Can you tell me if this is reasonable?

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 17yrs with a BPD wife I'm still not sure if some things i want are "reasonable" or not. Can you offer opinion:

I have 3 kids 13, 10, 6. Wife and I both work full time. She works until 6pm 4-5 nights/wk. I work to 5pm 2 days/wk, and come home at 3pm on the other 3 days to look after kids, cook dinner, take them to dancing/gymnastics etc.

I play sport on sunday evenings (I'm away from the home for about 2hrs).
I go out with friends (without her) probably one night per week.
I've just started running (2hrs) on the weekend with my oldest child about once every fortnight.

My problem: I want to start playing another sport, one mid-week night per week for about 2hrs. Games will start anywhere from 6pm to 10pm.

I'm am SURE that when i talk with her about it she will tell me:
- it is unreasonable to "expect her" to manage the kids on that night (she HATES it when I got running on the weekend because she has to "manage the kids" - even though I take one with me
- she will tell me I'm "ignoring her".
     - this is a sport that she used to play, and I've invited her to come play with me, but she's let her fitness go in the last 10yrs so she won't start again.
     - We used to go out about once per month for a date, but in the last few years she's actively blocked that. I can't find anything out of the house that she actually wants to do with me (walking, dinner, sport, cooking classes together, working out or exercise at home). I organised at home art classes for us - she stopped after 3 because she didn't like the feeling that the instructor was judgeing her. I tried to have a date night where we learnt to dance together to a utube video - but she doesn't like learning with me because i pick things up quicker than her so she feels useless.
    - so most nights I just sit on the couch with her. We watch TV and she either plays candy crush or does work. I *try* to maintain a conversation, but I run out (since there's nothing in my life to talk about! She doesn't like my 'nerdy' topics that I read and research).
- she will tell me we "need to sacrifice our lives for the kids - just while they are young". But this is HER excuse on why she doesn't eat well, exercise, socialise... .

I know she'll react badly to me suggesting "another thing" that I do without her - but i've asked her so many times to suggest ANYTHING for us to do - and she can't. So I'm at the point that I feel I can't entice her to enjoy life with me. So I'm just going to go and do my own thing. I will try to include my kids where I can. According to my maths, this still leaves 4-5 nights per week where I'm not out - which I think is VERY reasonable.

I know that she probably feels:
- jealous because she wants to be social, but can't, so she wants me to stay just hers
- annoyed at herself because she "wants" to be fit, but she believes that she doesn't have the time to - so she needs to "prove" that she doesn't have the time by stopping me from showing her that we actually DO have the time
- she has a picture in her head (she tells me all the time) of us having lovely evenings at home together just chatting and laughing. I'm not sure how that happens when she's glued to candy crush - but she wants it! (It seems she wants that, but doesn't want to "work" to create it).

So I know all this is standard BPD stuff. Actually, in writing all this down I think I've convinced myself that this is 100% OK - it almost makes me feel stupid for even having doubts! That is what years of second guessing myself does - I start to believe "her perspective". I'm probably just still trying to be the nice guy, to listen to her concerns and to try to make her life as good as I can. But she is walking the path SHE chooses.

Comments? (Sorry about the long post)

[ArleighBurke]

After 17yrs with a BPD wife I'm still not sure if some things i want are "reasonable" or not. Can you offer opinion:

I have 3 kids 13, 10, 6. Wife and I both work full time. She works until 6pm 4-5 nights/wk. I work to 5pm 2 days/wk, and come home at 3pm on the other 3 days to look after kids, cook dinner, take them to dancing/gymnastics etc.

I play sport on sunday evenings (I'm away from the home for about 2hrs).
I go out with friends (without her) probably one night per week.
I've just started running (2hrs) on the weekend with my oldest child about once every fortnight.

My problem: I want to start playing another sport, one mid-week night per week for about 2hrs. Games will start anywhere from 6pm to 10pm.

I'm am SURE that when i talk with her about it she will tell me:
- it is unreasonable to "expect her" to manage the kids on that night (she HATES it when I got running on the weekend because she has to "manage the kids" - even though I take one with me
- she will tell me I'm "ignoring her".
     - this is a sport that she used to play, and I've invited her to come play with me, but she's let her fitness go in the last 10yrs so she won't start again.
     - We used to go out about once per month for a date, but in the last few years she's actively blocked that. I can't find anything out of the house that she actually wants to do with me (walking, dinner, sport, cooking classes together, working out or exercise at home). I organised at home art classes for us - she stopped after 3 because she didn't like the feeling that the instructor was judgeing her. I tried to have a date night where we learnt to dance together to a utube video - but she doesn't like learning with me because i pick things up quicker than her so she feels useless.
    - so most nights I just sit on the couch with her. We watch TV and she either plays candy crush or does work. I *try* to maintain a conversation, but I run out (since there's nothing in my life to talk about! She doesn't like my 'nerdy' topics that I read and research).
- she will tell me we "need to sacrifice our lives for the kids - just while they are young". But this is HER excuse on why she doesn't eat well, exercise, socialise... .

