Litmus test (pwBPD and kids) ?

[earlgrey]

Read the interesting topic about red flags, and I am sure many of them, with a particularly attractive (it happens) new partner could well be minimised or put to one side temporarily.

Also from my experience many of the traits that become deal-breakers, do not even appear until some kind of deal has already happened. In other words you are well into the r/s when the real red flags really start fluttering.

However (and this is my experience) there is one aspect of all of this dysfunction that is apparent, unhidden, and speaks volumes of what can be expected, even in the early days. And that is the r/s of the pwBPD with their child.

When we started our r/s, my uB/NPDgf had a D7. D7 was receiving at that time pretty harsh treatment. Not enough to call social services by any means, let's just call it less than nurturing. No hugs, kisses or cuddles, and generally not much interest in what was going on/she was doing. I was getting attention and kisses and cuddles (well let's say my attention was being mirrored) and I remember noticing the lack of attention going towards D7, but my thinking went no further... .I was not looking for red flags.

Follow story several years down the road, and you will see mum and D. never got on the same page and husband (that's me) ended up like D7. In fact now D is adult, we (me and D19) deal with all the well listed traits.

Does this kind of behaviour (treatment of children) hold up with other people's stories, or is it specifically mine?

[JerryRG]

Hello earlgrey

My experience is similar, my son's mother is so attention seeking and needy that our son goes without his needs, she can cook and clean (barely) but to give a child love and nurture them, she falls very short.

Her mother has expressed this as well, saying daughter cannot be emotionally there for our son, I believe grandmother thinks I will compensate for this vacuum.

I have witnessed her being verbally abusive, swearing in his face to shut the f up, she spanked him when he wouldn't sit still for diaper changes and one night she threw him in his crib and yelled at him to shut the f up.

She let him sleep in his crib, soaked diaper for up to 18-20 hours routinely and he now has a perminent flat spot on the back of his head.

She's a nightmare, she said she needed him to keep her sober and kept me out of his life until I got court ordered visitations and since that time, around 6 months of age I've taken care of him almost exclusively.

She takes him back when she wants attention from him or shows him off to her family, her fb posts are always about how great a mother she is, never talks about our sons achievements.

It's a mess, she's so immature and sick, our son pays the price.

She has talked about giving him to me full time but she would then loose child support, she refuses to work so she's not giving up the free ride.

I hope things work out for you

[earlgrey]

Hey Jerry, I feel for you and your son. I understand what you are going through 

Your son's got you though 

We also have a D8 together and I have witnessed lots of stuff that I don't like. Like you I fill in most of the gaps.

When you met did she already have any kids - could you observe her behaviour?

[JerryRG]

Our son is her first, she was so condescending with statements about her superior parenting skills, I have 3 other children and yet I couldn't do anything right, her high standards only applied to me, she could rationalize any shortcoming in her behaviors.

Her father is visiting this week, so she wants our son all this week, He's been with me for the last month because she's dying of... .thinking... .oh it's cancer this time.

She's just trying to impress her father, the sad thing is her father abandoned her and her siblings and he treats her very badly, he's ok with her brothers but he does not like her. It may be because she attempted to make everyone believe he sexually assaulted her.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife is a terrible mother. She doesnt know how to nurture a child. As with other posts she pushes the children aside for her partner.

My exgf on the other hand is over the top with her kids.

I think with my exgf its due to fear of abandonment. She had her children later in life so had already had many failed relationships. Her kids are the one relationship where she bends over backwards so they wont abandon her. If she tells them off she will go out and buy them something to make up for it. That said she does flip out at them and has full blown rages.

[kc sunshine]

There were several red flags in relation to my BPDex and her child:

1) her child complained early on that she was mirroring me and that she was dressing and acting in a way that wasn't like her, and also that she would be happy and jokey only when I was around.

2) She had a hard time being attentive to the needs of her daughter,
in particular keeping food in the house for her to eat.

3) Her daughter told me stories about my ex's past relationships and that she wanted "to warn people who are getting involved with her... .
She said that her mom's relationships always end disasterously.

4) her daughter has significant BPD traits herself (cutting, suicidality, etc) indicating that the disorder runs pretty deep in the family... .My ex's mother has it too.

There's more, but those are the main ones... .

[steelwork]

My was really close with and attentive to his kid. He did seem to compete with his wife for the kid's favor. He also acted like (and described himself as) an older brother. But that's not surprising, since his older brother kind of raised him.

He was terrified, when he got divorced, that his wife would somehow be able to take his son away. Was so worried she'd move out of state that he bought her a house as they were in the process of separating. And then, to save money, moved into the basement! Crazy.

Anyhow, as usual, I think it's not a good idea to try to put together some kind of profile of BPD parenting from a few non-random examples. I think my ex's relationship with his kid reflected some of his basic relationship patterns vis-a-vis fear of abandonment, emotional immaturity, etc.