BPD wife + 2 kids

[Melech]

I'm skipping over making an intro post, as there's now way I'd be able to not elaborate way too much on why I'm here in such a post.

I likely had a mother with BPD, or similar, so my boundaries were never that well enforced. I was kinda used to the boundary violations when I met my wife 6 years ago. 1 year in we were engaged. A year later we were married. A year after that we had a kid.

Now we have 2 kids, the smallest isn't even 1 year yet. Last summer when she got pregnant I freaked. The previous 6 months had been bad, and I knew that we both would have problems surviving a pregnancy and the year after that (literally). She didn't take me opting for abortion that well, so it all ended in sending in the divorce papers. But as time went on the little one arrived and we began having sex again. Might not have been my best call, but it probably has helped getting a relationship with the little one.

We had to confirm the divorce, which we didn't do, so we're still married. But still split up, living in the same town.

I want to sell the house I've been living in after we split up. I've been offered a house cheaply to renovate. She doesn't want to sell. And to be honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to live with her right now anyway.

I think I want to keep having a relationship with her, but less entwined than we've been before. Less co-dependent. Separate accounts, separate accommodation (for now), etc. But I'm not sure how that's going to fly. And me getting started on a house project is me putting down my roots here, and as she's from far away, she won't appreciate it as she might want to get closer to her parents.

___. It's hard to describe issues like these in text.

I'd really like to help her get through this, I've been motivated and had energy before, but now I lack the energy. I just can't put up with this ___ anymore, right now. And now we have two kids to take into account as well, and right now I don't think I can handle BPD spouse and responsibly bringing up 2 kids.

My go-to thought is often "leave her, take the kids". Not that she wouldn't get to see them, but she has other stuff to deal with, and it might be better for both parties that she just see the kids when she's actually feeling relatively well. Right now it's mostly bad, and when it's good it's so very easy for her to be triggered and it all turns bad again.

That might not be the best idea though, it doesn't feel like it, but I can't really think of anything else.

I get that I've left out a lot, and as such giving me any feedback is probably hard, but I've you've at least read this far, thanks.

[ArleighBurke]

OK... .to clarify:

• your mother was BPD. Are you suggesting your wife is as well? Has she been formally diagnosed?
• You are technically married, but living apart. Who are the kids living with? What are current visitation schedules?
• If you want to sell the house but she doesn't - I presume that means that both of your names are on the deed?

If you want to be separate - but stay "dating" her - I would suggest getting divorced and doing a property settlement to fully separate finances. But it doesn't sound like you know if this is what you want or not... .

[Notwendy]

I think I want to keep having a relationship with her, but less entwined than we've been before. Less co-dependent. Separate accounts, separate accommodation (for now), etc. But I'm not sure how that's going to fly. And me getting started on a house project is me putting down my roots here, and as she's from far away, she won't appreciate it as she might want to get closer to her parents.

Hi Melech,

I think it is good that you recognize how your upbringing can influence our boundaries and our choice of partners for relationships.

While your wife may have BPD, it isn't possible for us to change another person. The good news is that we can learn how to have healthy boundaries and emotionally healthier ways to interact with others. That can benefit us and all our relationships with people.

What you are wishing for sounds like a "friends with benefits" situation. I think that would take a mutual agreement between two people. In addition, you have children together and raising them in this situation is a consideration. It's a bit ambiguous- mommy and daddy are together but not really. This situation is ambiguous for you and your wife too. Would you date other people? Lots of possible questions. To be married or divorced is a boundary. One situation is a theraputic separation, but that is done under the guidance of a marriage counselor.

It's OK to be undecided at the moment, as it could take some time to decide what to do. However, remaining on the fence for a really long time can also keep the two of you stuck.

A middle situation might be to stay in place for now, and work on yourself- the messages you learned as a child, boundary issues. There can be some personal boundaries/finances while being married. The benefit of doing this is to you, and the relationship- no matter what the outcome is in this relationship. It is said that, if someone has poor boundaries, they attract others with poor boundaries, so whichever way this relationship goes, this can benefit you.