Progress update - man, what a difference time is making

[eprogeny]

I had to come here to relay how I'm feeling about things because man... .I feel GREAT!

I needed some time and space from my BPDexgf because of how much I was hurting, but after just speaking to my ex I believe now more than ever that removing emotional investment is the best choice I ever made.  It didn't come easy to get to that place - for sure, it took some hard realizations about my own dysfunction and some time to let the turmoil settle, but I think I'm well on my way now.

I'm no longer conflicted about the "end" or the state of NC or any of it really.  It's amazing to feel completely sure, finally, that I made the right choice to remove myself from it.

While I remain a bit melancholy about losing the future I had hoped for - I am getting much clearer insight into just what exactly that future would have been like, and I keep feeling more and more relief rather than regret. I don't even hurt about the loss now - and I really never thought I would feel that way.  

The conversation I just had showed me just how much I had invested that I never should have.  We talked pretty fairly about the spiral of doom we were in

Toward the end she started to say how she wanted to let our light contact continue and to sort of "gel" for her so she could see how she felt about re-establishing our friendship yada yada yada.  I immediately cut in and said "uh, actually... ." and began to explain that I'm GOOD with how things are going - that I don't want our friendship back the way it had been these last years, that I am convinced now more than ever I don't ever want it to be that way again, and that maybe I would be willing to re-evaluate it if she has enough time in therapy to control her symptoms - but not before then.  I think she was genuinely shocked.

Truth is, I'm really not interested in recycling in any way whatsoever.  Even if I thought we could re-establish our bond, I don't want it the way that it was.  I don't want the emotional investment that wasn't healthy for me.  Not now, and not really ever again.  I'm not against a healthier type of investment at some future date, mind you.  But I don't want to even consider it anytime soon and I don't feel like I need it in my future.  I think she was genuinely shocked by it, and I was surprised how very little her statements effected my choice on the matter.  Really surprised.  

I also laid down a boundary (first time ever!) and I'm so ridiculously proud of myself for doing it.  In the past she would (purposefully or not) drop hints about a material thing she wanted but couldn't afford.  I have always gladly picked up the hint and made sure she got whatever that material item was.  Today she dropped a hint and I said "Okay, new boundary for me - I need to make sure that when I do something for someone, that I'm doing it for the right reasons.  I don't ever want to pick up your hints and do something for you in the hopes that it will earn something for me that I shouldn't feel I have to earn."  Then I asked her to please not drop hints like that again.  She denied it being a hint, and maybe it wasn't, but either way I am just so proud of myself for realizing I could leave the hint on the ground.  

I don't even know if I knew that was a boundary until that moment, to be honest.  I'm really beginning to see just how not good with my own boundaries I am.  I seem to only know I have one when it's already been violated.  So, this is a step in the right direction, yeah?  It felt fantastic to not do what I've done in the past - to take the hint and either buy the item or send her the money so she could buy it - and I'm just really really happy about it.

She has an initial appointment with a psychiatrist next week and she asked me if I will still help her (financially) get the treatment she needs.  My answer was hard to get to but I eventually said that I think the extent of my help on that will be to help her weigh her best standard of care options against what she can afford.

And, you know what?  That felt great, too!  I didn't even feel guilty about it!  

I keep expecting to have a downswing on the emotional side - to find myself wanting to grovel at her feet - to drunk dial her - or... .I don't know... .something like it has always been in the past... .and it's not happening.  I've not been all that stable recently, but it hasn't been because of the relationships issues.  It's been because I'm dealing with my realizations about my own dysfunction, and I'm wondering if that is really the major difference this time.

I don't feel the compulsion to try to "fix" things anymore - not even to try to earn better treatment from her, or to "save" her from herself, nor to really do anything about any of that.  It's almost like this time none of that matters - and I think it's because I have realized why I felt all that compulsion in the past, and see now how it was the perfect dance partner to the waltz we were always doing.