I know she'll react badly to me suggesting "another thing" that I do without her - but i've asked her so many times to suggest ANYTHING for us to do - and she can't. So I'm at the point that I feel I can't entice her to enjoy life with me. So I'm just going to go and do my own thing. I will try to include my kids where I can. According to my maths, this still leaves 4-5 nights per week where I'm not out - which I think is VERY reasonable.

I know that she probably feels:
- jealous because she wants to be social, but can't, so she wants me to stay just hers
- annoyed at herself because she "wants" to be fit, but she believes that she doesn't have the time to - so she needs to "prove" that she doesn't have the time by stopping me from showing her that we actually DO have the time
- she has a picture in her head (she tells me all the time) of us having lovely evenings at home together just chatting and laughing. I'm not sure how that happens when she's glued to candy crush - but she wants it! (It seems she wants that, but doesn't want to "work" to create it).

So I know all this is standard BPD stuff. Actually, in writing all this down I think I've convinced myself that this is 100% OK - it almost makes me feel stupid for even having doubts! That is what years of second guessing myself does - I start to believe "her perspective". I'm probably just still trying to be the nice guy, to listen to her concerns and to try to make her life as good as I can. But she is walking the path SHE chooses.

Comments? (Sorry about the long post)

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[Notwendy]

I think "reasonable" isn't a way to think of this because reason doesn't work too well in a world of emotions. It needs to be thought of as your personal choice- not something to JADE over. By asking if it is reasonable, you are in JADE and will end up on an endless circular argument over this with little chance of resolution. I would bet that the real reason isn't the kids but her fears. Also, your focus on your wife's lack of interest in fitness is her issue. Don't make this about her, but about what is best for you and your kids.

As a mom who took on most of the care of our kids ( for various reasons) I will give you my point of view.

I will say that I think it is important for you to keep up your interests and your own life in this situation. This helps your sanity as well as role models this for your children. I think your desire to do this is reasonable. A sport is good for you.

The conflict is in the idea of "reasonable". It is reasonable to you. To your wife though, I imagine just about anything you want to do that doesn't include her, leaves her alone, or involves the possibility that you will "meet someone" will fuel an argument that your wish is "unreasonable" so you will need to hold your ground if you choose to do this. Consider that her making this about the kids is smokescreen for other fears.

This was an issue in my home. I was very co-dependent and suggestible. There are pros and cons to how I handled this. My H worked long hours and I worked part time. He felt it was only fair that the job of house and kids didn't land on him. I agreed- I wanted to be a hands on mother and took on the domestic jobs. The point of contention was- to my H, this meant 100%, and I seriously mean 100%. So, if I wanted to do anything in the evenings, he would argue that it was unreasonable. This was a struggle. I slowly cut back on my outside interests and work, to accommodate the situation, became isolated and unhappy. The issue being argued about was childcare/housework, but I also suspect my isolation was reassuring to my H at some level. He likes to know I am in the house when he is here because if I am out, he starts to worry about a number of things, but making the argument about the distribution of household duties kept me in the dark about his bigger worry that I will meet someone I like better than him.  This underlying fear that I would leave him was the cause of the arguments about unreasonable. But I didn't know that at the time. Ironically, he liked me home but could completely ignore me and the kids for hours when I was home. Yet, if I went out, it was a problem.

It was not such a good decision to isolate myself. But there was another side to this. Asking my H to help with the kids, or the dishes, once in a while, let to refusal, raging, ST on his part. But so long as I didn't leave him alone in charge of the kids, his behaviors like this were only with me. I am pretty calm natured and used to the unpredictability of life with kids, but their antics ( they are good kids, but kids are kids) seemed to stress him out. He loves them, and loves to spend time with them, but preferred to have me along as well- it made things calmer.  I don't think he would have ever done anything to hurt them, but since he was so angry at my requests for help- I was concerned about leaving them with an angry stressed out, and anxious ( about my being out) parent. It was instinct to not do that ( along with growing up with BPD mom who is much more affected than my H- but I still just didn't feel comfortable). At no point were my requests to go do something for myself "unreasonable", but if asking him to do what was "reasonable" didn't work well for the family or the kids, then I had to make a choice for their welfare.

