Does it mean much if my ex is not being very showy about her new relationship?

[Curiously1]

Does it mean much if my uBPD/NPD ex is not being very showy about her new relationship?

I remember last year when she idealised me, it was all over social media how great I make her feel etc.

Could there be any reason why she is keeping quiet and not doing the same for this new gf?

I added her on Skype recently, impulsively, she did not answer the Skype call but she accepted my friends request.

We have not spoken. She has not rubbed it in my face that she is with somebody new. Just radio silence. I'd like to assume she is still attached to me in some way to accept my friends request.

I heard the news from her now ex friend that she used after she discarded me. Her now ex friend told me that her new partner and her went on a trip abroad etc. now share a bank account and just getting settled down with one another really quickly.

Ex friend also told me that  my uBPD/NPDexgf told her to 'get in my head' last time there was a triangulation between her friend and I to make me believe there was more going on than there truly was. So she really wasn't my true replacement like I initially thought... but she was still there for my ex to use in other ways. Ex friend of hers confirmed that my ex did not love her, they never got into a relationshp after my ex and I broke up and that she was just hurting me too because she was loyal to my ex at the time and before my ex mistreated/abused her.


My second break up with my uBPD/NPDexgf has only been 6 months and to be honest, could not believe she found someone that quickly. Ex friend of hers said that she began talking to this new gf online since July so possibly near the end of our break up or a few weeks after. My exes friend told me that she officially met up with her new gf some time in October and then my ex left interstate early November.

Her friend hasn't met the new partner, but had opportunity to but declined. my exes friend also said that the new partner might not even exist, that we cant be certain shes real but yeah she could very well exist too. (I was explaining the whole lovebombing thing to her and how its strange my ex isn't being obvious on her social media that shes found someone new and how that made me wonder why... ).

Everything just happened so fast. The person apparently is more well-established than me and has more $$ but yeah, I just found it so strange she didn't come and tell me or for me to **** off when I rang her.

As mentioned before... she had to move town too after she graduated cos there isnt much job opportunity for her here where I live.

I'd like to think I am still "special" but perhaps that is too foolish of me?

Do PDs have preferred supply or are all narcissistic supply equal?

Before I went NC on her 6 months ago, she said she would consider me in future but right now does not want me because I cannot change (she cannot control me) and cannot see that I will change anytime soon.

I remember telling her I wanted to try again at the time and she said perhaps she will consider it but not anytime soon cos im too immature etc. She liked the idea of getting married and all of that...

Im using this time apart to continue healing and moving on but yeah, I still haven't quiet let her go... but the longer we are apart the better it is going to be for me in the long run.

I am looking for better and hopefully the more we stay NC I can pretty much discard that future thing we spoke about once I am completely dettached from her emotionally. I am guessing that is what she is thinking too? Knowing her, she isn't sure whether her new r/s is going to last or not... .other-wise why would she accept my friends request?

Any ideas why she didnt tell me she's in a new relationship?

[TyroneWiggums]

I'd like to think I am still "special" but perhaps that is too foolish of me?

I know there's a lot of clinicians on the site who can answer this far better than I, but in my own therapy, in my own experience during the relationship, and in the umpteen posts I've seen on the site, you were special.  Now? 

Every so often - irregularly - my ex would reminisce about past boyfriends; how in love she was with them; how she regretted the way she had treated them, etc. My understanding through the grapevine is that she's on a recycle with a boyfriend from over a decade ago, so in my situation the man she left in one of the most horrific ways I've ever heard of is back in her life.  Why she would go back, and why he would ever, ever take her back, are part and parcel of her mental makeup. 

Further, I was "the love of [her] life," just like so many other posters have written.  Her family loved me.  Her friends told me all the time I was the best thing to ever happen to her.  It didn't stop the discard from happening literally in the space of a few weeks; I went from being her one and only true love to being dropped on my head literally overnight; the only reason it took weeks was so that she could reorganize her life before hitting the road. 

