Red flags

[JJacks0]

What red flags did you see early in your r/s?

In hindsight there were a few things that I now think about and realize were possibly signs of BPD.

After we started spending time together she told me that she couldn't just be friends with me so we needed to be in a relationship or nothing at all (I was not out to my friends or family yet and she was really pressuring me to take the leap).

She asked to come to a family dinner knowing that I wasn't out yet so I wasn't going to introduce her as a girlfriend yet. Afterwards she was very upset with me that I didn't tell them.

She pressured me to make things official and seemed to feel incredibly rejected when I was taking it slowly.

Once we were official, she put a lot of pressure on sex - she was very frustrated with me that it took me a while and even complained to mutual friends about it.

She told me VERY early on that she thought she was falling in love with me.

She got upset with me one night out of the blue and later explained it was because she thought that I would leave her, and she was more invested than me (we were honeymooning at the time so I was very surprised by this).

She totaled her car one night and sent me a text saying that we shouldn't bother having a relationship because she would never be able to come see me now. Later I picked her up and she had cut herself because she was so ashamed about her car accident.

She would occasionally be very cold after being very loving - I'd get a message that simply said something like, "I'm not coming over anymore."

She bragged about being able to lie very well.

She starved herself.

I saw a message she sent to her dad about suicidal ideation.

At a party, another girl was being very flirty with her and my ex disappeared with her (I know nothing happened but she didn't seem to be able to say no to the attention despite aggressively pursuing a relationship with me.

Likewise, a creepy man at a party was asking her about us joining him and his girlfriend and she didn't turn him down to his face - she made it seem like a possibility although it was absolutely not (she had ZERO interest but wasn't comfortable upsetting anyone).

She lied about several things that she said she had done - I guess in an attempt to seem edgy, but later she confessed that to me on her own.

She moved in with me very, very quickly.

She spent tons of money on me - huge Christmas gifts, etc. after only dating a short time.

She REALLY cared about how other people saw her - needed to be liked by everyone, needed to be the best dressed and best looking in the room.

I saw her journaling and scribbling things like "F*ck you" and "Kill yourself" all over the paper.

She told me that she had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.


Almost all of these things improved TREMENDOUSLY (some probably had to do with her age as well and growing up). Often I feel like it makes very little sense why I stayed during all of the chaos, only to leave now that she has matured and made a ton of progress. I have to remind myself of the bad things that have still happened within the past year. They are different and of a different magnitude, but still indicative of underlying unresolved problems. She is not seeing a therapist regularly (at least as of the last time we spoke - she doesn't believe she has anything to work through anymore). I don't know if she is taking medication either, but I doubt it. I will say that she seems (from afar) to be doing quite well, but I'm obviously not sure what's going on inside her mind or how she would be right now if we were still together. Just seems so backwards that I was so attracted to her still when all of these signs were in my face... .but after years of progress/backpedaling, and more progress (roller coaster)... .I lost that same initial drive to be with her. I guess it was just a result of all the things that have happened that I couldn't unsee or unhear... despite progress. It's so sad the way this has all played out.  And what makes me craziest is that after all of this I still love her to death and would take her back in a heartbeat.

[Warcleods]

Tons of red flags.  And she didn't have the ability to make any decisions for herself.  Always needed validation of others.

1. Constant valuation/devaluation of her ex.  (wonderful one day, everything his fault the next)
2. Selfish / things related to me were always somehow twisted to affect her.
3. Very impulsive and lacked ability to predict consequence of actions.
4. Obsessed with latest fashion trends.
5. Obsessed with weight loss but she was a binge eater and overweight.  Calorie counter as well.
6. Lack of empathy for others.
7. CONSTANT mood changes.  Off balanced almost everyday.  
8. Sex addicted - she would be massively depressed and still masturbate (she would tell me this).  How does one even mix those 2 emotions?  When I am depressed, the last thing I think about is sex.
9. Addicted to online mediums / chat apps.
10. Liar / caught her in lies many times.
11. Weird belief system.  She was looking for a job and said she wanted to find a place to work that had "good looking" people.
12. Completely unable to deal with emotions \ constantly telling me, "I'm a lost soul, broken, a failure, hopeless, empty, lonely."  And then literally the next day she was on top of the world, could conquer anything, didn't have any problems at all.  What a mess... .

The list goes on and on.  No, I am not perfect and would never claim to be but the things above, I chose to ignore.

[beggarsblanket]

The first time we hung out, and before we had gone 20 paces, she told me she had an eating disorder.

