My wife left the family home 2 weeks ago and is staying at her younger sisters .

[Busy bee]

Background :
About a week ago I learnt of the existence of BPD , in the 18 years of our marriage it was a breath of fresh air that I have now found a medical term fitting my wife's personality like a glove . However I do now feel less elated as at first I thought well if there is a diaognosis then there must be a cure . However, I now feel very deflated knowing what I and the kids are up against. In addition the mother and sisters of my wife are all Single mothers and seem to relish my wife being that way to , rather than trying to support our family and help, they are easily manipulated and fan the situation .
We have 2 children, a girl of 14 and boy of 15 plus another who is 20 but has experienced and suffered hugely from his mums BPD when in his teens to the point of attempted suicide .My wife has romantic idealation for another man at the moment, she wishes to be "single" , to "find herself" , needs "space" , and has expressed the need to "run away " , which she has finally done since her "liaison " was first discovered end of May .
Yesterday she became very hostile and took a lot more of her possessions away and is aiming to collect the rest today , she is either fiery or vacate with me , normal communication or rationality just doesn't exist no matter how calm you are or reasonable, her replies are either spiteful, contradictabl, or she answers " well you would say that" and then leading to " whatever" .
5 years ago she had another random romantic idealisation, lasted about 6 weeks , a complete on line stranger and she ended up travelling to London to meet this man . She finally returned to reality and she has since referred to it as the time she went mental . However , at the time, as now, she feels it is all so real and must seek it out at any cost to herself , or her close family .
My oldest son , step son , doesn't wish for her to come home should she ever wish to, he said that life here us so much less stressful and happier without her presence. The 15 year old is happy to stay with me and would be happy for his mum to return, whilst the daughter would like to move out and stay with mum when she finds a place to rent . The 15 yr old also states that his sister is trying to manipulate him into leaving similar to what his mother does .
I myself have also been less stressed when she is not here, but I do truly love her and wish for a magic wand to make her well , see the reality and seek help .
Due to a diagnosis of severe depression and severe anxiety, coupled with OCD ,shewas referred by the mental health unit for cognitive behavioural therapy in April 2015 , however she never attended any appointments, she "hates" counsellor s and refuses to open up for "self preservation " .
She lies to others and to herself about her feelings towards me , her work colleagues and friends and family are all deceived, and if anyone does start to see the real her , then she cuts them from her life and are ostracised.
Well I feel better getting that off my chest !
My step son is very good , we consul in each other , though for the last day or two it is becoming increasingly hard for him to mentally deal with the situation and so he is drifting away somewhat, which is fine as his mental health is a worry to .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Meili]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation that brought you to this site. It can be extremely difficult for all involved with a person with BPD (pwBPD). Hopefully you will be able to find the support and advice that you need to get through this and come out healthier on the other side.

I'm not sure how much research you've done on the topic of BPD, but pwBPD feel emotions far more intensely than the average person. To them, their feelings equal facts. This explains why when a someone tries to reason with them when they are emotionally aroused nothing gets through. Basically, what is happening is that you are telling her that the facts are wrong. Because the facts are her feelings, you are telling her that her feelings are wrong. And, because her feelings are so intense, you are telling her that she is a bad person. This triggers a shame response. The shame response triggers the fear of abandonment.

The shame response is also likely at the heart of her refusing to seek treatment. Seeking treatment would require her to admit that she's flawed and the path described above gets followed.

The romantic idealizations are likely the result of the other man (OM) making her feel good about herself. She probably feels safe as a result.

There are some links in the sidebar to the right to help you begin to learn to communicate more effectively with her. More effective communication can help reduce the levels of emotional arousal and allow her to think "more clearly." It's hard for any of us to think with a clear head when we are emotional, it's even harder for a pwBPD.

How has your communication been in the past?

[ArleighBurke]

As Meili said, there are techniques to help YOU feel better, communicate better and "get a handle on things". These are also skills you can teach your kids.

But the reality is that SHE will probably never change. There is no cure, no magic wand. With therapy (if she goes into it) she *may* get a little better - but I doubt she will become "normal".

You will need to decide whether, if things stay the same, this is a marraige worth keeping. Hardest. Descision. Ever.