Do PDs have preferred supply or are all narcissistic supply equal?

Again, not a clinician so feel like I need to tread lightly, but anecdotally, her boyfriend immediately prior to me was the alpha of alpha males - handsome, fit, loving, kind, hilarious, incredibly smart, a 1%er on the income scale, the envy of so many of her girlfriends - and she ran over him like an 18 wheeler in the discard.  His kryptonite?  He worked too much and was, according to her, lousy in bed.  The old boyfriend she went back to is about as beta as they come - short and chubby, dead end job, a bit of a stalker - but he's available and she feels in control back in that relationship. 

The two could not be more disparate, but each represented/represents what she needed at the time, just as I represented what she needed when we were together.  It's a long-winded way of saying that, at least with my pwBPD, supply was directly linked to what she needed at that specific time in her life, such that we weren't equal but that we played the part.

Any ideas why she didnt tell me she's in a new relationship?

Related to your broader question about social media, the Alpha from the previous section had a ton of overlapping friends with my ex, such that broadcasting our relationship was socially dicey.  I remember posting something on Facebook maybe four months into our relationship and her immediately untagging herself and sending me very angry text message.  And, her relationship with the very old flame is on the dl, in part because a lot of her friends and family are still in disbelief that we're no longer together, and worse, because so many of her friends would throw in the towel if they knew the two of them had reunited. 

I hope something I wrote here helps.  It's hard as hell because the behaviors are so bizarre and so inexplicable and yet this is the person we loved with every fiber of our being.  I hope that you're able to make peace with all of this and realize that no matter how much we loved our partners, they didn't love us in anything remotely resembling healthy, adult love.  We want that person we fell in love with to return to us; problem is, that person was, for the most part, a construct.  I believe they love(d) us, but not in a way that would ever make us happy long-term.

Just remember, not your problem any more; she may live happily ever after, she may not, but if she does live happily ever after it's because her partner is ok with all the issues that caused our relationships to end in the first place.

[Curiously1]

Thank you TyroneWiggums for your reply!

I'd like to think I was special... her ex friend thinks I was special to her too but it also made me wonder whether thinking I am still special to her is going to make it harder for me to move on...

"I didn't break her, I alone cannot fix her", I keep reminding myself now and again.

Discussing what happened from our perspectives with her ex friend was eye opening for me too. All this time I thought my ex went back to that the friend as my replacement and kept comparing myself to her... believing I was better for her and how could she leave me for her etc. (A bit of ego there). Which was actually the case that I was right... she didn't get over me easily and it was just my ex getting back at me because that is what she does. She never forgives and hurts me in mostly covert ways. It was her way of controlling me emotionally.

Every so often - irregularly - my ex would reminisce about past boyfriends; how in love she was with them; how she regretted the way she had treated them, etc. My understanding through the grapevine is that she's on a recycle with a boyfriend from over a decade ago, so in my situation the man she left in one of the most horrific ways I've ever heard of is back in her life.  Why she would go back, and why he would ever, ever take her back, are part and parcel of her mental makeup.  

When I was together with my ex she never mentioned her exes unless I asked about them. It's like she completely forgot about most of them so most were probably not that meaningful to begin with, she has suppressed memories of them and or they weren't together for that long (I was her longest relationship).
I remember during our first break up and when she was trying to date others before she came back to me... she would talk badly of me and how much I hurt her and that I am psycho etc. So I assume that is possibly what she is going to tell her new partner, something negative otherwise will not mention me at all.

Further, I was "the love of [her] life," just like so many other posters have written.  Her family loved me.  Her friends told me all the time I was the best thing to ever happen to her.  It didn't stop the discard from happening literally in the space of a few weeks; I went from being her one and only true love to being dropped on my head literally overnight; the only reason it took weeks was so that she could reorganize her life before hitting the road.  

