Daughter-In-Law with BPD

[Doogiedawn]

My son and his BPD(unofficial) wife have a child that is under a year old and they are about to start going through a divorce.  She has already contacted his boss and called the police on him twice, accusing him of physical abuse and child pornography. The police were very rude to him an assumed the child pornography accusation was true.  She is refusing to let him see his child even though he has every right. He loves his child very much and does not want to lose the child.  He is trying to find a good lawyer in the Houston Texas area.  Do you have any suggestions of good lawyers for this type of situation? 

[Panda39]

Hi Doodiedawn,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I don't have a lawyer recommendation for you but did want to recommend a book... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger

My SO (significant other) found it helpful when divorcing his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD exwife). 

In terms of a lawyer I would suggest interviewing several.  Ask if they have had many "high conflict" cases, ask how they would handle your son's particular situation so you can get a feel for them. 

You can also read some of the past posts on this board relating to what kinds of questions to ask an attorney.

Unfortunately, the false allegations your stbxdil (soon to be ex daughter in law) is making are not uncommon among some of the members here.  It is important that he protect himself.

He should document his interactions with her, one way many of us have found to do this is communicate only through e-mail and only communicate on topics relating to their child (because she will try to engage your son in a lot of drama).  If the email is not about their child he does not need to respond to it and if it's a bunch of garbage... .like he's a bad dad he definitely should not respond.  Email slows down the interaction so you can think and not just give a knee jerk response.

If he does get some visitation with their child I would suggest filming the visit because anytime he has their child will be another opportunity to make false allegations.

I hope he has already talked with his boss and given him a heads up that he is involved in a high conflict divorce.  I have always made sure that my boss and co-workers are well aware of my SO's uBPDxw and her issues should she make any false allegations about me.

I'm really glad you've found us and know that other members will be responding soon.  I know you will find a lot of good advice from the members here many have gone through what your son is going through now. 

Your son is lucky to have your support 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Panshekay]

I agree with Panda.  This sight has tons of information on it.  Get the book Splitting, it has helped my son very much.  I am sorry your son is going through this.  I know how difficult it is.  Have him document everything and try to do everything by text so he has that as well.  Documentation is they key to everything as well as having a "witness" with him when he has his son if possible.  Sometimes even when you do everything right it still goes wrong, but at least you know that you have done everything you can to fight for your child.  I'm going through the same thing with my son, my grandson is 6.  It is a living hell but from all the reading I have done I find hope.  There are great people here that have been to hell and back with great advice.  GOD Bless.

[ForeverDad]

He had better be careful that she hasn't planted or doesn't plant false evidence on his computer or one jointly used in the past.

Police, children's services workers and other professionals ought to be familiar with the possibilities of wild allegations (common) or planted evidence to frame the target for misdeeds (probably less common).  The problem is twofold.

First, the professionals have to accept the allegations until they can determine whether they have any basis.  Your goal is to keep the limited or blocked time as short as possible.  More likely outcomes are 'substantiated' or 'unsubstantiated'.  Founded or unfounded (I think?) are up to a judge to declare as the findings of the court.  We're not lawyers here, but as peer support we do have a wealth of collective experience to share.  Courts and most other professionals prefer to be understated, avoiding 'false' or 'lies'.  That can frustrate us since common sense tells us to call a lie a lie.

Second, we're the ones facing wild allegations which causes the professionals to overreact.  The 'temporary' orders can block us from the children until investigations or evaluations can be completed.  Also, if there are no orders then often the parent in possession gets to keep possession.  Yep, especially when the children are always with the other parent or negative advocates, such as children too young for neutral places like school, the old saying "possession is 99% of the law" comes to mind.  When we are blocked from parenting time or exchanges and the police are called, they typically decline to intervene, asking the parents to resolve their disputes in court.  Their primary goal is simply to defuse the immediate incident.

I recall a decade ago when we separated.  My Ex didn't work and our preschooler was with her all the time.  There was a period of about 3 months between orders when I didn't see my son.  Even my calls went unanswered or were hung up on once she discerned it was me.  It was the worst time of my life, but I got through it.  I recall calling the police to accompany me to see my son and they refused saying I needed to have written court order in hand first.  I then asked what would happen if I knocked on her door to see him and she call the police.  The prompt reply was that they would come rushing without delay.  Since I didn't want to risk arrest, as she would surely attempt, I had to Let It Go and wait for the scheduled court hearing.  Three months!  And when we did get to court and the magistrate confirmed from her that she really had had blocked all father-child contact for 3 months, he only said, "I'll fix that" and resumed the prior temp order on almost identical terms.  He wasn't fazed.  He didn't grant me make up time.  Nor did he lecture her, nor even wag a finger at her.

So if she's refusing to exchange the children, all too common for us when there are no orders, the solution is to get it handled in court.  That can take weeks, a couple months or even longer before you can get a court to order a parenting schedule.  A truism here is that we generally will get more from court than any crumbs offered in a mediation or settlement conference.  For that reason, don't set high hopes on mediation, you may have to try but don't settle for the offered crumbs.  A general rule of thumb is that an Ex is too entitled to be reasonable in mediation, though maybe something can work out closer to a major hearing or trial.  Yes, even our cases can settle but generally not early in a case.

Court is glacially slow, sad if we're the ones unfairly disadvantaged.  Court is a judicial system, not a justice system.  Learn how the process works so you know how best to present your case and not set your hopes too high.  That doesn't mean you don't seek as much as reasonably possible.  Here's an example.  Your stbEx says she must have 99% parenting time and you stuck as every other weekend (EOW) dad at best or even shackled with supervised visitation.  (Note: Supervised is only valid for one scenario, if there is some validated concern or risk of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.)  You speak up and say, politely and reasonably, I want equal time.  Well, there's high risk the judge could (1) default to Mother becoming Primary Parent with majority time or (2) the judge splits the difference (halfway between 99% versus equal time) and Mother still becomes Primary Parent with majority time.  The point is that if only one parent is reasonable and conservative in requests, then the other will probably steamroller the proceedings, especially at first when the court doesn't know who to believe.

Granted, things aren't that simple in life or in court but that's a mindset you can encounter.  You will need to be assertive for yourself and speak out primarily for your children's best interests and secondly your best interests.  Also, select the right sort of family law attorney.  You're in for unnecessary frustration if you choose one who is only a forms filer and hand holder who only handles settlements.  You need a proactive, assertive, problem solving lawyer who has solid strategies and will fight for you, especially when you need to go to court.

In time the court should be able to discern the difference between the litigants, that one is a complainer and unreasonable, even obstructive, and the other is focused on the children's welfare and best interests and keeps looking for solutions rather than roadblocks.  Sadly, it takes time to get there.