Saving mariage after she left me for another

[bubimir]

Hello,

So this is what happened. My wife told me after 9 years of marriage she is in love with a friend of mine (her massage tutor). She won't accept her having poblems, and blames me for everything. I admit that i was distant, and did not pay enough attention to my kids or her. We have 2 kids, one with ASD. After 3 moths she wanted back, but i did not want to at the time. After some time, we started having sex and talking about reconciliation. I made some mistakes that made her question the decision to be with me again. She does not want to give up her "friend", because he brings her peace. What he says is "i will accapt and do anything she wants me to".
She loves that, i know, but this can't be good for her, or our children. I know there is still hope for us if i educate myself, but she idealize him so much, and i do everything wrong. Advice please... .Everything is at stake... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stayingsteady]

bubimir,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.  I can understand how difficult it can be when a situation like this occurs.

As hard as it is, try not to hold yourself too accountable for her actions.  While our actions may influence another person, the other individual is still free to finalize their own choices. 

I know she believes you're completely at fault.  While this is an incorrect belief, she may be overwhelmingly compelled to believe this to prevent herself from feeling she is a "bad person".  As hard as it is, be very careful in dealing with her faults right now.  It could increase her drive to avoid you.

As you stated, your wife loves it when someone will "accept and do anything she wants".  And you're right.  It's not healthy for either of them.

I would really suggest marriage counseling.  A marriage counselor is a great mediator that will help both of you right now.  It would also be the right place to bring up these concerns and may open the way for change.

I do hope for you the best

- Staying Steady

[Turkish]

She told you he said that,  or did he tell it to you? If he told it to you,  how did you respond?

[bubimir]

Thank you, Staying Steady... .

She refuses counseling. This guy that i was talking about loves eastern philosophies and teaches her that. He wants to be near her all the time, and is hanging out at her place smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee for hours at the time. Every time i come in, they sit in the kitchen, and children play by them selves. She enjoys this because he is accepting and doing everything she says.

[bubimir]

She told you he said that,  or did he tell it to you? If he told it to you,  how did you respond?

He told me. In front of her. I told him that i will not do the anything she asks without questioning. She told us she can't decide between us. That she needs time... .I have feeling she is lying and is some thing more than a friend with him. That is how their last love afair started 9 months ago.

What do i do? I don't want to occupy her time just so she can see him less. I don't think this is a solution, but he lached on,  and she likes the attention. Should i tell her that she has to choose and i will not tolerate her spending so much time with another man if she wants to be with me?