We have been apart for so long, and the idea of seeing her in person makes me anxious. Anxious for fear my emotional stability will be damaged, and fear of what she will say/do once she dysregulates.
Does fear being my primary emotion indicate I have detached completely or am at least on the way?
It's normal to be anxious towards seeing someone you were with for 30 years and haven't seen in a while. And the message of fear is "be prepared"; there are many folks here who have seen their exes after a while and it's dysregulated them emotionally, including me, and that's not the issue specifically, it's how fast you get back to emotional stability after you leave, a measure of how well your detachment is working. And going into it, what can you do to prepare yourself for whatever it is that might happen? Once you've done everything you can, then time to realize courage is not the absence of fear but action in the face of fear, you're prepared, time to show up and see what you can learn yes?
I am _sad_for the official end of the relationship because it was what I "did" - I considered it to be my primary purpose for living. I am deeply frightened at the prospect of moving forward alone. I was together with her for 30 years. I wouldn't know what else to do.
Yes, your identities of husband and father were a large part of who you were, and you will always be a father, but not in the same capacity since your children are adults, and the loss of those identities needs to be grieved, if you haven't already. And now, who do you want to be? Changes are either losses or they're opportunities, and there's an opportunity to reinvent yourself in any way you want now, so what does your bright future look like? What compelling vision for a life you want to live can you create, and make it so big and bright that it pulls you towards it? That will have the added benefit of shifting the focus from the past to the future, and what else is there but moving forward?
