Tired and not sure what to do anymore..

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello Everyone! I've never posted in a forum but am desperately needing some advice on what to do with my 19 year old daughter with BPD. I feel like she's trying to kill me mentally, I hate to say that but it's really how I feel. She is married and now pregnant, her husband had a job but lost it due to no  transportation. We have done everything we can to help them and it's never enough! We loaned them a car so he could get back and forth to work and he never checked the oil so now it's ruined. We've helped them get into a very small efficiency to where they should be able to afford it and that's not good enough for her, she doesn't appreciate anything we do, she says she does at times but later the same day or the next... She's telling me that she never gets to see me and that I'm not a very good mother and it goes on and on! Sometimes she'll have raging episodes that have basically traumatized me by seeing her act that way. Usually these episodes happen when she don't get her way or they don't have any money for her to blow on clothes or makeup or whatever else. She's asked me numerous times if they could stay with us till they get on their feet, sorry but there's no way I can let that happen. Her being pregnant has depressed me even more, they definitely are not mature enough for a child and what happens if she has a fit around the baby? She mentally abuses me just like her biological father did, I've been with my present husband for 17 years now, she was only 2 at the time and my husband has loved both my girls as his own and I love his two children. All of them are grown now but this one, I've had to baker act her for threatening suicide and cutting herself. This has been going on for about 4 years but worse the last few years. I've tried setting boundaries but then she has a way of making me feel guilty and I give in. We will probably have to pay their rent that's due the first and I'm just sick of it all! She was going to counseling and tried a few diff meds but said they don't work. She blames everyone for the problems that she creates herself. I am just so tired of this roller coaster of emotions, I'm drained and don't know what to do anymore. I feel like running away with my husband to a deserted island somewhere. I would appreciate any advice you all can give me and thank you for taking the time to read all this.

[Becca69]

Hello Everyone! I've never posted in a forum but am desperately needing some advice on what to do with my 19 year old daughter with BPD. I feel like she's trying to kill me mentally, I hate to say that but it's really how I feel. She is married and now pregnant, her husband had a job but lost it due to no  transportation. We have done everything we can to help them and it's never enough! We loaned them a car so he could get back and forth to work and he never checked the oil so now it's ruined. We've helped them get into a very small efficiency to where they should be able to afford it and that's not good enough for her, she doesn't appreciate anything we do, she says she does at times but later the same day or the next... She's telling me that she never gets to see me and that I'm not a very good mother and it goes on and on! Sometimes she'll have raging episodes that have basically traumatized me by seeing her act that way. Usually these episodes happen when she don't get her way or they don't have any money for her to blow on clothes or makeup or whatever else. She's asked me numerous times if they could stay with us till they get on their feet, sorry but there's no way I can let that happen. Her being pregnant has depressed me even more, they definitely are not mature enough for a child and what happens if she has a fit around the baby? She mentally abuses me just like her biological father did, I've been with my present husband for 17 years now, she was only 2 at the time and my husband has loved both my girls as his own and I love his two children. All of them are grown now but this one, I've had to baker act her for threatening suicide and cutting herself. This has been going on for about 4 years but worse the last few years. I've tried setting boundaries but then she has a way of making me feel guilty and I give in. We will probably have to pay their rent that's due the first and I'm just sick of it all! She was going to counseling and tried a few diff meds but said they don't work. She blames everyone for the problems that she creates herself. I am just so tired of this roller coaster of emotions, I'm drained and don't know what to do anymore. I feel like running away with my husband to a deserted island somewhere. I would appreciate any advice you all can give me and thank you for taking the time to read all this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Becca69,

Sometimes we have to say hard things about how we feel, even (especially?) when it's about someone we love. It doesn't mean we don't love them, only that we want to feel safe and at peace, and that is not easy with kids who have mental illnesses.

Do you have a therapist for support? Having boundaries, consistent boundaries, is the hardest thing I think I've ever done. It also took me many attempts at self-care before I learned what kind of real effort was involved. And I resisted practicing mindfulness until living with my SO's D19 this last summer, and realized I had to create that zone of self-care for myself because no one else would give it to me otherwise, D19 least of all.

One thing I learned (the hard way) is that D19 needed soo much, but then resented being treated like she could not do things on her own. There are communication skills that can help validate feelings while putting responsibility back on their shoulders.

It will be harder than normal for you because your daughter is pregnant and there is an innocent life involved. Others here have walked the same path, and know your pain. You are not alone 

LnL

LnL

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi Becca,
I echo what livednlearned is saying. My BPD daughter is 23 and got married in December, had a baby in January. At the time they were living 3 hours away in an apartment my husband and I paid for, near her husband's family. We couldn't really afford to pay all their bills, car expenses, car insurance, etc, but I didn't want them living with us, and his mother shared a small trailer  home with her sister.
Fast forward, baby is born in January, and the kids keep hitting us up for money for this & that emergency. Then the 3 of them keep showing up at my door, & I couldn't figure out why. Turns out they were addicted to heroin & the supply dried up in the more remote area where they lived.
We felt we had no choice but to take them in because of the baby, who was definitely at risk of neglect. We've pushed them into numerous detox, rehab, etc.
My therapist has saved my life throughout this. Boundaries are CRITICAL to your own self-care & survival. You need help to manage this difficult situation and when that baby is born you will fall in love and that will be the most important thing. It's a game changer that complicates everything so much.
When I started with this therapist I really felt as though I was suffering from PTSD. Years of abuse, running away, drug use, school problems, multiple hospitalizations. I'm doing so much better. I can sleep, laugh, and even push it out of my mind for hours at a time.
Take care of yourself first. You absolutely cannot be of any use to anyone else if you aren't caring for yourself. Good luck. It's a long road.