There was a shift in my focus when considering my choices. Initially, I was concerned about "fixing" my marriage and being co-dependent- fell into that pattern of appeasement, accepting the blame for our issues and his seemingly logical arguments that my requests were unreasonable. But then, the shift became my own choice to do what I thought was best for the children. No longer did I see this as a job that parents shared but an opportunity to build a relationship with the little people I love. Once I saw this as my choice that was not (co) dependent on his mood, it was no longer a conflict. It wasn't about him. It was about me- and them. Ironically, it was this shift that I think also prompted changes for the better in our marriage as I was not as concerned about my H and his moods and less co-dependent ( still, but less).

Another thought- even though you both work: evenings with pre-teen and teen kids who don't drive yet can be very busy and active with after school activities, homework, projects. With the ages of your kids, this is going to be a busy time for a while. One person can do it- I surely did it alone ( and still do) but it takes a parent who can manage this kind of thing and even the most stable parents appreciate an extra hand. How many nights a week do you think your wife can manage this? Is it good for the kids to have a dysregulated parent in charge? Also consider emotional maturity- a teen can begin to "outgrow" an emotionally immature parent and start to feel challenging or threatening to them.

How would your wife respond to anyone else helping her? Having sitters to help was a solution in my FOO growing up and also for me. If I wanted to do something- I got a sitter. My H could then also do what he wanted. If your wife is a homebody, that could be an issue, but she may also want to do something on the nights you are out as well. One benefit of getting a sitter was that my wanting to do something didn't depend on my H. A couple of times he did agree to watch the kids, and somehow backed off at the last minute. If I really wanted to do something, I needed to take total responsibility for making that happen. Your request to play a sport isn't unreasonable,but if asking your wife to enable that to happen isn't reasonable to her, well you have a conflict.

So where are we now? My kids are older- past the stage where they need mom at home all the time. I can do things in the evenings or weekends if I choose to. I don't like being out at night a lot anyway but if I want to go out, it isn't an imposition on my H. This took some encouragement from a MC- I was very ingrained in the idea that I could not go out at night. The conflict over childcare was replaced with other "reasons" why my doing things were unreasonable. Once I started doing things at night, I would return to questions about who was there, who did I meet. If I was a few minutes late, more questions. You got it- If I went out by myself- I might "meet someone" . Being home all the time made that not possible.

Most recently I had a job related dinner meeting. After the typical questions, my H said " I need to know where you are because I worry about you". I was irritated at the questions and jokingly said " yeah you are worried I have a boyfriend". He replied back " not really". If he thinks about this calmly, he isn't worried. I have not ever given a reason for him to think otherwise. His reasonable side knows that fidelity is a strong value for me.

But emotions are not rational. The first question he asked me when I got home was " did you meet anybody"? I believe that this is the fear that drove the arguments over whether or not it was "fair" to expect him to help with the kids since he worked longer hours than I did. And all that JADEing did was invalidate the fears and lead to circular argument. But whose fear is it ? It is his. My part: I don't cheat and accusations/fears don't change that. I can't help if he fears it, but I can't manage that for him. I also don't JADE over it. But not going out at all was managing his fears. Now I do go, and he has had some issues over it, but over time, he has seen that when I go out, I come home and I am still with him. It is getting better for him.

Long story- but in general- don't approach this with the premise of "reasonable". Reason doesn't apply when emotions rule. Also what is reasonable to one person isn't necessarily reasonable to someone else. It won't be reasonable to your wife. Also, consider the possibility that her arguments about who is home with the kids are not the actual reasons- but are about fears she may not tell you.

Make your activities a choice about what is best for you- and also for your children. If one more night out of the house is going to tip the scales for her and they are with a screaming crazy mother- then this isn't good for them. If the schedule you have now is working, consider trading a social night out with the guys for the sport, so the number of nights out stays the same.

Don't make any of this about her. Your nights home with the kids are your time with them. Make it about that.

Their childhood isn't forever. Your kids will grow up, transform into teen age alien forms of life, and then back again into wonderful young adults- and they will be off to their own lives. The chance you have to form bonds with them is now. Don't give up all of who you are for this, but don't let resentment of taking on more childcare than you think is "reasonable" make you lose sight of the benefits of spending time with them.