Within the first week, she told me with a fire in her eyes, "I want to know all your secrets."

After a couple of months, she complained that I knew everything about her but there were still things I was keeping from her.

Reports of multiple dramatic shifts of identity.

Hundreds of scars on her arms, reports of sexual self-injury.

Reports of serious childhood abuse and neglect, street involvement, meth addiction.

Early on, she made a big deal out of "appropriate boundaries," so I proposed six boundaries, including such things as meeting less frequently and for shorter periods. She rejected all but one: that our meetings were to be alcohol free. Much later she would excoriate me for having poor boundaries. Hah.

On one of two occasions when she was drunk in my presence, she became very seductive toward me. She opened her seduction with the words, "I only make friends with men who I would date." We were ostensibly friends, and she had a boyfriend. When I didn't respond to her several overt attempts to seduce me, she curled up beside me in the fetal position and started talking in a very small voice. The next day she was panicked that she would lose me due to her behaviour. I forgave her without a second thought.

[beggarsblanket]

8. Sex addicted - she would be massively depressed and still masturbate (she would tell me this).  How does one even mix those 2 emotions?  When I am depressed, the last thing I think about is sex.

I've experienced something like this during "mixed episodes" of bipolar. A mixed episode is one in which features of both mania and depression are present. I'm not sure what it's like in BPD, but dysphoric sexual arousal in bipolar is driven and unpleasant and impossible to satisfy.

[stimpy]

Good question.

Very early on... .

- She told me she hated her mother
- She told me she hated her exes
- She told me she was subjected to DV
- She told me she didn't like her job, but had done it for 20 years and ignored every idea I put forward for a change
- She told me she was the victim of everyone around her
- She told me many very personal secrets, especially about her Family of origin
- She just couldn't see how some of her actions had an impact on me (lack of empathy)
- She flirted with guys right in front of me
- She gas-lighted me (like we had totally different memories of the same event) her memory was that she  behaved well, my memory was that she behaved selfishly and without a thought about me
- She said she had been setting me tests when we were first getting to know each other
- She told me one of her exes hated her so much he wouldn't even say her name
- She was enmeshed in the lives of her adult daughters

I was so naïve at dating that I hadn't even heard of the term "Red flag", now I'm afraid that if I do meet someone I like, I watch out for anything that rings alarm bells.

But in truth, maybe that is a good thing - I have learnt how to protect myself better from getting involved in someone who will go on to hurt me.

[gotbushels]

Hi JJacks0

I strongly relate to these experiences.

... .she couldn't just be friends with me so we needed to be in a relationship or nothing at all
... .
She pressured me to make things official and seemed to feel incredibly rejected when I was taking it slowly.

These were big issues early on in my relationship.

Once we were official, she put a lot of pressure on sex - she was very frustrated with me that it took me a while and even complained to mutual friends about it.

She told me VERY early on that she thought she was falling in love with me.

She bragged about being able to lie very well.

My ex was opposite. She went to great lengths to hide her lies. She was successful for the first few months. Later this emerged as one of her biggest secrets.

At a party, another girl was being very flirty with her and my ex disappeared with her (I know nothing happened but she didn't seem to be able to say no to the attention despite aggressively pursuing a relationship with me.

I look at this as an inability to say "no". Basically anything that gave her more attention--she would find some way to get more of it. Something like attention addiction?

Likewise, a creepy man ... .

I had my version of a "creepy man" too. When she purportedly tried to follow my suggestions, they would keep turning up. See ^lies above.

I hope you're feeling better. 

[WishIKnew82]

Things I felt were weird but because he was depressed and had a bunch of other problems I rationalized it away by telling myself that the stress is causing him to act that way.

These are the things that were apparent after only a month or two.
 
-Issues with everyone in his life. Started telling me his life story and almost everyone was a enemy at one point.
-His mother and father wronged him.
-Telling me about incidents where he felt wronged but where it was obvious he was overreacting.
-Extremely sensitive.
-Extremely defensive.
-Disproportionate reactions to stress.
-Disproportionate reactions in general.
-Being attracted to all sorts of women, all the time.
-Hating himself one day and being totally in awe with himself on another day.
-Drinking.
-Escapism.
-Unrealistic view of people, life. Sometimes WAYY to positive Sometimes way to negative.
-Never forgetting who wronged him, how small it may be and hating them for it. Next day he would explain away their behaviour in his favor (they loved him too much, he wronged them before) so he would look like the victor, yet again.
-Unable to deal with rejection.
-Feeling all women should be attracted to him. Needed to be a 10. Otherwise his life would be worthless.
-Needed to be the smartest person and percieved as such.
-Huge issues if you would disagree with him.
-Changing his views on people all the time.

