The pain never ends

[Null]

We were only together for a few months, she told me very early on that she has BPD (diagnosed).

It was pretty clear early on that I was just a rebound, she'd tell me she loved me and wanted to be with me, but would also constantly talk about her exes.

She would constantly criticise me and tell me I wasn't good enough, the way I walked, talked, thought, dressed, not romantic enough, my interests, job, etc.

About a month in she told me "If you don't make more money I wouldn't really see any point in being with you". I broke up with her for that, it was clear that she didn't care about me.

We got back together about a week later, I was ambivalent and suspected she was seeing other guys. She told me "I stopped seeing other guys when I started seeing you" and "things aren't going well for me in my life right now, so I'll take what I can get" (me).

We had a recurring argument where I would express that I didn't feel like she actually liked me, she'd tell me to shut up, that she was sick of me questioning her about it and that it was upsetting.

There were a lot of things she wouldn't talk to me about, legal issues, money issues, her past, parties where she'd get incredibly drunk.

She told me "I can get anyone I want, if we broke up I'd just find someone else"

The last time I saw her is when we became "official". Even on that day I could see her doubt.

After that, she avoided me. Every time I tried to talk to her she'd rage at me, tell me she needed space, that she was busy (exams). She would tell me to come over only at really inconvenient hours and get mad that I wouldn't. I kept asking when her exams finished, she never answered me.

After that it was only sporadic contact for a few months, she'd post pictures online of her dating other guys.

Eventually she messaged me with a real breakup, she had a bunch of excuses like "we weren't that serious" and "you can date multiple people at the same time" but the subtext was that she had cheated on me and she knew it. She listed a lot of reasons that basically amounted to "you're not good enough"

A month later, she texted me to hang out as friends, but I declined. The pictures of my replacement were deleted.

______


I spent months constantly feeling every day like I was going to break down crying. I've probably read everything there is to read about BPD.

I ended up going to the doctor, went on antidepressants and saw a psychologist. Nothing helps.

Constant rumination about how I never mattered, just a temporary boyfriend, she cheated on me and tossed me into the trash.

Where others can insulate themselves from the pain by calling them crazy or blaming the disorder, I feel I understand her too well. The brutal truth is that she just doesn't care about me and never did.

So many things she did feel like they were designed to hurt me. I don't trust her and I don't feel safe.

I miss her so much, but she cares nothing for me.

[Turkish]

There are a lot of things you threw out here,  some clear, maybe others not so.  I don't want to assume anything,  so I'll ask, what do you understand about her too well?

[Null]

what do you understand about her too well?

It's hard to explain, but I suppose you could say I have similar issues? In the vein that I can relate to abandonment/enmeshment fears and trust issues. A fearful avoidant attachment style. My psychologist ruled out me having a personality disorder, but I can understand where she comes from.

[Turkish]

I can see where that might be tough.  Meaning,  you are self aware and working on yourself to know,  but may be struggling because you might think that she is capable of doing the same, with your support,  even if it isn't explicit. Maybe like,  "hey,  I know how you're struggling. I do too for some of the same reasons." Is that something like how you may feel,  even if you don't say it? She doesn't sound like she's close to the same level of self awareness.