[Dragon72]

Sounds like you've got it pretty good compared to me.

The only (non-work) independent activity that I get is an hour alone out running 3 or 4 times a week.
I have zero social life if it doesn't include her.  Once every couple of months we socialise, but only ever as a couple.  Our few-and-far-between "date nights" are often abandoned due to some argument that appears out of nowhere in the day leading up to the aborted date.

My evenings at home are alone in front of the TV.  She's upstairs in bed with our 3 year old son (mostly messaging her sister).  I have tried to persuade her to come down and spend the evenings with me but it's almost never happened.

Recently I asked her if she wanted to come and spend the evening downstairs with me, she said "no", so I told her that, in that case, I was going out to read my book in the nearby Starbucks just for a change of scenery.  She dysregulated and tried to lay on a guilt trip about leaving her alone to look after our son (with whom she goes to sleep with every night anyway).

I went to Starbucks anyway, and felt like a real rebel for spending the price of a cup of coffee on myself and not the family and I felt that she would be having all sorts of imaginations about me having an affair while I read my book sitting all alone with my café americano.  I got days of silence from her as a result, so now I don't dare.

The problem lies with her and me in equal measure.

[Mecaco]

this sounds like my life.  anything I do for myself, or for the family without taking the kids with me is met with strong opposition.  Even when I take the kids with me, it seems I am setting the kids against her. 

yes, it sounds reasonable.

[gjkopriv]

 I feel your pain, I played college basketball and still love playing in a few adult leagues. I quit all of that when I met her because she basically is what I became addicted to. Over time when the relationship started getting bad, I wasnt going to sit at home and wait to see if she was coming over that night or wait until last minute cause she couldnt make plans not knowing if her kids were going to come with us or with the (ex) current husband. So I signed up for a league, she flipped out saying I couldnt go unless she was invited. Well I wasnt quitting the league, so she made sure she attended most of the games to keep an eye on me, like there is a way to meet other women at a old man basketball league, she would rarely stay those night and go home... .Thats why I feel like she would come just to make sure I wasnt doing anything else. Then after our first real break up. I joined the gym, I didnt want to sit at home. So of course when we tried getting back together... .And on day 3 ... .When she was supposedly breaking up with my replacement and then taking the kids out to eat after. Because I went to the gym, I choose the gym over her! There was no winning for me... .I gave up... .3 months later, I miss the fun we had together, but my life is so much more peaceful. No walking on eggshells and I found out so much about the lies she told me... .So all in all... .Its hard because you have children, but do what makes you happy. As long as you're not out doing anything wrong, she's going to find something to fault you on either way, so keep yourself happy

[Notwendy]

I got days of silence from her as a result, so now I don't dare.



But until you dare, she knows that the ST and control of you this way works for her. If this keeps you from going out, then she knows it works.

I used to get the ST too and it really upset me. But once I realized that if someone didn't speak to me it wasn't the end of the world, it was better. Getting the ST doesn't bother me now because I worked on not letting it bother me. I still can't control someone else, but the fact that the ST doesn't work, it diminished.

You need to believe that you have the right to go get yourself a cup of coffee. If it will not harm your family financially- then you can do it. Somehow I believe that your family will not be deprived in any way over that coffee.

I can relate to your feelings because,I was so afraid to leave the home in the evenings that my MC had to "order" me to do it. It was a co-dependency 12 step group that only met at that time. Since if was "prescribed" for me ( I was the one with the problem )my H had to let me go. But this didn't mean it was easy. I would often get asked if I "met anyone". But then I had the nerve to do other things- like see friends on my own, and return home to angry meltdowns.

The thing was, for this to change, I had to keep doing it, anger or not. Because one reason anger works so well with us is that- we let it. But as I grew more able to stand up for myself, my self esteem got stronger.

Now, go get that coffee- again!

[ArleighBurke]

Thanks NotWendy for your very detailed reply, and others for sharing similar stories.

I REFUSE to let my own life dwindle because of her pressure. It's something I need to keep fighting for. It just sucks that there is this constant pressure... .

[/quote]The chance you have to form bonds with <your kids> is now. [/quote]
My wife complains that I don't spend enough time with the kids. But on the next week she complains I spend too much time with them! About a year ago i proposed that I would take each of them out (in turn) for 2-4hrs each weekend (so kid 1 on the first weekend, kid 2 on the 2nd weekend etc) for dedicated dad time. She HATED the idea! This lead to a big discussion on "my proirities", and "how much time i was spending away from the family. But when she actually listed everything - she shut up and changed topics! (I'll count that as a win!)