That's how I felt too. Whether it was planned or not, she was reorganising her life, preparing to leave because well, she was graduating soon and will have had to leave either way. The plan last time was for me to move interstate with her but she just decided overnight that she had enough of me because I spoke to her after 12AM... when she was fully awake and just finished playing videogames on the computer. She said that speaking to her really late reminded her of the times I had deprived her of sleep apparently and that's a dealbreaker. Everything was fine for about 2 weeks and then yes, she just decided that was the end for us and she cannot cope emotionally with me around. All the good times did not stop a discard for something I thought was so petty too.

Again, not a clinician so feel like I need to tread lightly, but anecdotally, her boyfriend immediately prior to me was the alpha of alpha males - handsome, fit, loving, kind, hilarious, incredibly smart, a 1%er on the income scale, the envy of so many of her girlfriends - and she ran over him like an 18 wheeler in the discard.  His kryptonite?  He worked too much and was, according to her, lousy in bed.  The old boyfriend she went back to is about as beta as they come - short and chubby, dead end job, a bit of a stalker - but he's available and she feels in control back in that relationship.  

Not to sound arrogant but I was the prettiest girlfriend she ever had- according to her. She never really insulted or put down anything about me apart from try to convince me that I was paranoid and crazy when I would question her on some squirelly things or things she has done or said that I thought were unacceptable and that we needed to discuss. The fact that I call her out on things makes me crazy to her. Everytime I had a differing opinion to her, she would tell me that I was splitting her black and why did I do that when everything was fine beforehand etc. She convinced me to go to therapy and to check if I have BPD and I did all of that. She eventually convinced me that I could possible be 'crazy'. She got me so worried and I self-doubted so much.

When we broke up the first time, she left for a month and tried with her now ex friend that I mentioned earlier. She couldn't stand her for a week or so and just ended it. I started thinking about what the friend had that I didn't etc. Shouldn't really compare or think were better than somebody else but it just happens when you've been dumped. She would say all these horrible things about her friend, how she was so unattractive etc. and yet she still tried with her and my head was spinning as to why and that perhaps I was the crazy one and she was right all along.

Like you, she went with what she wanted at the time. She couldnt handle me at the time so she could easily get rid of me like nothing mattered and go with the friend. Then later down she somehow regretted what she did and came back to me. I don't think she regretted though. I think she wanted both of our attention whether she had a preference or not. I don't know.

The two could not be more disparate, but each represented/represents what she needed at the time, just as I represented what she needed when we were together.  It's a long-winded way of saying that, at least with my pwBPD, supply was directly linked to what she needed at that specific time in her life, such that we weren't equal but that we played the part.

I think this is was my uBPD/NPDexgf is like too. All her exes are apparently all very different people. Not much similarities apparently... .but we all played a part. Makes me think that perhaps when she was trying to reorganise her life she would have preferred somebody new than me because I would have to stay in my town to finish my degree. I don't know. Like, she needed an attachment while she is gone so its better to just dump me... out of circumstances for now or permanently. I don't know. Again, it's because I'm holding on a little still. The whole, I am special to her thing. I was the only one she ever ran back to and she never had with any other ex story in my head. She might have made that up too or why does it even matter know that she is gone.

Related to your broader question about social media, the Alpha from the previous section had a ton of overlapping friends with my ex, such that broadcasting our relationship was socially dicey.  I remember posting something on Facebook maybe four months into our relationship and her immediately untagging herself and sending me very angry text message.  And, her relationship with the very old flame is on the dl, in part because a lot of her friends and family are still in disbelief that we're no longer together, and worse, because so many of her friends would throw in the towel if they knew the two of them had reunited.

So caring about how it looks to their public image? and how other people we may not know exists are affected by certain news about their relationships. That makes sense.
That must have been really hurtful. Feeling like you are a secret.
I started thinking that maybe she didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me (again cos I think I'm special) but she has hurt me in the past and deliberately so by getting with her ex friend to make me jealous and upset etc. So it probably has nothing to do with me... or some. I don't know.
 

