Hi there,
I met my husband over 4 years ago, it was all amazing, never this good. We were engaged after 2 months, married after 11. There were plenty of
that I ignored, and then, my life became hell. Literally hell. I, who has always been very sociable and brave and daring and independant, I ended up being a terrified mouse, hidden at home, feeling to stupid to meet people (whereas I used to travel the World on my own, be very successful, have tons of friends etc), terrorized by my husband, incapable and scared to make even the most insignificant of decisions. For the outside world, he is perfect : bright handsome, adventurous, funny, reliable, sociable etc. Only at home, he could be attrocious, he even attacked me physically quite a few times, of course always blaming me for pushing him to do so afterwards... .
Anyway, it's always the same story. He started a schema therapy about 1.5 years ago, and was diagnosed with BPD alongside with depression, and also a high rate of dependency, paranoia, hysteria, etc. But he denied the results. Anyway, I left him in April this year.
Now, he says that with the therapy, he can understand he is sick, and he has hurt me, and that there are things that he admits (like he now seems to accept that he is the one who was violent, not me, as he previously said) that he wouldn't in the past.
I have done a lot of work on myself, also with a therapist, and am not willing to ever let myself be treated like pooh again. But some part of me still love the bugger. He is really quite amazing, outside from the BPD of course.
But can I trust him? He could be manipulating me. He has tried that in the past, saying everything I wanted to hear, and then the opposite a few weeks later, blaming me for loving being a victim, and being mentally ill when he is healthy etc.
I was thinking of two things: sending him a list of everything that happened, not to hurt him, but because I think he doesn't know or remember why I am so hurt. Not using an accusing tone, but just stating what happened. And if I should get back together with him, I was thinking of asking him to tell the truth to his friends and family, who have mostly blamed the whole thing on me (they only have his version) when really I was in agony (ok, he also is unhappy, that's why he turns into the monster). It's just, it's hard enough to have to accept that what has been done cannot be changed, without having to carry what does not belong to me (he's convinced everybody that I am mentally ill, violent, until the point some of his friends could understand while he attacked me). Should I never see those people again, I wouldn't really care so much (ok, a little, but I can live with that), but should we try to get back together, I really couldn't stand having to bear the guilt of all of that drama that went on on my own in front of those people, and be judged for it.
Am I just delusional? Can he actually get better? Is our story at a dead end? Or if I want it to work out, I just have to accept the humiliation to be considered a freak? Is there a chance that seeing a list of what he's done makes him realise the extent of what's happened (he still doesn't get it)?
Sorry if it's too long, and thank you for your support.