[gotbushels]

8. Sex addicted - she would be massively depressed and still masturbate (she would tell me this).  How does one even mix those 2 emotions?  When I am depressed, the last thing I think about is sex.

Hi Warcleods 

I'd like to make a few suggestions here.

I think for some people, sexual self-gratification doesn't necessarily need a specific set of emotions.

Pleasure from sex may be a retreat from pain. If pleasure for her is easy to get from self-gratification, then this makes sense. I think the more pain one experiences, the more one feels compelled to run away from it. pwBPDs undergo a lot of pain so this can explain why this person behaves this way.

Using sex to "solve" arguments may be one example of how this pleasure to "smother" pain works.

[gotbushels]

-Extremely sensitive.
-Extremely defensive.
-Disproportionate reactions to stress.
-Disproportionate reactions in general.
... .
-Drinking.
-Escapism.

I think this is accurate.    Insightful WishIKnew82!

[Warcleods]

Hi Warcleods 

I'd like to make a few suggestions here.

I think for some people, sexual self-gratification doesn't necessarily need a specific set of emotions.

Pleasure from sex may be a retreat from pain. If pleasure for her is easy to get from self-gratification, then this makes sense. I think the more pain one experiences, the more one feels compelled to run away from it. pwBPDs undergo a lot of pain so this can explain why this person behaves this way.

Using sex to "solve" arguments may be one example of how this pleasure to "smother" pain works.

I agree with that.  But in times when I just needed her to listen, she would respond in a sexual way.  It annoyed me because I thought she just couldn't listen and provide something other than, "How about I do blank to your blank."   The most bizarre behavior I experienced ALL of the time with her is that we'd be intimate and she'd have many orgasms and then should would go home and masturbate again.  She would tell me this.  This is not normal behavior.

[Melster12]

1. "Why are you ignoring me" text. Dude,  I have a job.
2. "Come with me on my trip to North Carolina? Use my frequent flyer miles./ I will cancel my trip to spend time with you"
3. "If you don't  (do something unreasonable for me right now like go with him on his business trip but forget about MY job) or I'm leaving you.
4. "I can't go with you to your Thanksgiving?" This is in October.
5. "I was going to come over but" This was a weekend he was "sick" and "dating" someone else.
6. "Want to meet my family"
7. "You should leave some stuff at my place/You are a cruel person.


WOW! This is so helpful! Reading the dysregulations puts it in clear focus! This is NOT normal.

Also right after this fella I met a new guy who told me he loved me AFTER the first date. I explained that this was moving to fast for me and that we were not a match.
 Then I went immediately no contact. Learning from my mistakes!

[DazedandConfus3d]

'Why would anyone lie, except to get what they want?'
'I used to [lie, cheat, create drama, betray confidences], but I'm not like that anymore.'
'No, what you thought that was, it was [something else]'

I could go on, but I'm sure all of you have heard it before... .

[Skyglass]

I look back now and I see a lot of red flags. Some I rationalized in the beginning and excused, thinking it was just that my BF was romantic, really was "that into me," and that he'd change as he got more comfortable with our r/s. That was of course before I knew what it was like in a BPD r/s. Pretty much the red flags were everything that people have posted in the above replies. But here's a few:

- Pressured me to be in a r/s, agree to a commitment very fast, and wouldn't take no for an answer. Then couldn't handle me being away from him ever. This seemed so charming at first but now I see years later that this was a sign.
- Constantly calling and texting me and if I didn't answer or text back, I was perceived as being selfish, inconsiderate, and didn't see him as important. He would often call me and continue to call when he knew I was working where I couldn't answer the phone or reply. Then raged at me afterwards on his messages. Then act loving again. Then continue to rage, blaming me that he had to be that way b/c my behavior of not answering/replying, made him that way.
- He told me about many tumultuous friendships with people who use to be his "best friends" and arguments/major disagreements he had with his employers (bosses, coworkers, etc.). I began seeing this pattern in the current job he held.
- Would sabotage himself when things were going well in his life and then need rescued later. And when rescued, it was never good enough or done quickly enough. What I did to help was turned around against me.
- He mentioned once that his father thought he "might suffer from narcissism."
- He said in the beginning that he probably needed therapy at times but that therapists didn't know as much as him and annoyed him.
- I noticed a pattern that his family would also cycle and dysregulate as well with behaviors.
- Recreational use of substances that he was caught with and he justified it by saying he was self-medicating naturally but he was unable to stop the substances. - Also, times of driving extremely reckless and fast, impulsive spending on meaningless objects/items, etc. that he justified.

