I Can't Believe How Much I Miss Her

[Duped 1]

I am almost 3 mos no contact after lashing out at her drunk twice via email following the breakup. She had her kids contact me both times and tell me to leave her alone. I have SO MUCH guilt over this. A couple days prior to the breakup she said we would be together forever and told me if we broke up that she wouldn't be dating for the longest time because no one could ever compare to me and she needed time to self reflect (she is not capable of self reflection because EVERYTHING is someone else's fault) and heal. We were together for two years and she applied heavy pressure to marry her for much of that time.  I had been walking on eggshells and clearly addicted for a long time. Anyway a few days after saying we would be together forever she told me to "shut up" for no apparent reason on her way over on the phone. The next morning she said we are done forever and within days she is with a new guy and blocked my phone.

I don't understand why I stayed with her as long as I did. She is high functioning with no cutting, physical abuse,  or infidelity and has a good job and is financially responsible but exhibits all of the other signs.

I cannot believe how much I miss her even with the lying and betrayal and how poorly she treated me and I can't believe how cold the discard was and how quickly she moved on. Regardless of how messed up the relationship was (and it was awful as I didn't know what I was dealing with and would consistently fight back and she would cry while she was at home and we would have text wars and she demonized me to her family and I am now the nasty abusive villain) she was still my best friend for two years and I just cannot believe how cold she was and that I will never hear from her again considering what we were to each other. It doesn't help that I have to drive by her house to go to town and my replacement's vehicle is almost always there. He doesn't know it yet, but there is quite a storm coming his way following the idolization period.

Any suggestions?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Duped,

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things really do get better. They do.    Three months feels like an eternity when we are hurting. At 3 months out, I think I was still stunned by the about-face that had just happened to me.

The grieving process is difficult and missing her is totally understandable. It's okay to miss her, especially if you can really allow yourself to feel that loss. And it IS a loss; a big one.

I encourage you to feel, every time the emotions wash over you, and especially focus on physical sensations. Focus on those, and let the stories in your head become background noise, if you can. I also suggest avoiding things and activities that remind you of her. I realize that is hard when she lives so close by, but take the scenic route if you have to, lock down your social media, consider blocking, etc., if you haven't already. As a temporary measure, it can help to just get your head out of her business.

Try your best to be present for yourself. Try not to "abandon" yourself—by directing your precious mental and emotional energy toward her and her new boyfriend—because you need your undivided attention right now. 

heartandwhole

[Duped 1]

Thanks heartandhole. She blocked me and my family from everything. She even had her ex husband block me on Facebook. Unfortunately I have a very good memory and we were together a lot so nearly anywhere I go conjures up memories of her. I still am just shocked at how she could discard me like she did and move on like it was nothing while lying about it. It's like she never knew me at all. The lack of empathy and humanity is truly disturbing. I have to remind myself how incredibly difficult it was to deal with her on a day to day basis and what a miserable and horrible person she is. I was walking on Eggshells for a long time and became so unhealthy.

[Hisaccount]

I often say that I have a really good memory too and it sucks.
Very hard to focus on the bad memories when we need to.

I got a fortune cookie that says "A good memory is fine but the ability to forget is the one true test of greatness. "

Remember it is miserable living with them. Trying so hard, begging and pleading for attention from them. Wanting so desperately the love they showered on us in the beginning. The constant rejection. The hurtful things they constantly said to us. The look of disappointment in their eyes when they look at us. The break downs. The constant validating.

We feel like this because we are chasing a false relationship, one they are not capable of maintaining.

[seeperplexed]

Unfortunately I have a very good memory and we were together a lot so nearly anywhere I go conjures up memories of her. I still am just shocked at how she could discard me like she did and move on like it was nothing while lying about it.

I empathize with you entirely. It's funny, I stopped taking Klonopin, an anti-anxiety med, because it was causing me to struggle with my memory and concentration, but when I look back on my 15 month relationship with my BPDex, I can vividly remember the most bizarre and insignificant things. We travelled a great deal and that has been the hardest thing to overcome. I can remember everything. I have reason to believe she has completely pushed all the good stuff out of her mind (or to the darkest recesses of the subconscious) much like your ex has likely done so that she is able to move on more quickly and avoid horrible pain. It is awful. Indescribable, really.

[lovenature]

Hey Duped

My ex. lives across the street from me, in fact I heard her today while clearing snow, and I have seen what I think is my replacements vehicle parked in front of my house; I walk down the sidewalk with my head turned so I don't see her place and vehicle, I have triggers all over the place.
It was tougher than usual today for me, I wish so much that my ex. could have accepted my unconditional love and gotten the help she needs. Sadly the cycle of BPD will repeat with her latest attachment.

Maintain NC as much as possible; the further out you get, the clearer things become.