How to help BPD partner refusing help with high stress situations

[Beren2016]

Hi all (i hope i have posted this in the right place this is my first post)

a bit of background.

my girlfriend suffers from Emotionally unstable/borderline personality disorder and is currently in treatment, she lives alone.

in context of this post.  She has motivation problems, brought about by her many emotions and feelings, especially with respect to housework and some respects of self care. consequently the little bits of daily normal housework get neglected and don't get completed... .now i help out but at this stage i felt like it was more important for her to have her independence and responsibility (as much as she is ok with so she doesn't get overwhelmed)

now her home has been neglected for so long she has had no dishes for months and has rubbish (paper wrappers etc,) all over her floor for months. at this point its like she shuts it out and cant see it, when she does it bring extreme shame and she has an emotional crisis. at this point i have been trying to step in for a while, both trying to motivate her and with offers of help and even offers to do it for her.

i only ever come to her with help and am never (to me) confrontational But any motivation attempts are met with accusation of control and that i am a controlling person. if i try to do any for her or offer to do it together she freaks out and panics and refuses the help, if i continue to offer she gets angry which inevitably ends in me getting told to leave.


i think she projects her internal emotions onto me she is ashamed and hates herself for letting it get this bad and she think i feel the same about her... .i don't i, only see the difficulties she has and how i can help, i understand very well what she goes through daily.

she is in a cycle she doesnt have the want to do basic tidying so cant... .this escalates and builds... .she then gets ashamed and hates herself and pushes and help away... .eventually something will happen that needs her to tidy up so she has a crisis and panics causing extreme distress... .


i need advice in how to help her break this cycle. as any help is view as and "attack" it is now a forbidden subject and even mentioning "tidying up" results in her locking down emotionally or extreme anger directed at me. I realise both are in response to her intense internal feelings, but these feelings are causing her extreme pain daily due to the shame and are causing her emotional state to deteriorate generally... .but the same feelings are preventing the situation being resolved

how can i break this cycle and help her through this i am at a loss at how to help her... .

ps.
the housework isn't what bothers me... its the way i see i affect her emotionally and the pain it causes

thank you in advance
 

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[JohnLove]

Hi Beren2016. I am anticipating the potential solutions to this same phenomena. 

[Mutt]

Hi Beren2016,



I'm sorry to hear that. I would find it hard to watch a loved one feeling low, unmotivated and depressed.

she is in a cycle she doesnt have the want to do basic tidying so cant... .this escalates and builds... .she then gets ashamed and hates herself and pushes and help away... .eventually something will happen that needs her to tidy up so she has a crisis and panics causing extreme distress... .

We're not responsible for someone else's feelings,we're responsible to manage our own feelings, it's difficult for a pwBPD because feelings are two thousand fold and they cannot self regulate, a pwBPD also have low self esteem, low self worth and need a lot of validation. I think that it would help to validate your gf's feelings but don't overdo it, we can't control others we can only control how we act / react with others.

You mentioned that she was getting treated for BPD? How is that going? How are you? How's your support network in real life?

The lessons are on the right side of the board, I'll leave you with some reading material on validation.

 Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating]https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating]Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

[SettingBorders]

I support what Mutt wrote to you about validation. Your validation of her feelings will help her to recognize her own feelings she might not be really aware of. Then, the next step FOR HER to do is to think about how to improve how she feels.

My boyfriend, who has BPD traits, also is avoiding certain things in his life. I have so much tried to help in the past, motivating, starting it myself, making a plan with him and (lovingly) try to make him stick with it... .It all turned out as bad as with you: Beeing told to be controlling and the source for his stress. This probably isn't even a BPD-reaction, but a normal human behaviour.

The only thing that worked was telling him: "I can see why this stresses you out." and "Hey, when you need help with this, I am there for you." The result for now it not that he does the things that stress him - no - but he admits and understand that it's these undone things that make him feel bad (not me) and that the only way to solved this is to finally do them. I like to consider this a progress ... . 

[Beren2016]

sorry for my late reply

Thank you Mutt and Setting borders.

your comments where very usefully, i try to learn as much as i can about validation as it really helps my girlfriend alot. I think that reassurance has been very comforting for in regard to this issue, although i dont expect the feelings of atttack to go away anytime soon. and for me it was helpful... .

she has made progress, she has washed some of the dishes and is expressing that the mess in the rest of the flat is 'annoying her', and i am praising her for finding the motivation as i am immensely proud and supporting her however i can while trying not to "push".

Mutt you asked about here treatment... .

she still has many difficulties that are experienced in BPD she is progressing well and i see her attempts of use her coping techniques to get through episodes all of the time... .she cant see this progress and consequently, as she is feeling grey areas and feeling a lot more, feels like she is getting worse and gets easily overwhelmed...

support is a difficult one she has her Psych nurse and a support worker with lived experience of BPD, but she may be nearing discharge so that could be difficult in future... .i am also all ways there for her to talk things through with... .

as for me i am able to talk to her Nurse if i need to but i cant talk to many people about BPD worries as my family are not the most empathetic people and don't really "get" mental illness and my friends may not understand either.

I do have several good friends and do have time for me to relax and detach though.

again thank you for your help it help to here people tell me the best way to go instead of stumbling around being unsure if i am on the right track