I only hope this isn't temporary.  I'm not anxious that it will be, but I am aware of how so many others have been right where I am and ended up in another recycle anyway.

Any advice you all have on how to manage the emotional side of what leads to that is much appreciated.

[anonymous1234]

While I remain a bit melancholy about losing the future I had hoped for - I am getting much clearer insight into just what exactly that future would have been like, and I keep feeling more and more relief rather than regret. I don't even hurt about the loss now - and I really never thought I would feel that way.  

I do recognize this, this is now the primary thing that hurts me. My imagined future is gone, which was based on a fantasy, but still it was a future. I hate the being alone and single part. How do you handle this, are you content just being alone? I realize that the future with her would have involved a lot of conflict but still, we did had good times and I miss those a lot.

[eprogeny]

My imagined future is gone, which was based on a fantasy, but still it was a future.

Perhaps some more gentleness on how you look back on it is in order.  It may not be that the fantasy itself was false, but maybe simply incomplete.

In my case, I remain confident that my BPDexgf and I could indeed have had the "fantasy" I had in my head - but that it also would have come with some intense difficulties I'm only really just starting to wrap my head around.  Those difficulties are why I am so glad the relationship has ended - because I really would have stood by her through better or worse, and I realize now that my future will now not include those particular difficulties.  And it is a massive relief to see I've dodged that bullet.

I hate the being alone and single part. How do you handle this, are you content just being alone?

Yes, I am content being alone.  What has been hard with the end of my relationship is letting go of the close friendship that came to mean so much to me.  It is hard to know that it is gone, and I do miss closeness we shared as our friendship turned to romance.  But I have also come to understand exactly why that extra layer meant more than it should have.

What I mean is, the value that extra layer held for me was not just because it meant what it meant.  It had added value I never even knew was in play - which was my own childhood wounds were being addressed.  That was why the loss of the relationship and friendship was so debilitating painful.  And that is what I won't miss - I won't miss that level of intensity, though I will always miss the friendship.

I will be open to a closeness like that again someday, but I have much to work on in myself before I will be ready for that.  In the meantime, I see the lack of relationship as an opportunity for myself - so that my future relationships will be much healthier for me.

I realize that the future with her would have involved a lot of conflict but still, we did had good times and I miss those a lot.

Yes, that's totally understandable.  However, the BPD would never allow the good times without the conflict.  It just isn't possible.  And that is what helped me to realize that my inability to see it for what it was had as much to do with my own subconscious wounds as it did my ignorance of BPD.

Does it change the sense of loss?  No, not at all.  But when you really think about it all - don't you think you deserved better treatment?  It was when I began to realize there was a reason I kept trying in the relationship for something better (like how it was in the good times) that I realized why I did that.

It was painful, but it solved the pain enough that I can now say I feel only the regret for having lost what was once a valuable friendship - and relief that I won't be harmed within the romance for the rest of my life. 

Do you feel relieved, despite the feelings of loss?

[Larmoyant]

Do you feel relieved, despite the feelings of loss?

I hope it’s ok to weigh in here. This question was interesting as was your post eprogeny. I’m not nearly where you are right now, but have started to feel some of what you write about. I wouldn’t say I feel relieved right now, rather accepting. Starting to accept what has happened, accepting that he truly has a mental disorder that I cannot do anything about. The three C’s. I didn’t cause it, cannot control it nor change it. It is bigger than him and bigger than me. It’s sad because I loved him. He doesn’t believe I love him which is even sadder. I hope he has moments when he realises I did. The feelings of loss are immense so no relief, just the beginnings of a necessary, but sad feeling of acceptance that the future I wanted isn’t going to be.

[eprogeny]

I wouldn’t say I feel relieved right now, rather accepting.

If it helps to know, that was a place I was in about a year ago.  I knew less about BPD and co-dependency at the time, so I think you are far further than I was when that feeling begin to happen for me.

