Possibly Good? Just confused...

[obliv326]

Hey,

So I've started a few topics here, and the board has been a HUGE help... .Really, the ONLY help I've been able to rely on for feedback, so thank you.

Long story short, I had a tough relationship with someone I believe to  be pwBPD... .It eventually led to a point where she wanted "space"... .

5 months later, she reaches out. We have a few nice interactions, and then she kind of disappeared for a bit. Last week I sent her a birthday message, and we talked a bit. It seemed that she was having a great deal of stress, and the day after we talked, her car broke down, so she has been having a really tough time. I did my best to validate and support, and when possible bring something light hearted and pleasant to the conversation. I wrote her a longish text that was the kind of thing she always seemed to enjoy reading. I haven't heard back, but that is because on the weekends she gets a bit self destructive. Specifically, she goes to certain clubs and engages in rather extreme sexual behavior. I figured this weekend would be pretty rough for her and expected it, more or less.

My question is... .Do I just wait for her to write back and let her reach out to me? I am tempted to send her a message saying that I hope everything is okay and that I am thinking about her, and I'm more than happy to help if she needs it... .But I am absolutely confused about triggering. She is triggered by emotion... .sometimes. For example, last week I told her that I cared about her in the birthday message, and she said she appreciated and needed the smile. Other times she told me that something I did made her feel thought of and cared for... .But then at other times, she begged me to stop and would go silent or avoid me after saying something similar. I am torn as to whether telling her that she is cared for would be something that would help her, because it does seem to be something that she wants, but at the same time I don't want to be a trigger for her, because before I knew she was pwBPD, I am certain I became a trigger for that kind of emotion.

I don't want to screw this up. I don't want her to vanish for several months again either... .And I think that ultimately the sexual acting out is part of a cycle that does damage to her. I know I can't fix any of this, but I am also pretty sure I'm the only person who has ever shown her that kind of affection. And I don't think she's ever been diagnosed officially with BPD, so I feel like I have an opportunity to really help her IF I can regain her trust enough to be someone who she will listen to... .Not to mention that I care very deeply for her. Of course I would do anything to help her. I just don't know what to do, specifically... .I know the general advice given here... .Validate, avoid JADE, have boundaries... .I think I was getting close to being that for her before, but I didn't know she was a pwBPD and did some things that caused her to stop trusting me with her feelings (No lying or real betrayal, but getting angry bc of her behavior). I want to do everything I can to help the relationship, because beyond being a pwBPD, she is an amazing, talented, intelligent, beautiful human being, and I fear that BPD will keep her from ever believing that... .

In a way, I consider myself really lucky, because I did find out about BPD and ways to possibly deal with it, and even though it is tentative, she has reached out and we have some kind of connection happening... .At least some part of her wants to be with me. Unfortunately, she is relying much more on acting out sexually to get her needs met right now. But I know that she would really want someone who wants to be with her for her personality, and  she says she doesn't feel like she's ever had that. And that is the part of her I find the most beautiful.

I could go on all night. But my question is really how I get across my affection and feelings for a person who gets triggered and suffers anxiety attacks when she is told things like that? How do I become appealing when my rival isn't so much a person but the allure of the extreme behavior in the clubs and the instant gratification she gets there? It feels like I have a thousand ways to screw things up, while there is almost nothing the club could do to tarnish its allure... .No matter what, she will get immediate attention, validation, and acceptance there. Even if one person disappoints her, there will be a line to take their place, and a constant influx of new people to provide that attention and validation.

What I offer is obviously different, and she has admitted that while she's never had it, she has been missing out on something really great. She wants that relationship, but at the same time it terrifies her... .More than likely even when things go as well and we have a good night and our bond grows, that very thing will scare her, and she'll act out and run right back there.

So while I feel hopeful and excited about the possibility of getting another chance with someone I care about, I am also nervous because I feel like the ground around me is littered with landmines I can't see... .and even doing the right thing could set one off.  And I am try to succeed against an enemy that is not only going to deliver what she wants in an immediate sense, but is also extremely damaging in the long run... .

And I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, and that it's not my job to fix her, etc. I've heard this, and know this. Technically, I don't think I am trying to fix her. It's just that, so early on in what might be a second chance, I'm sure it won't take much to have her remember how she felt about me when I caused her to trigger, and that seems to limit what I can say. I mean, even just asking straight up questions did it.

So I don't know how to proceed in many ways. The only thing that seems safe is to make jokes and be fun... .And that's fine most of the time, but... sigh.

If anyone can help me, please do. And for the record, I spent the intervening months improving myself. I changed myself a lot... for the better. I dated a lot, with attractive women, and felt nothing for any of them (I was told by 4 separate women that they loved me in the past 6 months. The key seems to be to not feel anything for them, which almost convinces me that life is just a cruel hoax). I've done my work and I'll keep doing it... .But I also realize that getting past her was going to be hard as hell, which makes this chance even bigger. But my point is please don't tell me to work on myself. That is the fallback position for a lot of people here sometimes. The advice is appreciated and well taken, and I have done it. In this particular instance, I am in a position where I am having to deal with someone whose thought processes are alien to me, and the more I can understand the more I will be able to give her the support and validation she needs. In this case it is external. So that is all I ask on that front.

Regardless... .Thank you in advance. This board has been such a huge help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[patientandclear]

I think a mistake many (including me) make in your situation is in thinking that because she likes your current arrangement, she will like and want something quite different (a monogamous real r/ship). There's zero evidence of that being the case.

I think that means you ARE trying to change and fix her. That rarely goes well.

This is who she is and what she does. Of course, it's awesome to have some admiring and non-judgmental connection with you as well. Are you content with that arrangement? Because it may never be otherwise.

[obliv326]

Well, no. I wouldn't be okay with that. But I'm also kind of aware of this being a possibility. My goal with that was going to be to give her a couple weeks to feel comfortable with our communication and to see that I am not engaging in the stuff I had been before. Then I would let her know that the current situation/last one weren't going to work for me. I was going to DEARMAN her, and if she chose to keep things the way they are, then I would let her know that I care about her a lot but I can't be in that kind of a relationship with her, and I would walk.

It would hurt and suck, but I've been in that situation before and I know I'll live.

I don't think she's put thought into the idea of keeping me at any specific level, and she has said that she would consider a relationship with me down the line (said this as she was ending things) so she'll have to consider whether what I'm wanting is worth losing me forever for. And it won't be that I demand we become a monogamous couple. It will be more like, for example, less communication via text and more via phone. Baby steps. I'm hoping as that progresses she'll get more comfortable.

And actually, I am very much looking forward to taking some ownership on that one. I let her determine some things about the relationship before because she said she needed to move slowly. So I let her... .And then couldn't get out of prison! I'll relish that... .

So I guess I'm trying to change her in a way, but it's also a boundary thing... .I'm not going to be a friend and I'm not going to be someone who isn't a priority