Bruised & broken heart

[FallBack!Monster]

Not too long ago it didn't feel like I could get pass the anger and animosity.  I even took my anger out on people that were obviously trying to tell me something. But when im angry  it's like I cannot hear or understand anything. All I truly know is that I don't like the way I feel. I want the anger to go away. My dealings with the person I was seeing left me a bit broken. I wanted to repair. I didn't want to miss her. I didn't want to hear anyone tell me what I was feeling. I wanted pay back and that's all. How stupid that all seem now. My life is going forward yes but why do I still think about her?  No specifics. It's as if she won't leave my head completely.  Weird bc there are items around my house that reminded me of her. Now I look at them an feel Accomplished when I realize no meaning or triggers. But why doe's she keep showing in my thoughts?  Life has changed for me. I feel it. I'm alive again. I m opened for dating again. Last one was a rebound. We both knew it. So why do I think about her? It's not what I do once I'm done with anything. I like new beginnings so I know how ow to move pass the past. and what else can I do to change those thoughts? This is not about my ex lover so pls don't make it about her.

Thanks

[CollateralDamage]

This is just my opinion, but I have the same issue with her in my head even after a year. My theory is that we nons actually teach ourselves that this person equates to happiness, pleasure etc. This forms a chemical composition pattern in our minds that triggers when we think of them.  Think of it like a form of chemical dependency, where the body craves something that causes these chemicals to release.  When we can't get that relief, the body shouts louder and louder.  Just a thought, but it really helped me understand that I was like like a lab rat in her maze.  But this maze had no exit and the scent of cheese, but nothing was there.  Maddening, but almost point on.

[FallBack!Monster]

Just a thought, but it really helped me understand that I was like like a lab rat in her maze.  But this maze had no exit and the scent of cheese, but nothing was there.  Maddening, but almost point on.

First off, ouch! But views accepted. However, if i may say, i don't think you should think of yourself as that insignificant.  Her actions have no bearing on my value.  I still believe I am an amazing person.  I also don't believe she meant to hurt me. I don't think she gives others that much thought, to be honest.  I Even if that’s what she thought of me. Whether intentions were just for a season and I believed it to be for a reason.  I’m no lab rat.  Anyway, I appreciate your reply and do really want to hear other peoples thought on it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Back2Me, Well, I doubt the anger's going to go away all by itself, without some processing on your part.  How do you process it?  That's up to you, of course, but here are some suggestions: talk to a close friend, family member or therapist about it; write about it in a journal; just sit with your feelings and observe; acknowledge the feelings when they come up, rather than ignoring them; practice mindfulness, etc.  You get the idea.  Usually underneath anger is pain and/or hurt.  Do you think that could apply to your anger?  Worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

[VitaminC]

Not too long ago it didn't feel like I could get pass the anger and animosity.  All I truly know is that I don't like the way I feel. I want the anger to go away.

... .How stupid that all seem now. My life is going forward yes but why do I still think about her? 

... .It's as if she won't leave my head completely.  Weird bc there are items around my house that reminded me of her. Now I look at them an feel Accomplished when I realize no meaning or triggers.

... .But why doe's she keep showing in my thoughts? 

I like new beginnings so I know how to move pass the past. and what else can I do to change those thoughts? This is not about my ex lover so pls don't make it about her.

There's a contradiction there, Back2Me16. You say that you are angry and want it to go away and that you know how to move past the past. The two things are not really compatible.

Anger has its place and its time. So does sadness, which often follows it. If we don't let ourselves, our emotions, go through their process - some part of it will remain in our memories and hold us back or twitch us back every now and again.

You say "no meaning", "no triggers". How do you define meaning and triggers? By their emotional impact? If whatever items in your house do not give you any emotional jolt, then well and good.