[Notwendy]

AB - I guess I hoped to help make a shift from how your wife sees your relationship with the kids to the relationship between you and them. Her feelings may shift constantly- one one hand you spend too much time with them, the other time too little. She may not like your ideas, but it is important to consider their relationship with you- separate from her.

As they get older, they will be able to asses the situation better on their own. While you love and chose your wife, quite frankly, they did not. When they leave home, they may not want to have a close relationship with her, and being that the two of you are connected, this could include you.

I was able to be close to my father growing up, as my mother had little interest in child care. But as I got older, I really didn't like to be around her. This triggered her. It was very hard to have a one on one relationship with him under the circumstances. But I have the best memories of doing things with my father as a kid. He was just amazing. Those are my happy childhood memories amidst the chaos in my FOO. I hope you will make them with your kids.

[Notwendy]

And don't miss the part about how the shift in focus - off my H's moods dictating the childcare to my choice to take this aspect out of the conflict also made a change in the relationship.

It changed from " I refuse to let my own life dwindle because of his moods" to "I will create the relationship I want with my children". It took me out of victim mode and on to making my own choices. Did I make personal sacrifices? Sure, but I didn't resent it. It wasn't "I don't get to go out with my pals" but " I will plan a cool activity with the kids" and we did.

[ArleighBurke]

Thank you - YES. The mindset I stated puts her in control. But your twist puts ME in control. I like that.

I currently flick between making my own choices with the kids and suffering my wife's wrath, to giving up and just not rocking the boat. That's actually progress because I used to do nothing! I hope that as I get better at talking with her, better at not taking things personally and better at believing in myself that i will do more.

I know what you mean about choosing one parent over the other. I really like my own dad, but not really my mum. But it's almost impossible to separate him from her, so I don't spend as much time with him as I'd like.

[Notwendy]

If there was a silver lining to the tough parts of growing up with PBD mom, it was taking the perspective of the kids. They have two parents. If one of them was going to be angry and resentful at having to "watch them" then me being angry and resentful at my H for his moods wasn't going to be good for them. I thought I had shielded them from the arguments but I didn't. I was cleaning their rooms and found notes they had written about us saying stop fighting, get a divorce. One took my H's side saying it isn't your fault. They had blamed me for the issues because I guess they saw me as the one starting the arguments. I don't know what was going on in their little minds, but I knew what I grew up with and even if some of it was repeating itself in my marriage, I feared what it was like for them.

Dealing with co-dependency is sometimes a perspective shift with the same actions. We worked a lot on this in MC. If I was cooking dinner, or taking care of the kids out of fear of my H's moods, that was co-dependency- I was looking at his moods for the outcome, or trying to manage him. If I cooked the same dinner and took care of the kids out of my own free choice- independent of his moods, it was not.

So back to that sport you want to do. If it was just between you and your wife- then you should do it. She's an adult, she can manage on her own for a few hours. Sure she may be angry, insecure, feel abandoned or imagine you are having an affair or anything during those two hours- but those are her feelings- and hers to manage.  I can do the same thing. Teens can manage on their own- drive themselves to an after school activity, heat up a meal- if I do something for a couple of hours.  But your younger ones can not.

So the decision is - will playing this sport leave the kids in a vulnerable position?  Not- how will I do this and deal with my wife's moods? She's a grown up- your decisions don't need to be based on her moods. But if it will affect the kids in a negative way- that's something to think about.

[Skip]

So, if your wife goes on a messageboard and tells the inverse story (husband is occupied 2 nights a week and now want to make it three) and people say it's reasonable to be upset and feel abused, should she? She works long hours just like you.

Of course not, you say, she just triangulated in a third party to bolster her feelings and it polarized the situation with the two of you. Bad triangulation, drama triangle, etc.

All this begs the question, reasonable to whom?. If any of us take a side, we're not helping you.  

Some thoughts.

1. Empathize with her side. Right now you both work and you both take care of the kids. You take two nights off a week and want to now take a third. Doesn't sound like a great deal for her.

2. Empathize with the relationship. If she takes three, does that mean you only see each other one night a week and you solo babysit for 3 nights alone? Is that good?

3. Empathize with yourself, you don't want to stay home every night and not have any ArleighBurke play time. Doesn't sound like a great deal for you.

This is the problem that needs to be solved (not the one you described). There are lots of ways to do it. You tried some and they didn't work. You may have to try something else or put that in her hands. What can you give her to compensate for the 3 nights of solo baby sitting? The kids need to be taken care of seven nights a week.