Since becoming aware of the reality of just how much of my BPDexgf's behaviors were not things she did out of conscious thought - but were, literally, how her illness manifests - made for a quick path through the muck to get to this side of it.  In my case, it helped to be so far at the end of my rope that when the "final straw" happened I was able to feel both the sense of relief while feeling devastated. 

Again, were it not for the revelation I had of why my pain was so severe I am not sure I could have fast-forwarded to get to this point.   

It is bigger than him and bigger than me.

Yes.  Yes, it is.  And that's a very sobering realization - and is when the acceptance for me began.  Realizing this left me with a feeling of such resignation that it was hard to know how to feel about it.  In the end, when you begin to think you can break yourself against the rocks of his BPD and still end up here, or you can realize the inevitability of that end and save yourself before it destroys you. 

It’s sad because I loved him. He doesn’t believe I love him which is even sadder. I hope he has moments when he realises I did.

Chances are he does know you loved him but cannot deal with that knowledge - which dysregulates him.  My BPDexgf knew - she knew - I loved her.  She also knew I would never have abandoned her... .but that didn't stop her fears that maybe one day I wouldn't - and that fear was too overwhelming to her. 

The level of her dysregulation over those fears led her to an incredibly destructive series of splitting me white/black for so long and to so such extremes that she just could not handle it.  She had to get away from it - and it took her years of her frantic efforts to get to this place where she could walk away and let me walk away without it causing her any harm.

Based on our talk tonight I know she's still looking for my love, and I can tell by her behaviors she's still not finished with her feelings for me - yet I am absolutely convinced that there's no point in another cycle.  Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result won't get either of us what we really want - which is a happy healthy relationship with each other.  Something has to change.

Your ex almost certainly knows you loved him - he just can't handle it.  He needs the help of therapy to regulate his own emotions.  Until then, all you can do is work on you.

The feelings of loss are immense so no relief, just the beginnings of a necessary, but sad feeling of acceptance that the future I wanted isn’t going to be.

More importantly, the future you wanted simply cannot be.  Not until he gets to a place of Recovery can he ever be part of a "happier ever after".  Their BPD is in control, and BPD doesn't want that kind of happiness. 

The only thing you can change is you - to address that "thing" in you that needed his level of dysfunction.  What were you looking for?  Why does the loss of it hurt you to the depths you feel it?

Are you still in contact?

[Larmoyant]

Are you still in contact?

Yes and no! It’s been 8 months since I ended it, but he still pops up now and again. Not so much in the last month. Just one time last weekend when he wrote accusing me of something I didn’t do. I posted about it on here. At first I was all over the place, but gradually I’ve re-balanced and, if anything, it helped me to detach further. Made me realise that his thinking patterns really are out of line and nothing has changed. At the same time my compassion for him has overflowed because I can really see the illness. If you understand what I mean? The pieces of the puzzle are coming together.

You mention something has to change if you were to reconnect with her and I’m guessing that has to start with us if we want it. I’ve begun to unravel some of my own issues. The deep seated pain that his behaviour seemed to trigger over and over causing so much hurt and further damage. I’m beginning to understand it now knowing that I can’t allow him access to me until I’ve made peace with it. He’d destroy me, but I've decided I want to live again. I’ve not completely let go, but it’s coming.

You sound like you’re in a good place right now, a hard won place of acceptance. It makes me feel that I’ll get there too. Maybe I’m closer than I think. Thanks for posting this.

[Larmoyant]

Any advice you all have on how to manage the emotional side of what leads to that is much appreciated.

If I was tempted to go back for another recycle I would step back and try to be as objective as I could. Feel whatever emotion(s) came up and try to see what was beneath them. What ‘need’ was beneath the emotion? Perhaps it would be that ‘need’ that propels you to want to reengage. Reengage with someone who maybe hasn’t done any work to change making it highly unlikely that things will work out again, in all probability it would be worse. It gets worse each recycle at least in my experience it did. I’d also go back and reread old posts, journals, emails to ground myself in reality. Be real, objective, fight the creation of any fantasy that might arise (not saying you do that just my experience).