Another thing is that thoughts, like many other things, can become habits. So, while I was out of the country recently for a couple of weeks, I found that my exBPD left my mind completely. I only noticed it after a week or so. I then experimentally thought about him - to see what would happen - and found that, wow, nothing did. It didn't matter to me anymore! I pronounced myself "cured"

When I got back home, I realised I thought about him again. Without any emotion -  he would just pop into my head at certain times. I noticed that the times were when I had previously most often thought of him. Driving around a certain bend in my car, running to my local shop, climbing a set of stairs in a particular building - you get the idea. It was, I realised, a habit of mind, that's all. It's lessened even more now and will eventually just dissipate entirely.

That would be my own experience and views on the matter.

[FallBack!Monster]

VitaminC, yes that might be it I'm doing it out of habit. Maybe. That makes sense.

To be more clearer...   what I attempted to say is that i no longer feel that anger towards anything that has to do with her. That'y why I said it all seem so stupid now. Which is why I am confused as to why I'm still thinking about her. I do sometimes feel old feelings come back when im in certain places but for now I have chosen to avoid them until I can create new or better memories. Bad feelings. That's what ive chosen to do for the time being. The one thing that I feel keeps her popping up in my head is my bed. As funny as that sounds, we spent a lot of time in it; watching TV & sleeping. I've bought new sheets made small changes, etc. Even considered moving but I want to move when im ready and not just bc I can't stop thinking about that experience. It's just weird to me that I think of her and I shouldn't be. So I came back  here to ask for some perspective.

The question is how do I get rid of my new annoying habit? I know I've come along way from all the emotions i was dealing with during that whole time. I'm feeling fine compare to when we first parted. . But I feel dissatisfied with what I'm now calling obssessive thoughts about someone that I never knew. At least that's how I feel. Dam that BPD fever.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Back2-

My life is going forward yes but why do I still think about her?  No specifics. It's as if she won't leave my head completely.

I don't know your whole story Back, but you likely had a loaded emotional bond with her and were deeply emotionally enmeshed, and that kind of thing does a number on our psyche which takes a while to rewire.  Plus, anger is a normal response to abuse and disrespect, and is also a stage of grieving, so maybe the goal isn't to not think about her, but think about her differently as you process the relationship?

I like new beginnings so I know how ow to move pass the past. and what else can I do to change those thoughts?

And that's the key.  As you consciously shift your focus from your ex to you and from the past to the future, the thoughts just fade, but you get to keep the lessons, and maybe even end up feeling some compassion for your ex, which is still a thought but it sits more peacefully in your psyche; these relationships are intense, and we hold onto things that were emotionally intense, they leave lasting impressions.  And the way to hasten the focus shift to your future is to develop a compelling vision for it, and then make it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And you might be going on faith initially, but after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and although the vision is the destination, the journey is your life, and if you live it all-in with passion you'll look back one day and realize how far you've come, sure, but also realize you haven't thought about your ex for a while, and now that you do, the memories don't invoke strong emotion, pretty neutral and tame really.  And then you are free.  

[FallBack!Monster]

fromheeltoheal, that is helpful information. Almost poetic. I believe I am going in that dirrection. I find myself thinking of things I couldn't even reach to think about let's say a few months ago. I was hoping for a peaceful talk before total separation but that was then. Then I feel bad for me. Then bad for her bc how I came down on her. Now I don't feel any of that. I no longer feel bad for myself. I find myself thinking of what I would like to find out about or do during the weekend, "i i i" and less she she she.  About the emotional bond. I know longer like to live there but since it was mentioned I will. Now that you bring it up I did live that fantastic fantasy until just recently to be honest. I didn't want to accept that we didn't. The moment I admitted to myself and realized that it wasn't that for her only in my head, I felt free. What brought me to that realization was this. We don't form an emotional bond with every partner. If our r/s had been any different to her than all the others, things would have turned out differently.  Except for the ones that leave doors open, she has treated all the same.  I held on to those feelings longer than I should have bc of the elusion our emotional bond. Never existed. Only for me. Then I released her from responsibility.  However she comes to mind way too often. Almost daily.  When that goes then I'm good. Oh and I don't want to have sympathy, empathy, animosities, thoughts of or nothing towards her.  That's how I usually am when im cured from a bad experience.  That's why I'm here. Hoping all who can can help me not think.