ex., and I had never heard of BPD.

Remember that a pwBPD has to move on the way they typically do; they need an attachment to exist, and they have the tools required to deflect the emotional pain that they can't process.

It has been said around here before that it takes what it takes to heal; while there are many similarities, no ones paths are the exact same. Try to focus on you.