I have to finally give up

[Infern0]

It's been a long 3 years this has.

On/off/on/off

Everything I read about BPD 2 years ago all ended up being true in my case, after each recycle I became less and less important to her and we have reached the point where she just doesn't care at all now.

I have sacrificed myself at the alter for far too long, and it's cost me so much.

In truth I don't actually blame her anymore, I think my compulsion to repeat the cycle has been what's kept it going this last 6 months.

Just not being able to shake the feeling that this was "supposed to work out"

But truth is I really do have more than my fair share of own issues that I need to work on. I've been like a dog chasing a car to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught it.

It was my choice to ignore all advice and think I knew best. My choice to keep going back.

It's sad that what was once a strong bond now means nothing but it's my time to move on and try and sort my mess of a life out.

[joeramabeme]

I've been like a dog chasing a car to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught it.

This is a great line.  I have often wondered what would I do if she suddenly knocked on the door and said; hi JRB, you were right, we should still be together and I brought my stuff with me and am moving back in.  

Uhmmm, wait a moment please, let me reality check my wishes  . . .

As the relationship ended, there was a sense of continually increased pace of chasing that perpetuated itself.  This chasing was punctuated with ever shorter moments of satisfaction and enjoyment that made me want to try even harder to maintain them.

I suppose that I had a short-circuited internal mechanism that made me feel as if her short punctuated moments of happiness were the result of my chasing, I am sure they were not.  It was more likely that I was probably validating some strange twist of logic that she had that perhaps felt like; he doesn't love me anymore and that is why he does this.

Not sure when I arrived at the place where my chase was not about love and flipped into chasing fears away, but at the end, that is what it amounted to; if I can prove to you I love you we will be together, let me chase even harder.  Exhausting.

Thanks for the post.

[Infern0]

I've been like a dog chasing a car to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught it.

This is a great line.  I have often wondered what would I do if she suddenly knocked on the door and said; hi JRB, you were right, we should still be together and I brought my stuff with me and am moving back in.  

Uhmmm, wait a moment please, let me reality check my wishes  . . .

As the relationship ended, there was a sense of continually increased pace of chasing that perpetuated itself.  This chasing was punctuated with ever shorter moments of satisfaction and enjoyment that made me want to try even harder to maintain them.

I suppose that I had a short-circuited internal mechanism that made me feel as if her short punctuated moments of happiness were the result of my chasing, I am sure they were not.  It was more likely that I was probably validating some strange twist of logic that she had that perhaps felt like; he doesn't love me anymore and that is why he does this.

Not sure when I arrived at the place where my chase was not about love and flipped into chasing fears away, but at the end, that is what it amounted to; if I can prove to you I love you we will be together, let me chase even harder.  Exhausting.

Thanks for the post.

In my case the initial idealization phase was overwhelming to me. It came on the back of a 3 year period of depression and isolation. I was sleepwalking through life and had basically given up on ever being happy, I was miserable.

She came bounding into my life from out of nowhere this beautiful fun happy little elf thing who loved me and thought I was amazing etc etc. It was like I suddenly snapped back to life.

When she left I was in this weird purgatory where I couldn't be satisfied being miserable anymore, but I couldn't have dream girl back either because she'd become a totally different person who didn't really resemble the person I had all that good time with.

I was extatic to get crumbs of that in the end, like a fun phonecall or a nice text.

I'm just an addict

[eprogeny]

Wow. Are we the same person?   I can relate to 98% of everything you've said.  You're not alone, that's for sure. 

It's been a long 3 years this has.

On/off/on/off

Everything I read about BPD 2 years ago all ended up being true in my case, after each recycle I became less and less important to her and we have reached the point where she just doesn't care at all now.

I'm there, too.  Mine was 4 years of the chaos and the push/pull and the constant recycling - even these last couple of days she's been begging for another chance, but it's definitely at the point where her behavior makes it very clear just how little she cares. 

I have sacrificed myself at the alter for far too long, and it's cost me so much.

Same. I lost so much that it felt like I ended up tossed from the Garden of Eden into a desolate wasteland.  It's ridiculous how severe the damage is when we survey it at the end, isn't it? 

It will be some time, I think, before I have my strong sense of self - and self-worth - back to where I feel like I am me.

In truth I don't actually blame her anymore, I think my compulsion to repeat the cycle has been what's kept it going this last 6 months.

Just not being able to shake the feeling that this was "supposed to work out"

Yes, that compulsion is a very real thing.  But, remember, it is a learned behavior straight from the dynamics that her disorder dictated for you for all those years.  You can break the compulsion.  I'm struggling with it, too, but I'm just so exhausted anymore that even if I wanted to recycle with her, yet again, I just really don't have the energy to do it.  It is a good place from which to start the NC and the healing. 

I 100% was convinced - and I mean convinced - that she and I had a real shot at what everyone hopes they will have someday.  I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that it was never possible - it only felt that way because of how exquisitely perfect the ideation phase made everything seem. 

But, over time, the devaluation phase became the norm, and when I stepped back to look at how much time over the 4 years I spent being devalued vs. how much I spent being adored... .it became very obvious that I'd spent 80% of it in misery trying to regain the 20% that had been so nice.  I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, but if I had I would have walked away years ago before the habitual recycling began.

If the same is true for you, then I hope it brings you the same comfort it brings to me.  You are stronger than you know.  You can make it through this.  If you couldn't, you wouldn't have hung on through so much pain and suffering, right?

But truth is I really do have more than my fair share of own issues that I need to work on. I've been like a dog chasing a car to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught it.

It was my choice to ignore all advice and think I knew best. My choice to keep going back.

