the letting go

[foxface]

I believe I've dated 3 borderlines. Somewhere on the spectrum, perhaps the last one was a narcissist of some sorts.

Now at this point in my life, at 39, I realize so much:

I didn't just have dumb luck. I have issues that brought me to them, them to me.
Some of these issues I have carry symptoms relative to borderline such as fear of abandonment, impulsivity, idealization.
I realize I must have felt devalued as a child and associate pain with love.
I realize I feel I must be the fixer and I'm not some angel baby, there is selfish manipulation here, I want to fix her to make this relationship easier for me. There is gray area. Though she won't accept her role, I can never expect that, and it won't get me anywhere.
I realize she blamed me and I blamed me.
She did love me but will forget me doubly fast.
I had to document all of the ___ty things she said to me, as many as I could remember, not to resent, but to not gaslight myself as she most certainly did.
I've never experienced projection to this extent and now I understand 'crazy making.' I guess it matters not if she doesn't know she's doing it (BPD) or if she gets off on it (NPD.)
I realize I was miserable often when with her and how isolating so much felt.
I realize I have to be alone, and not be a serial monogamous, I realize I have to be secure being alone. I don't even know what my journey will entail but I appreciate these experiences have shifted me forward into having an opportunity to grow.
I only sorta reached out once since our last breakup. I facebook messaged her 'I was having all of these vidid dreams about you, I hope you're well' then deactivated my facebook.  Perhaps she didn't get it.  Anyway, not reaching out has made me feel so much better about myself while putting this relationship in a more objective or at least less emotional perspective. [/li][/list]

I hope 2016 is the year for me to, in some zen sense, give up control and accept we don't always see closure and cannot accept it: 
After having someone stomp on my windshield and crash it in, sure wondering if she had anything to do with it but truly doubting it.
Watching my dog get attacked and the other owner getting away.
Going through this heart wrenching breakup three times after so many blissful times together, immediately following my separation from my wife. I will not get closure. She is doing me a favor. I must accept the unknown, what's out of my control and how to let it rest, etc, so:

WHEN CAN I STOP OBSESSING?
I sit and don't choose to fantasize about our rekindling but I do. I fantasize we will hold hands again like it was unlike anything else I will ever experience. I am so hard on myself at this moment and the truth is, no matter what I've told friends and myself, I don't want to let her go. I don't think we belong together. I care none at all about any other men she may be with. I truly believe we have a special connection. I want her in my life though I told her when she broke it off last time that I wouldn't know her anymore.

[Ahoy]

WHEN CAN I STOP OBSESSING?
I sit and don't choose to fantasize about our rekindling but I do. I fantasize we will hold hands again like it was unlike anything else I will ever experience. I am so hard on myself at this moment and the truth is, no matter what I've told friends and myself, I don't want to let her go. I don't think we belong together. I care none at all about any other men she may be with. I truly believe we have a special connection. I want her in my life though I told her when she broke it off last time that I wouldn't know her anymore.

SO I'm a bit over 9 months out of my separation from my ex-wife. Being busy helps but thoughts of her still invade my thoughts every day. I don't dream about her as much. I too know I don't belong with her.

I have started dating, just a little, I know I can handle a relationship again, albeit nothing rushed or crazy like a BPD one... .but I know I'm still finding the answer to happiness by myself. I'm still working out how to fill the hole that my BPD r/s left in me.

More to the point this r/s made me realise I had a hole in the first place, and now the band-aid has been ripped away, I'm not done processing the hurt and loss enough to fully work on this.

It's a bloody long process. I like a lot of your comments tho, I think you are attacking this with the right mindset and my strongest suggestion (if you haven't already) is to start sessions with a therapist to help you process your thoughts.

Mate I wish you all the best with your recovery. You have found a great community here =)

[heartandwhole]

Hi foxface,

I'd like to join    Ahoy in welcoming you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how devastating it can feel. Letting go can be very, very hard. It certainly was for me. You've come to the right place for support. The members here understand and have been where you are. It's a tough road to recovery, but things really DO get better. They have for me, and they can for you, too. 

How long were you in your last relationship, foxface? What happened to bring you here? It helps to tell your story, especially to people who understand.

When I first came here, I was reeling from the pain of loss and the confusion of trying to process what had just happened to me. I've since learned so much about myself and also BPD. It sounds like you have also been reflecting on your issues. That is great. It will take you far into your recovery and then on to thriving again. The obsessive thoughts will linger a while. If you can, try to "zoom out" and stand back from them a bit. We can become so attached to thoughts and beliefs, and that causes even more suffering, in my view.

Here is an article that really helped me make sense of my breakup and the aftermath:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have time to read it, let us know what you think.

Hang in there, foxface, and keep writing. We're here for you.

heartandwhole