Things we may have begun to accept as "normal"

[samanthagrace]

Last night I had what I am hoping will have been my last argument with my uBPD ex-boyfriend, and today I find myself thinking about my relationship with him and how things got as far as they did. I reached out to my sister last night, who doesn't know much about my relationship with my ex, and told her what was going on and asked her if I sounded crazy when I was talking to him, I sent her screenshots of our texts. She said "I can't believe you think that sounds crazy! You stated the facts, expressed how you felt and it was all honest. Nothing about that was in any way abusive or crazy. He has you believing that you don't even have the right to express how you feel." I know this isn't an entirely original revelation, I have a decent understanding of BPD first from graduating with a BA in psychology and then from getting involved with my ex, having my counselor tell me she believes he may have BPD and then reading everything I could find on here, but it blew my mind that my sister could pick up on that so quickly and easily. I'm beginning to think of all of the distortions I have in my head about what "normal" or healthy behavior is in a relationship that developed during my time with him. Maybe someone can relate and contribute their own experiences.

It was normal for me to not be able to talk about how I felt, because expressing any kind of hurt or disappointment in the relationship was abusive or just trying to "tear him down"

It was normal for me to spill out my heart, beg for him to talk to me, ask for forgiveness, or even try to make regular conversation and for him to in turn ignore me. This could be by either not answering my messages at all, or to answer them hours later, say something like "I was sleeping" and completely refuse to acknowledge anything I had been saying. If I pushed for an answer or acknowledgment I was being overwhelming and abusive.

It was normal to give up my own needs for an apology or a resolution or a compromise in order to keep him with me.

It was normal for him to have total control over how and when we communicated. All of our communication happened through text after a while, anytime I tried to call so we could communicate more effectively he would ignore it.

It was normal for me to only be able to see him when he wanted to see me.

It was normal for me to think I didn't have the right to ask him to be there for me when I needed him but I bent over backwards for him anytime he had a problem.

Most troubling is that it was normal for me to be disrespected, invalidated, and accused of being abusive whenever I tried to get any of my own needs met.

There are probably a lot more but I'm just in a bit of a ramble and my thoughts aren't completely clear yet. I would love to hear other people's experiences of beginning to believe that you didn't have a right to have your needs met in a relationship as I know this is common. Anyone in a healthy relationship now surprised by how things are different with a healthier person? This was my only real long-term relationship so I'd love to know that there are better things ahead.

Thank you for reading.
 

[TheSinister]

Your sister fell into the boiling water without preperation
From wilipedia:
The boiling frog is an anecdote describing a frog slowly being boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is put in cold water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

[rfriesen]

samanthagrace,

Great list, and a good reminder of how extreme we can take the walking on eggshells in these relationships. I'll add a couple of points related to jealousy that make me cringe to look back on. My ex was the first woman I've dated who exhibited what I would call pathological levels of jealousy and suspicion.

It was normal for me to feel guilty and anxious if a female friend called me on my cell. (My ex constantly asked whether I had talked to any female friends and how long the calls were and what we talked about. She was ready to explode at things that I considered completely normal between friends -- eg a suggestion by a friend that we should catch up on skype sometime. And I'm talking about female friends who truly were nothing but friends, from grad school or my old running team, for instance. Also an ex who had been nothing but a friend for several years.)

It was normal for me to get worried and anxious if a female colleague suggested we have coffee together at the workplace cafeteria to go over some work. (My ex and I worked together at the some workplace, and she thought that me having coffee with a female colleague meant I was likely cheating on her with that colleague. She occasionally acknowledged she was "maybe" being paranoid and over-the-top with her jealousy.)

I like these examples because they remind me of how I contributed to the crazy dynamic of our relationship by not setting clear and appropriate boundaries for what I considered normal. Worse, I eventually started lying to my ex about harmless things -- like if I talked to a female friend on the phone in the most harmless way imaginable, I would just say I hadn't when my ex would ask. I wanted to avoid the drama. But my ex started demanding that I keep my phones visible at all times and she would explode if any female friend texted or called just to say hi. Plus the lies made me feel incredibly guilty and low about myself.

When I look back on it now, I can hardly believe I allowed things to go so far. I've had four or five previous longterm relationships (of at least a year and a half, say) and never experienced anything like it. It's made me reevaluate a lot of what brought me to that point.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi samanthagrace-

I'm sorry you were deep in that, it is very painful and confusing, and unfortunately it's not unique around here, but the good news is we've all been there and we understand.

"He has you believing that you don't even have the right to express how you feel."  Kudos to your sister for speaking the truth, and you for reaching out to her, hearing that might have been a wake up call for you, and she had the benefit of looking from the outside in, like TheSinister's reference to the frog and the slowly heated water, we can get unknowingly deep in it before realizing we're with someone with a personality disorder with their own agenda and focus.

Most troubling is that it was normal for me to be disrespected, invalidated, and accused of being abusive whenever I tried to get any of my own needs met.

As you might have learned in your psychology courses, borderlines need to be in control of the emotional distance in the relationship because it's a way to manage the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment: trash you self-esteem and cause you to doubt yourself and you won't have the courage to leave, limit how close you can get emotionally, texting-only is good for that, and he won't feel engulfed.  That's not necessarily conscious and/or malicious, it's just a way of dealing with emotions he can't deal with otherwise, and it works.

This was my only real long-term relationship so I'd love to know that there are better things ahead.

Oh yes, much better, which begs the question what is a healthy relationship?  Pretty much take your list and flip them around and that would be it, a relationship based upon mutual trust, mutual respect, open, honest communication, mutual validation, mutual compassion, and no abuse whatsoever.  But first, as you move forward with your detachment, grieve the loss of the relationship and all you made it mean, process all of the emotions, and move towards your bright future, have you begun to look at why you got so deep?  What beliefs you have about yourself and relationships, what you made things mean?  Sure, we were blindsided by mental illness, when my relationship flipped from idealization to devaluation, as borderline relationships do, I was confused, anxious, 'walking on eggshells' to coin an oft-used term, scampering around trying to 'fix' everything, and if that's true for you, what predisposed us to that?  :)igging there, and coming up with answers and good self-knowledge, can be the gift of the relationship, a depth of introspection we may not have gotten to without that motivation of the pain, on the way to our bright future.