Lots of families face this. It's best if you can agree on a solution. That is the most reasonable thing. Compromise would be the second most reasonable. Mitigate is the third most reasonable. "Bite me", comes in last. 

[ArleighBurke]

NotWendy:

Dealing with co-dependency is sometimes a perspective shift with the same actions.

I went through this a few years back before I found out about BPD. I took a self-course to fix my marriage and this was one of the big lessons - to always own my own actions, to know that everything I do I have chosen to do. It helped a lot!

As for the kids, this will have almost no impact on them. Once a month I will play sport before their bed times (but after dinner) and mum will have put them to bed. The other 3 nights each month i will not leave until the 2 smaller ones are already in bed -the older one is 13 and goes to bed later - he's self sufficient. With this said, there is still a negative impact because mum will b___ about it every week... .

Skip: I probably shouldn't have titled this "is this reasonable". I am not really after a "yes/no" - I was more seeking different view points. Based on her complaining over the years, I *do* alter my life to try to find a compromise. When i go out with my friends, they may get together at 4pm - I will always wait until the kids are in bed, and not leave until after 7pm - because she tells me that "me leaving her with the kids" is too much. If I have arranged a night to go see friends on the weekend, she will often try to make me change nights last minute. I think she's worried I've arranged something, not sure what. Most times I will happily change nights.

I also agree that if I wanted to go out 3 nights/week and she did too, that we'd never see each other. She brought up the same "reason". I told her I'd be more than happy to support her going out, and that if she started going out regularily then I would not go out so much, so that we *could* still have time together. I am quite open to compromise.

The problem becomes, when we try to talk about it, she has many "reasons" why me going out isn't a good idea. Of course, each one has an easy solution. But this misses the point - she actually just doesn't like me going out. Probably a combination of feeling ignored, justifying her self for not going out, jealous of me being happy, worried I may find someone else - lots of stuff. These things cannot be "reasoned". So I try to use SET to empathise, then try to add perspective. In the end, she's never going to say "OK AB - I support this", so i need to decide MYSELF whether this is "reasonable for us" or not. As a recovering co-dependant - who has been told for years whenever he wants to do something for himself that he's selfish - I just wanted a reality check... .

[Notwendy]

I agree that any triangulating isn't helpful, but I wanted to share that I can relate to the wish for a reality check.

Our arguments were not over two or three evenings a week but even an occasional request to my H to watch the kids so I could do something were met with extreme resistance and a very "logical" and "reasonable" explanation about why I couldn't do that or I'd be a bad wife to him or be neglecting my family.Yet, it seemed my other mom friends would attend a church group, or exercise class, or go for a weekend girl trip while I became increasingly isolated.

This took a toll on my self esteem. So, I could have posted something like "is this reasonable?" not in an attempt to triangulate but as a reality check. It may have been better worded as " have I lost my mind and why can't I do the same things my friends are doing once in a while". "please someone tell me I am not crazy".

Going from two nights a week to three isn't such a great deal for the spouse taking care of the kids. Yet, these kinds of things can be worked out- if arranging for watching the kids and couple time together is the issue. But if a spouse is upset over their spouse wanting to do anything that doesn't include them, I suspect that fear of abandonment is a possible underlying reason.

[Lockjaw]

I think it is unreasonable. You already play a sport, and go out with your friends one night a week. How many nights does she get you one on one?

I say this by explaining my situation. I have a BPD GF. I am single dad with 2 boys I have custody of. She has a special needs son and she and her ex alternate keeping him 2 days on, 2 days off.

My only vice is deer hunting. Its deer season here, and so, on my off weekends with the kids, obviously, I want to go. She, however, wants us to go out on a date. If I get up and hunt all day, then she has to "wait" on me to get home and shower and get ready, which puts us starting a date at 7pm. Since I got up early, I usually will doze off it we go to a movie, or watch one at home after we go out to eat. That doesn't make her feel very special.

So what I try to do is go out for something inexpensive friday night, I hunt saturday AM, and come back, try to take a nap, and be ready for us to go out between 2 and 4. Then I don't go sunday morning, but may go that afternoon. Obviously if it rains, then I will spend the whole weekend with her. And if she needed me to, I would forgo hunting, but it would need to be on my record if you know what I mean.

And I hope one of these days she will decide to go with me. We will probably end up making out in the shooting house though. LOL!

Spend some time with your wife. Make her feel special.