[tammym1972]

Wow. Where do I begin?

Wanted serious relationship right away.
On first date asked if we were going to have sex because he didn't have any condoms.
Talked marriage less than a month in.
Everybody did him wrong.
Everything was somebody else's fault.
Got stressed out over little things.
Started crying when I told him I wasn't jnterested in him after our second date.
His ex wife was evil and that if it wasn't wrong he'd kill her.
Very selfish and stingy. Wouldn't even share candy with his kids.
Wanted sex five times a day. Only it was all about him.
Reckless dangerous behavior.
Impulsive spending. Cars, guns etc.
wanted to prepare for the end of the world. Hoarded food and weapons. Wanted to live off the grid.
Radically changed his appearance.
Bad temper. Animal abuse.

[I_am_Stacey]

Lots of red flags which I choose to: 1. Ignore my gut feeling about them or  2. I thought: “Wow, this guy is so into me”

•   Constantly texting me, like whole day long
•   “You are the only one that understands me”
•   His ex was the devil/ then they we’re friends again
•   Agressive behavior in the past
•   Agressive towards his ex, ofcourse never his fault, all hers
•   Nothing was ever his fault, always other people
•   He took pride in misleading people
•   Told me he that therapy was not for him and he always manipulated therapists into what they needed to hear. He’d rather talk to me, that was way more helpfull.
•   Not making eyecontact when talking/ in the bedroom
•   Disturbed childhood which he told me about
•   Got in legal trouble when younger
•   Being proud of having friends who do things that are illegal
•   Very impulsive, in actions and buying things. Always wanting something new
•   Friendships that were ended because of what people did, always their fault and they were cut off
•   Said he loved me in 2 weeks
•   Talking about marriage and living together in 6 weeks
•   Problems at work/ never his fault
•   He wanted to be the best at anything/ thought he was the best
•   He told me he’s a kameleon
•   Told me he always gets what he wants
•   Lots of sex

Now I know what to look out for I hope. In the end, without his troubles, he can be a nice guy. That's the sad part... .Sometimes I see that side of him again and it makes it hard. But I know what it will be like eventually... .   

[Pretty Woman]

She told me immediately of her very soap-opera-ish past:

-She was raped by SEVERAL exes
-Her father was an abusive drunk who slammed her into a wall causing "frontal lobe issues" (her words)
-Her exes were alcoholics and drug addicts
-She put her baby up for adoption to spite the biological father. She aborted the child of her next husband.
-When she lost her job she acquired a gambling addiction and was 30K in debt.
-She had a penchant for dating exes in rotation (she seems to cycle back and forth between three of them, even years later).

She couldn't watch the news because it was "too violent". This, coming from someone who hit me, spit in my face and called me a slew of names. During one break up a friend's young grandson died and she was overcome with empathy. She had never met this child yet carried around the funeral card and was as distraught as if she lost her own child.

I tried to contact her during this time. Someone she claimed to "love more than anything" and she threatened a restraining order.

I finally figured out nothing made sense because it... .well it just didn't. She is disordered and I was trying to figure out why.

It doesn't matter "why". She was completely unhealthy for me. I ignored the red flags and played her rescuer.

Fell right into it.

PW
 

[Skyglass]

Everyone's replies have been so helpful to read. It really helps to see that so many of us had very similar red flags. Truly amazing.

[Duped 1]

Mine was high functioning with a good job, financially responsible and no legal troubles or infidelity.

She pursued me pretty aggressively

Wanted sex very quickly

Texted and called constantly. I had to call her on the way to work and on the way home

Had been divorced for 8 years and yet early in the relationship cried about her divorce and said she had been miserable since until she met me, even though she said her ex threw her around a bit

Wanted to spend an awful lot of time together right away

Pushed me to get off Facebook as I had connected with women previously there

Significantly overreacted to situations with disproportionate anger

Put me down right away about previous girlfriends

Started talking marriage in the first month or two and said she was put on this earth to be a mom and a wife

Noticed right away that her and her kids lacked basic manners and didn't treat each other well

She had been with a guy 6 years prior to me and she said they had been broken up for about 3.5 months (I'm sure it was much less than that seeing how quickly she jumped on my replacement). We had only been together a few weeks when she said he had been contacting her. I asked what that was about and she made a gesture like she was rubbing her eyes crying and said: "his dad died" . I couldn't believe how cruel that was and should have ran for the hills right then and there