I hope something I wrote here helps.  It's hard as hell because the behaviors are so bizarre and so inexplicable and yet this is the person we loved with every fiber of our being.  I hope that you're able to make peace with all of this and realize that no matter how much we loved our partners, they didn't love us in anything remotely resembling healthy, adult love.  We want that person we fell in love with to return to us; problem is, that person was, for the most part, a construct.  I believe they love(d) us, but not in a way that would ever make us happy long-term.

Just remember, not your problem any more; she may live happily ever after, she may not, but if she does live happily ever after it's because her partner is ok with all the issues that caused our relationships to end in the first place.

Thank you for sharing your story, it does help. Theres a lot of similarities weve gone through.
We did everything we could, we did not give up on them and yet they can just drop us... just like that... even when things aren't going so badly etc.
I will never know for sure how much I meant to her... that's for sure. I wasn't completely happy with her but I still am emotionally attached. I am at the point where I know that I don't need her, know that I will be ok without her but still miss her (the her when times were good) being a part of my life.

She might reappear one day, she might not... Either way, I hope by that time I have fully recovered and that the next time she sees me, I am a whole new improved person and she sees how great I'm doing. And if I'm with someone else... that she sees what she missed out on.

[TyroneWiggums]

Not to sound arrogant but I was the prettiest girlfriend she ever had- according to her.

I too was many a superlative (according to her) for my ex. The frustrating part is how our self-esteem can be so utterly demolished in these breakups.  You're a beautiful, caring woman, and I can't imagine that it'd be hard for you to find another beautiful caring woman who loves you to death when you're ready.  Don't let all the gaslighting get to you.

I hope by that time I have fully recovered and that the next time she sees me, I am a whole new improved person and she sees how great I'm doing. And if I'm with someone else... that she sees what she missed out on.

I hope that you're fully recovered and an even better version of yourself for YOU!  That's my goal as well.

As far as your second sentence, from personal experience, her seeing a parade of beautiful, successful, amazing women may, at best, only prompt her to attempt a recycle with the only goal of knowing she still has power over you on the way to yet another discard.

Funny story: I posted a pic of a woman I'd been dating for a few months on IG, forgetting how intertwined our social media lives still are.  Her best friend's husband commented "#babe" on my account, forgetting how rarely I use the site and not realizing it was my IG account.  I only know this because it popped up my on phone, and he had immediately deleted the like and the comment within a few minutes.  An hour later, I get a text from the ex "who is that b*tch?"  I responded that I didn't turn into a monk because she left, and that if she'd like to open a dialogue about reconciling she was more than welcome to do so.  We started a conversation, but it was more about the fact that I was with other women who were every bit as beautiful as she was, she just didn't like it.

 I try to keep my personal life off of social media now, but from time to time I'll be in a group photo beside a date or an FWB and it'll get back to me that the ex is mad.  She doesn't want me back, she just thought she would own me for the rest of my life.  In a way, she's not wrong (yet), but I'm working on detaching every single day.

The reality is, you don't need to tell your ex what's she missing out on; if she were self aware and honest and could face reality she would already know.  And, down the road, barring massive amounts of therapy, it inevitably will dawn on her and trigger even more guilt and shame and kick off more cycles of push and pull with her current partners.

Thanks for your story; yours helps me as much as I've hopefully let you know you're nowhere close to being alone.

[once removed]

I'd like to think I am still "special" but perhaps that is too foolish of me?

it isnt foolish of you. it sounds to me like the nature and focus of your wounds, which is driving your thoughts and questions toward "am i/was i special". which makes a lot of sense when youre placed on a pedestal and dropped off traumatically. being on the receiving end of effective mirroring can be a very powerful thing.

i should know. i searched for confirmation that i was special. that my ex was second guessing jumping into a new relationship. i reassured myself of the impact id had.

its a difficult wound to detach from. what does "special" in this context mean to you, Curiously1?

