Replacement painted black?

[Work it out]

Hi, I am in the process of detaching(still) from a long distance "relationship". I'm feeling stronger and stronger each day with my lc. My question is, my replacement, seems to be painted black all the time. I've read many times how the new person in the Bpd's life is perfect, so much better for them etc. My situation is the complete opposite. The replacement seems to be causing many issues, problems. Like my ex is only with them because she wants a relationship(we live in different states). I am high on a pedestal at the moment. I told her I didn't want to know anything about how her personal life was going. We don't speak on a regular basis and if she texts I respond in a very brief manner. Has anyone else had this experience where you are painted white and the replacement is painted black?
On a positive note, she is in therapy and each interaction we've had since August have been good. Not getting my hopes up to reconcile, but I am happy she's getting help as it's something I've encouraged for 1 1/2 years.

[rfriesen]

Hi Work it out,

I'm feeling stronger and stronger each day with my lc

Good for you! As you say, it's a process and the best we can do is make steady progress where we can, and pick ourselves up when we have a setback.

My question is, my replacement, seems to be painted black all the time. I've read many times how the new person in the Bpd's life is perfect, so much better for them etc.

A new person will typically go through a period of idealization (which is normal, to some extent, in all romantic relationships), but a pwBPD will tend to struggle with reality when it clashes with that idealization (which can be intense in a BPD relationship). It's not uncommon for a pwBPD to then reach out to an ex to seek validation (triangulation) of their sudden negative feelings for the new person, or to see whether the old connection is still in place (given the felt threat to the new connection).

My ex has often reached out over the eight months since we finally ended things, and she often complains about the people she's dated since, saying no one "gets her" the way I did, or laughs with her as much as I did, etc. You'll have to judge your own situation for yourself, of course, but it can be important to take all those kinds of statements with a grain (or truckload) of salt. pwBPD tend to be extremely in tune with what you need to hear to feel validated and loved and understood, when they're trying to establish a connection. It comes from their desperation to find a connection. How many other guys does my ex say these things to? I try not to even go there, because I have no way of knowing and any answer I come up with is disturbing in one way or another. Just me? Then I feel myself sucked back into thinking how special our connection was. Many others? Then I feel the old drama and jealousy and mind-games coming on.

With that said, what do you hope to gain by finding an answer to your question? Does it matter why your ex is painting her new person black to you, or to others? How does it make you feel to be "high on a pedestal at the moment"? You say you're not getting your hopes up to reconcile ... .but do you want to reconcile if that's offered to you?

[Work it out]

Rfriesen, you ask a lot of great questions I'm trying to find the answer to. In answer to the question of how I feel being on the pedestal? I used to love it. Now I just tell a good friend, "I couldn't be more high on a pedestal than I am right now". And yes, I do wonder how many other people the ex has said the same things to. Probably don't want the answer. I did realize the triangulation crap going on right away. Now I've chosen not to participate in any of it. I do not engage in any arguments. I just calmly say, " I'm not going to argue with you about this". I feel like an expert on Bpd at this point. And if my daughter, age 22, came to me with any one of the situations I have been in, I'd tell her to get out as fast as she can. But alas, we are very good at helping others and neglecting ourselves. I know exactly what she's doing and yet cannot disengage.
And wow, my ex has said the exact same things, no one gets her like I do, or has as much fun with. It's very predictable that I've taken a step back.