Ah. Yes, we all have our own fair share, don't we?  Especially here on these boards, I think.  I know my relationship with my BPDex definitely opened my eyes to things I never even knew could be an issue for me - and that I have much more therapy to go through to find better ways to manage and cope.

It's sad that what was once a strong bond now means nothing but it's my time to move on and try and sort my mess of a life out.

It isn't just sad. It's downright tragic, if you ask me.  It is heartbreaking that what our BPD partners want so badly - to love and be loved - is the one thing they just cannot allow themselves to have.  And the strength of whatever allowed you to weather through the ups and downs just breaks down over the repeated use and abuse.  It's a devastating experience, and I am so sorry you've gone through it.

But I am deeply encouraged by your closing line.  I, too, am in that very same place.  And I believe we can make it through as better, stronger, and healthier people.

[myself]

You were someone who felt love, felt alive, felt appreciated... .

Sounds great. Not much wrong there. Don't cast yourself in such bad light.

But: While moving on, keep working on personal things you're tripping over.

[Imnotalone]

Wow I agree totally.

What hurts me is I did love my  BPDex I would have done anything short of hurting someone to help her.

In other relationships I know that the street goes both ways. We both can look back and reflect the good memories as well as the bad & value each other in a positive manner.

In my bPdex relationship I feel it's just one way.
For ex.) I remember going to Paris for her 21st and all the excitement and joy traveling together internationally,  If she looked back it would be her time in Paris, as if it happened but I were absent.

And that shatters me. All these memories potentionally remembered one way it's almost make believe. I don't know ... Im totally rambling hopefully some of this makes sense.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Infern0,

I'm sorry it's come to this; I know it's painful. You have taken a brave step to reach this kind of honesty with yourself. I commend you for being willing to do that, because it can be so difficult. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself as you step into the next chapter of your life. I expect it will be slow going, and tough, in the beginning, but then the momentum of walking will take over. Before you know it, you'll feel a lot better. 

Have you been talking to a professional at all during these 3 years? I feel that I was depressed after my breakup and therapy helped me explore why. It really helped.

We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Infern0]

Hi Infern0,

I'm sorry it's come to this; I know it's painful. You have taken a brave step to reach this kind of honesty with yourself. I commend you for being willing to do that, because it can be so difficult. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself as you step into the next chapter of your life. I expect it will be slow going, and tough, in the beginning, but then the momentum of walking will take over. Before you know it, you'll feel a lot better. 

Have you been talking to a professional at all during these 3 years? I feel that I was depressed after my breakup and therapy helped me explore why. It really helped.

We're here for you.

heartandwhole

I have had about 7 counselling sessions but I can't really afford more, they are not funded where I live so I have had to do a lot of research and stuff myself.

I do have a grasp on things I have come to the conclusion I have cptsd from my childhood. It is a real struggle holding down a job, paying the bills then trying to do all this self work too without much guidance.  It's a grind.

But you know I try and stay positive. The longest no contact I've had with my ex is around 4 months so hopefully with longer time I'll improve. Although to be honest I really need to figure out some better ways at treating my own cptsd I think that's the real issue

[heartandwhole]

I hear you, Infern0. I think it's so important to have support when doing this internal work. My therapist treated me on a sliding scale, as I couldn't afford her normal fee. You might ask the same from your therapist? Or find one who does that.

I'm thinking universities might have info. about therapists-in-training who might practice therapy under supervision at much lower costs, too.

Also, if you haven't seen it, the DBT self-help website has tons of practices that you may find helpful. Here's a .pdf about skills that I like:

www.dbtselfhelp.com/What_Skills.pdf

heartandwhole

[eprogeny]

I have had about 7 counselling sessions but I can't really afford more, they are not funded where I live so I have had to do a lot of research and stuff myself.

If you do an internet search for low-cost or no-cost therapy, you may be able to find at least one good directory website that can put you in touch with a therapist you can see.  I also know in some areas, like in the UK, the therapy is free provided you can get a referral from your regular doctor.  Have you tried that route yet?

I do have a grasp on things I have come to the conclusion I have cptsd from my childhood. It is a real struggle holding down a job, paying the bills then trying to do all this self work too without much guidance.  It's a grind.

Complex PTSD, as you have, definitely makes that struggle harder.  I have PTSD, myself, so I definitely relate to what you're going through. 

Have you checked for any local community in-person groups where you can join and talk with others?   You've said where you live that therapy is not funded - if you're in the UK the NIH will give you therapy through your GP's referral (it is how I was able to help my uBPDexgf get a referral).  If you're in the US - you may find sliding scale and low/no cost therapy options in your area if you do some internet searching. 

I can also recommend some very good self-help PTSD workshop-style books.  I've used some in my own recovery, and found them to be tremendously helpful. 

But you know I try and stay positive.

That is all we can do, I think.  Staying positive about ourselves, being honest with ourselves, and being open and motivated to get better is what will eventually bring about the healing we need. 

The longest no contact I've had with my ex is around 4 months so hopefully with longer time I'll improve. Although to be honest I really need to figure out some better ways at treating my own ptsd I think that's the real issue

I agree with that bit I bolded there - our issues are always the real issues in the end, right?  It eventually comes back to why did we end up with such damaging relationships, why didn't we leave them sooner, and what was our part in the dysfunction. 

While it is never solely our fault for the dysfunction, we always do have a part in it.  We cannot own the behaviors and patterns of others, but we can own our own.  You seem so very motivated to find a healthier path, and that is so great to see!  That motivation and your self-awareness are going to be your best aids in your recovery. 

I hope you will gentle with yourself, and that you will continue to stay self-aware and motivated as you recover.  It is a long and difficult road, but it is always worth it.