New-wife of husband with BPD

[Ilovemyhusband]

I've been married for nine years and we have two children together. I have a daughter from a previous relationship as well. I came to the realization recently that my husband has BPD or at least a lot of the traits. Very black/white stubborn. Always turned things around and made them my fault. I first came across what a sociopath is... .and there are a lot of similarities. No empathy... .I started to feel like maybe I was goin crazy, maybe I am the problem... .maybe it is all me.

My husband had a bad childhood. He was beaten by his dad and was treated like the blacksheep in his family. His mom stayed and let everything happen. My husband doesn't speak to his family at all. It's been 10 years.

Because of his childhood I knew he was closed off felt abandoned and didn't trust anyone. He would tell me often that he doesn't trust me or anyone. I never did anything to break his trust. He did however have an affair with a coworker 18 years older than him. When this happened (3years ago) I was I. Complete shock. I never expected this from him. He blamed it on me. My husband isn't suicide, he doesn't hurt himself, and he doesn't drink or do drugs... .he never has. I was the 2nd person he had ever been with. With our relationship i feel like we are either really good or really bad. No in between, there's the black/white perspective. My husband will give me the silent treatment for days, and Jen knows just what to say to use my buttons. He knows just how to hurt me.

My husband has been seeing a counselor. He didn't tell me he was but left the appointment car in his truck dash as a reminder. I didkt know if I
Should say something or not. Does he want me to know or not. I wait. While maybe months. I tell him I'm glad he is talking to Christine again later as he gets in a fight with me he goes off about how if he wanted me to know he would have told me... .anyway later Christine asks him if I need anyone to talk to and that if he doesn't mind I can talk to her. So I set up and appointment. She is trying to help me and asks me to try not to take things personally because it isn't about me. That he is hurting so much and is like a trapped little boy inSide with the exterior of this tough guy who has a persona of how good he is and how he is always right. After another episode of a freak out that I can't understand I start doing more research and come across BPD... .this is it, this is my hUsband. I call our counselor and tell he what I think. She agrees. At his next appointment she didn't tell him he has BPD, but she tells him she wants him to think about a therapy Called dbt, that because he has so much anger inside that she feels this would benefit him. He says he will think about it. The next appt he agrees to set up an appointment with a dbt therapist... .keep in mind he doesn't know that I know any of these things. Since my realization of his bod I have purchased several books to help me understand... .

He starts telling me tonight... .that Christine had him see this other person about dbt... .said he didn't know much about it but started to open up about some of the session! Super excited that he told me, he met me in. There is hope!

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[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

There indeed is hope! It's great that your husband wants to attend therapy.

While he works on himself, there are also a few things YOU can do to help him and your relationship as well. I recommend books such as "Stop walking on eggshells" and "the high conflict couple". The ways to improve the relationship will come down to 3 main things:
 - learn how to talk to him in a validating manner. This will lessen his "rages".
 - learn how to set boundaries to protect yourself. This requires confidence, and determination.
 - learn how to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.

Keep posting and good luck!

[Mutt]

Hi Ilovemyhusband,

That he is hurting so much and is like a trapped little boy inSide with the exterior of this tough guy who has a persona of how good he is and how he is always right.

I think's a pretty good description of BPD. A pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the age of a young child and the person can't regulate their emotions or self sooth.  I'd like to echo ArleighBurke, a pwBPD need a lot of validation because they feel alot of shame, self loathe, have low self esteem and are hyper-sensitive, anything negative perceived or real about them, they'll project or blame others. It can incredibly frustrating and emotionally exhausting when you're on the receiving of that, it helps to understand why he behaves the way that does and that it's not personal to you, he has a lot going on inside, you can make a goal to become indifferent to his behaviors.

That is good news that your H is getting therapy and I'm also happy to hear that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you support. How is your support system in real life?

[jonquiljo99]

There is hope!

Yes, there is hope - sometimes there is more hope than other times.  You sound very very committed to your marriage. That is good, because there will be times that will be wonderful and there are times that will be not so good.

I think I am not well versed in the acronyms used here - and they tend to be different from place to place where people talk. Excuse me, but I am not sure what "pwBPD" means.


Regardless, DBT can be very effective.  But it helps if the person with BPD is very receptive to it. Some are, some aren't - and it sounds like your husband is in the "appropriate" category.  That says a lot about his counselor - they sound like they are very good at this...   I've known people who had a SO with BPD and the BPD goes to a therapist and is immediately diagnosed and told to enter a DBT program.  THe BPD freaks and dumps the therapist and it is actually negative progress.  But it sounds like your husband is handling it well and has someone to help him that can handle it well.

Please take time for yourself.  Yes, that is cliche - but it is true.  It's very easy to get wrapped up in their life over the years so much that you lose yours.  It isn't good for you, and it isn't good for him.  But I will admit that it is tricky walking that tightrope of what is appropriate to say and not.  When people go the "stop walking on eggshells" route (not that I disagree with the concept), it is so easy to try to work with the person, that you lose perspective of how a relationship can be or should be.  It's hard to be "on guard" all the time, watching what you say or do all the time. Boy, it's very hard to always communicate in that "perfect" way.  Sometimes you trip up out of exhaustion.

Well, I'm very happy for you that your husband is getting therapy. I've been out of communication for a whole about these things, but not too long ago, BPD SO's that went to therapy willingly are rare.  So yeah - you've got a good start.  I hope it goes well.