Is this considered abuse?

[Myheadisspinning]

I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for five years. He has three daughters , one of whom has been diagnosed with BPD and the other two have symptoms but not formerly diagnosed. His brother has been diagnosed with sex addiction, alcoholism and abandonment issues and his sister is also an alcoholic. So lots o dysfunction in the genes. My fiance is not an alcoholic but has serious anger issues. Between the outbursts he is the nicest most caring person and everyone who meets him immediately likes him as he is very charming and handsome. I love him but the anger outbursts have gotten worse. They happen about once a month. He goes into a rage. Today he asked if he could go do some woodworking, I said sure and, it being Sunday, I asked if we would be doing anything together later in the day. He exploded. As is typical for his explosions he storms out of the room and screams F this and F that and slams doors and sometimes smacks his head into the wall. He never does this in front of me but loud enough so I hear it in the next room. It makes my heart race and I'm scared. He never threatens me but just being in the same house scares me. After he cools down he will say that he felt frustrated because he thinks that if I ask him if we can have plans later that I am not really happy with him do his woodworking. I told him that that makes no sense and it's in his head. I tell him that I will not take the blame for his violent behavior and he tells me that yelling and cursing in another room is not violent or abusive. Is it not?

[Warcleods]

There's no such thing as dysfunctional genes.  The family clearly has some moral and social issues that they've passed along to their offspring.  Every once in a while, you'll find a human being that comes from a dysfunctional family and they're actually pretty normal and in touch with things.  Don't be hopeful though, we often reap what we sow and it's not by the fault of anyone.  Some people only know dysfunction and they raise their kids the same way they were raised.  It's a generational issue.

[formflier]

I tell him that I will not take the blame for his violent behavior and he tells me that yelling and cursing in another room is not violent or abusive. Is it not?

You get to think and believe what you want about it.  As does he.

Energy spent by you to convince him to believe something else about it is likely wasted energy.

Focus your energy on your responses to these outbursts, with the understanding that he likely "gets something" from your response.  So... .deny him what he is "looking for".

FF

[Myheadisspinning]

There's no such thing as dysfunctional genes. 

Sorry but you're wrong. According to NIMH BPD is about five times more likely to occur if a person has a close family member (first-degree biological relatives) with the disorder.

[formflier]

Sorry but you're wrong. According to NIMH BPD is about five times more likely to occur if a person has a close family member (first-degree biological relatives) with the disorder.

But... .is it genetic or is it because people in the family have the same environment...

If they were able to do a twins separated at birth thing, that might be relevant.  My take is that relationships people are exposed to in formative years matters most.  That is usually driven by biology and FOO... .because most people are raised by those that give them their genetics.

And, for our purposes... .does this matter?

What matters is how they behave

FF

[KateCat]

. . . . he tells me that yelling and cursing in another room is not violent or abusive.

Here's a peculiar trick that works for me: Tell him to let you know when he is going to yell and curse in another room, so that you can leave before he begins.

My husband and your fiance may not have the same disorder, but what this procedure does for me is 1) indicate that I know the score; 2) indicate that I know he knows the score; 3) place the ball in his court; 4) and change the game.

I never would have tried something like this before learning about boundaries on this forum. That boundaries are "for us" and not for "the other person."

[Myheadisspinning]

Here's a peculiar trick that works for me: Tell him to let you know when he is going to yell and curse in another room, so that you can leave before he begins.

My husband and your fiance may not have the same disorder, but what this procedure does for me is 1) indicate that I know the score; 2) indicate that I know he knows the score; 3) place the ball in his court; 4) and change the game.

I never would have tried something like this before learning about boundaries on this forum. That boundaries are "for us" and not for "the other person."

thank you, I'm definitely going to try that!

[ArleighBurke]

Your original question "Is this considered abuse" is actually irrelevant.

It doesn't matter whether it's abuse or not - if you feel threatened, worried, whatever by his behaviour, then you need to do <something> to protect yourself. (This is setting a boundary).

You can say: when you yell/scream/selfharm I feel unsafe - so I will not remain in your presense until you calm down. This is not asking him to do change or do anything different - so he can't disagree with you! You are retaining the power. You are simply telling him how you feel, and what you need to do to protect yourself.

[formflier]

To attempt to answer the original question:

I think abuse is more of a spectrum thing, vice a yes or no. 

I'm going to say yes it is abusive, but I'm going to put it fairly low down on the spectrum.

If we could ever figure out that he actually didn't care if you heard it or not... .then I would change my answer to "it's not abuse".

My best guess is that he understands that his behaviors scares you and he gets something out of it.  In other words he is intentionally causing you fear for his benefit.   Yep... that is emotional abuse in my book, and I suppose in the books of many others.

However... .be clear that this is a situation where his "motivations matter", because right now... .we just don't know.  Even though we have a good idea.

A more clear example of emotional abuse would be if you say "I'm happy" and he says... "no you're not... you hate me and always lie to me.  Clearly your are mad, if you were Happy you would do xyz"

In that last example, we have no need for motivations.  It's clearly aimed at you and is more clearly abusive.

Hope that clears things up.

Thoughts?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

As others have said, the question of whether it is abuse or not isn't where I'd focus... .although it is close enough, I would guess.

As is typical for his explosions he storms out of the room and screams F this and F that and slams doors and sometimes smacks his head into the wall. He never does this in front of me but loud enough so I hear it in the next room. It makes my heart race and I'm scared.

For one thing, the fact that he leaves the room, and doesn't target the rage directly AT you is a (relatively) good thing. At least it would be worse if he directed the rage right at you and/or stayed in the room with you when he did it.

But don't let yourself get trapped in mind games of the form: "It could be worse if he did X instead, so there is something wrong with me for being upset about Y."

The point is that you feel uncomfortable and unsafe at this time. You don't deserve that.

Please take care of yourself and protect yourself, instead of staying in that situation.

I would suggest that in response to this rage, you go far enough away that you can't hear him shouting and slamming. Maybe you have to leave the house. Go to a coffee shop, the grocery store, visit a friend or neighbor, take a short walk, whatever works for you. Or maybe you just need to a safe part of the house, or out to the garage or the yard.

Wherever you go, take long enough that you calm down, your heartrate goes back to normal. I'd suggest being away for a minimum of 15-20 minutes, because you both are having an adrenaline reaction, and it takes that long for it to really clear out of your bloodstream.

[formflier]

 
Seriously... .focus on the time.   I used to take 3 mile walks to calm.

I would be convinced after 1 mile that the walk was a failure... .somewhere between 2 and 3 the world got better.  Worked every time.


Since we don't know how he will react when you start leaving, please have a go bag ready.  Clothes, money, basic toiletries. 

Assume you will spend night at hotel or friends house... .and what would you need, so you don't have to go back in your house.

Having a go bag and being prepared will hopefully make you more comfortable using it.

FF