Hi Wools!
It's interesting, in my case I knew my mother nor our household was normal. It was a big relief to have sleepovers at other people's stable homes, I rarely had friends over mine thanks to my mother's mood swings and erratic behavior. It wasn't emotionally safe, my friends were uncomfortable around her and I remember feeling ashamed about that and wanting to protect my friends from the scariness. So I pretended, for a while, to outsiders that my home life was normal but I always knew it was far from it. In high school, I rebelled from my mother's authority and told her I wouldn't let her hurt me anymore. My parents divorced and I moved in with my neglectful alcoholic, but calm, father.
I was attracted to men who were the exact opposite of her until my second husband, who I married when I was nearly 40. My first husband was so sweet and gentle, my best friend, we were together eight years. Unfortunately, he was questioning his sexuality so that marriage ended.
Yes, I started therapy age 15 (gave me strength to stand up to my mother) and stayed in treatment for 10+ years. Therapists raised me, basically
The book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life really was a big awakening for me. I did change my life! I moved 3,000 miles away from my mother, started a professional practice teaching others what I learned to overcome hardships and feel well, and our relationship improved! She is a BP person who admires you when you're on top and berates you when you fall. She admired me for many years. I had the peaceful life I needed, away from drama. I spent years single after my divorce doing "me." Getting massages every week, enjoying work and balancing caring for others with pampering myself. I don't feel life is ever truly "perfect" but I can say protecting myself from dysfunction granted me a beautiful inner peace that made life easier and more enjoyable. It's hard to tolerate less than when you've experienced how stable, calm and content life can be.
I feel like my second husband blindsighted me. One of my best friends had been trying to set me up with him, he was her co-worker and neighbor. We started chatting on Facebook and he sounded just as my friend described him - genuine, and straight! Lol
The problem was my calm world was shaken when I lost my home in a fire. I was sleeping when the fire happened, it was traumatic and triggered PTSD again. I hadn't had symptoms of PTSD from my mother's abuse in over a decade at this point. I was really dissociated, in shock, and agreed to move in with my friend of 20 years who was trying to matchmake me. She was the only person who had a spare room for me and I was desperate to be with someone who felt like family to me and have a healing retreat. The mistake, I feel, was making such a big decision in a state of shock.
I moved in with her, in another state far from my healing community and other friends. My second husband started pursuing me more. He was so kind, thoughtful and generous. He admitted he had OCD but hadn't sought treatment yet. I encouraged him to, and taught him stress management skills I teach others. He had a hard time using these tools, and over time I realized I was in over my head. Sometimes my optimism isn't a good thing. It's hard to accept when people you love are resistant to getting healthy. Mental illnesses, in my experience, are way harder to heal/cope with than physical illness. My mind doesn't get in the way of getting help for this physical illness, my mind actually keeps me motivated to heal. I've seen my mentally ill loved ones sabotage themselves over and over. So hard to watch when I think, if they could just see things differently... .
Unlike my mother, my husband wants to change. He has seen therapists, taken all sorts of remedies he researched, even does yoga stretches every day (wish he'd apply the positive mindset!). Right now he's looking for a new therapist who is an OCD expert. Will he be able to change his abusive behavior? I don't know. I waver between hope and doubt. Time will tell. I'm focused on healing myself and preparing for either outcome. It isn't easy, I really don't like instability for obvious reasons! And not knowing whether he will get better creates feelings of instability for me.
I find it odd that suddenly at this later age I chose someone who my mother admitted is so similar to her (of course she loves him haha). It started with a re-trigger of PTSD... .hmm... .I believe this is happening because I thought I had moved past the worst of my childhood, I really hadn't. I think that is the gift of my second husband and currently living in a state where I don't want to be. There have been amazing doctors here, including one of the best psychoanalysts I've seen. And standing up to my husband's tantrums and verbal abuse is reliving my childhood with my BPm but this time I get to express my anger, claim my worth, say exactly how I know I deserve to be treated and will not settle for less. Everytime he takes his stress out on me he is met with the same defiance and accountability from me, I can honestly say, unlike his parents, I have not enabled him. I never had that opportunity with my mother. That one time I stood up to her was short-lived, I didn't get to say everything I really wanted to, she would cut me off and never listened, walked away, shut me out. My husband apologizes, listens, validates when he's rational and has cried with regret, that's something I never saw my mother do. Not that his apologies hold much value at this point, oh how I truly despise OCD and whatever other illness he has that steals the loving part of him away from me.
I'm sure I subconsciously hope that if my husband is "fixed" that will somehow feel empowering and healing since my mother couldn't be. But really this is about fixing me, those parts of myself that my raging mother made me stifle for all those years. My husband and his illness, as much as it's stressed me sick, I detest it and wish it would disappear into oblivion, has also allowed me to stand up for myself and proclaim my worth over and over which is kinda a big deal for me. And he agrees I deserve better and said I should leave him if he can't get better because I deserve the healthy family I want. It's sad, really, really sad. It's a waiting game now, as I need to get physically better and back to work, my first priority.
Thanks for listening/reading. The book that really helped me is Surviving A Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth. It is so accurate for me, I'd expect my mother's name in the title.
Healing wishes for all of us recovering from BPDm and the lasting effects they have on our psyche. May we all be healed.