[apollotech]

Curiously1,

Yes, you are special and unique. You don't need another human being to validate that truth! Don't lash your "self" to that falsehood.

[Curiously1]

Funny story: I posted a pic of a woman I'd been dating for a few months on IG, forgetting how intertwined our social media lives still are.  Her best friend's husband commented "#babe" on my account, forgetting how rarely I use the site and not realizing it was my IG account.  I only know this because it popped up my on phone, and he had immediately deleted the like and the comment within a few minutes.  An hour later, I get a text from the ex "who is that b*tch?"  I responded that I didn't turn into a monk because she left, and that if she'd like to open a dialogue about reconciling she was more than welcome to do so.  We started a conversation, but it was more about the fact that I was with other women who were every bit as beautiful as she was, she just didn't like it.

She doesn't want me back, she just thought she would own me for the rest of my life.  In a way, she's not wrong (yet), but I'm working on detaching every single day.

The reality is, you don't need to tell your ex what's she missing out on; if she were self aware and honest and could face reality she would already know.  And, down the road, barring massive amounts of therapy, it inevitably will dawn on her and trigger even more guilt and shame and kick off more cycles of push and pull with her current partners.

Yeah they want to own us it seems but they don't seem to have the capacity to appreciate or value us. I have no idea if my ex will care when I have completely moved on and found somebody else. Keep reminding myself, why do I care so much about what she thinks or her reaction still. I also try to remember that just cos this new partner has already graduated and has everything established for them, doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. I wonder how long this one with last... I keep thinking silly things like she will treat her better because she has $$$.

it isnt foolish of you. it sounds to me like the nature and focus of your wounds, which is driving your thoughts and questions toward "am i/was i special". which makes a lot of sense when youre placed on a pedestal and dropped off traumatically. being on the receiving end of effective mirroring can be a very powerful thing.

i should know. i searched for confirmation that i was special. that my ex was second guessing jumping into a new relationship. i reassured myself of the impact id had.

its a difficult wound to detach from. what does "special" in this context mean to you, Curiously1?

I'd like to believe that being with her for the longest and just the caring person that I am makes me special. That I understand her the most etc.  Most of all, being special means being appreciated and valued for who I am and not what I have or just based on looks. I thought she did value me at the beginning. I'm still studying and don't have my life completely together yet so was a bit insecure about that but I was convinced before that she liked me for who I am because I didn't have a lot of $$ or anything material-wise she could get from me etc. That's when I started to believe she truly loved me for me. I wanted to feel like a priority to her and that her decisions and actions considered my feelings too. That would have made me feel more special and important to her.

Curiously1,

Yes, you are special and unique. You don't need another human being to validate that truth! Don't lash your "self" to that falsehood.

You're absolutely right. I need to stop looking for validation from her to have me believe that someone will find me loveable and worth staying with. Just because she let me go like a piece of trash doesn't make me so.

[once removed]

I wanted to feel like a priority to her and that her decisions and actions considered my feelings too. That would have made me feel more special and important to her.

i think its important to explore actions vs words.

i struggled with similar thoughts. i was, at the time, my exes longest boyfriend. i encouraged her to get back to school which launched her career. i was present with her when her grandfather died. in many ways, i was closer to her than anyone else, and at the time, im sure vice versa.

as far as actions go, she lined up my replacement before we were broken up. she painted me black, and she stole from me. and she was with my replacement about a year longer than me.

our contributions and impact on our exes were great things that we can self validate. we only have so much control over how much of an impact long term that it made.

in other words, Curiously1, i agree with apollotech, and i agree with your latest post. you dont need validation from her to consider yourself special.

it was a turning point for me when i began to let go of the concept of whether or not i was special to her. the truth is probably complex (it was for me). it is a deep ego (neutral sense of the word ego) wound, and no easy task to detach from. it requires facing some hard facts, grieving, and rebuilding your self confidence and self esteem (which will be far stronger than before). treating Curiously1 like she deserves to be treated.

have you reviewed the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck lately: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality