boyfriend's borderline adult children

[losttranslation]

Hello,

I am in my late 30's, divorced with sole custody of a 6 year old daughter, and in a ten month-long relationship with a wonderful caring man. However, his former spouse has BPD and his two daughters, both in their late teens, have it as well. They both have self-harming and impulsive behaviors (cutting, substance abuse, promiscuity, substance abuse) and they have each attempted suicide. They are also smart and manipulative.

To stay in this relationship I feel I need to see some improvement in this situation, specifically to know that the girls are working towards stability. At present, they are not in treatment for BPD (although they have been diagnosed) because they don't want to go and no one forces the issue; they go from crisis to apparent calm to crisis again.  The other shoe is always looming.

At the same time that I recognize the severity of these issues I am torn because I do love this man.

Any advice?

[Turkish]

Hello losttranslation,

What's the custody time with the two teens? Do you and your daughter feel safe around them?

Turkish

[Thunderstruck]

Hi losttranslation 

That must be a very difficult situation for all of you. Not only are there coparenting issues with a pwBPD (mom) but add to that mix trying to help teens with their own impulsiveness and emotional issues. Very challenging work.

What are your SO's thoughts on the situation? Is he fighting to get them in treatment/therapy or has he reached the point of letting go? Is he enabling their behavior or does he seem to be setting up and enforcing boundaries?

This board is aimed at helping with coparenting with a pwBPD so definitely post here if you have anything you'd like to discuss regarding BPDmom. You could also check out the parenting a son/daughter suffering from BPD board for help with the girls. A lot of the parents over there are dealing with the self-harming, substance abuse, promiscuity, impulsive and emotional issues that you see in your SOs daughters.

[losttranslation]

Thank you both for responding.

Custody is split legally but in practice the girls go where they want to at any given time.  This seems to depend on which parent is attempting to enforce boundaries/structure -- they escape to the other parents' house to avoid dealing with the structure.

No, I don't feel safe having my daughter around them.  At first it was OK, but once I experienced the extent of the instability I stopped allowing this.  My relationship with their father, my SO, is a trigger for the girls' self-harm so things have gotten worse as the relationship has progressed.

My SO has shut down.  Letting go is a good phrase -- he does not have the energy to set the boundaries or enforce going to therapy.

My concern is how deeply I should continue to be involved.  In the trio of adults here -- the ex-wife who is pwBPD and my SO and me -- I am the only one who is upset enough about the self-harm to push for change i.e. treatment etc... Everyone else seems content to survive the crisis and just hold on until the next one comes.

Thank you for the tip about the parenting board.

[bravhart1]

Your SOs ex is unstable. So she's not going to sound the alarm for the teens getting help. Your SO may be stuck in don't rock the boat mode. Is he willing to fight for the teens welfare, i.e. Get them help for the self harm? If not he may be a bit unstable himself after being exposed to this crazy life for so long.
Perhaps he needs to focus on getting himself in a better place before taking on another relationship.
I guess the big question for you might be " are MY needs being met in this relationship, or am I just needed for my ability to help"?
From my personal experience, (I'm in your shoes, My SO has an ex with BPD and a child with her behaviors and kids of my own) I'll say this... .
Life is short. Sometimes the selfish thing is the right thing. Self care isn't selfish, it's the opposite of self harm.

[losttranslation]

Your SOs ex is unstable. So she's not going to sound the alarm for the teens getting help. Your SO may be stuck in don't rock the boat mode. Is he willing to fight for the teens welfare, i.e. Get them help for the self harm? If not he may be a bit unstable himself after being exposed to this crazy life for so long.
Perhaps he needs to focus on getting himself in a better place before taking on another relationship.
I guess the big question for you might be " are MY needs being met in this relationship, or am I just needed for my ability to help"?
From my personal experience, (I'm in your shoes, My SO has an ex with BPD and a child with her behaviors and kids of my own) I'll say this... .
Life is short. Sometimes the selfish thing is the right thing. Self care isn't selfish, it's the opposite of self harm.

Thanks so much for this reply and for grounding it in your experience. Your question about my needs getting met is spot-on and that's what I've been struggling with -- no, my needs are not getting met. I've slipped into a caretaker role and my SO has been holding on to the relationship like a lifeline. Right now my SO is not willing to rock the boat enough to get them help; your point about his stability is an interesting one.

Thank you so much your thoughts.