[Sadly]

This is such a good strong post. Thank you both. xx

[eprogeny]

Made me realise that his thinking patterns really are out of line and nothing has changed. At the same time my compassion for him has overflowed because I can really see the illness. If you understand what I mean? The pieces of the puzzle are coming together.

Yep, I know exactly what you mean.  And that's what you can hold onto - the knowledge that his patterns are what they are, that they existed before you, and that they will exist until he gets treatment.  Let those pieces come together for you.  Right now the understanding you're seeking - that "I'm free!" moment of clarity is on the horizon. 

The rest of what you need to get there is on its way.  The pieces just take time to settle... .kind of like the way the little pieces inside a snowglobe are all swirly until they finally come to rest.  In that same way, I have every confidence you are well on your way.

Stay focused on you.  On what you miss, why you miss it, and drill deep into it.  It's hard.  It's painful, but my God is it freeing.  I look forward to reading about your process as you continue on the path.

You mention something has to change if you were to reconnect with her and I’m guessing that has to start with us if we want it.

My father used to say "If you want something to be different tomorrow, you have to do something different today."  Truth is, if she and I were to re-establish our friendship, I'd have to know two things - that she had the ability to manager her symptoms, and also that I was not going to become enmeshed again.

I can control exactly one of those.  So, that is where I am focusing my energy.  I have less than zero interest in experiencing that kind of enmeshment again.  Ya feel me?  :D

I’ve begun to unravel some of my own issues. The deep seated pain that his behaviour seemed to trigger over and over causing so much hurt and further damage. I’m beginning to understand it now knowing that I can’t allow him access to me until I’ve made peace with it. He’d destroy me, but I've decided I want to live again. I’ve not completely let go, but it’s coming.

Excellent!  That's exactly the kind of thinking that got me to where I am.  You're absolutely right - your own issues coupled with his issues are just another Merry-Go-Round-of-Doom.  You may not have happily exited that ride, but you can darn well be glad you're not on it anymore.

I know it's extraordinarily difficult to not miss the ex - to not long for that closeness, that feeling they gave us. I know it is.  We all do.

And the great thing is that once you're a little further down this path you'll realize you can heal that part of you enough so that it never holds you hostage to something like this again.  How much better will your next deep loving relationship be for you when you can get your inner-wounds met with care and love without feeling like you have to earn it?  Just imagine, yeah?  And that is why these events will be the greatest gift we've ever been given.

We've been given a chance to heal wounds we never knew we had.  And, maybe, we might never have come to awareness without these experiences.  Once we arrive at where we need to be, we can confidently know that we never have to repeat these painful lessons again.

You sound like you’re in a good place right now, a hard won place of acceptance. It makes me feel that I’ll get there too. Maybe I’m closer than I think. Thanks for posting this.

Yes, I am!  I have moments where I'm still a little wobbly, but more and more I realize I was part of the parade and couldn't see much of what was happening... .now I'm in the grandstand and I have a very different perspective and it is that which has fostered the acceptance. 

I'm so glad you have found some strength through the sharing.  It's so good to help and be helped, and I am glad we are doing that for each other. 

[Visitor]

I don't even know if I knew that was a boundary until that moment, to be honest. 
Any advice you all have on how to manage the emotional side of what leads to that is much appreciated.

Only that it's human nature to up the anti when your boundaries get stronger. It's a huge hit to their ego when they feel they can't control you anymore. I've heard stories of BPDs giving their ex's everything from being in trouble with drug dealers to cancer scares. When this happens don't come to her rescue it's not your problem.

If the tables were turned they wouldn't give a damn.

[heartandwhole]

Well done, eprogeny!   What an inspiring post, and a great example of how detachment leads to freedom.

Keep on this path, you are learning so much about yourself, and sharing your wisdom with all of us. That's how we grow and help each other.

Boundaries are something I work on all the time, too. Here is some excellent info. about them if you haven't seen it already:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I'm proud of you, too, for handling that contact with your ex so well. 

heartandwhole