Just joined the group--adult daughter with BPD (maybe)

[ConfusedInCA]

Just wanted to say hello and tell you a little bit about myself. Seems like a good way to start the new year, which will hit in just over two hours. (I plan to be sound asleep at the time

Briefly, I'm the father of an adult daughter who shows many of the traits of BPD. It's difficult even to write those words, because I love her so much and it almost feels like a betrayal to say it out loud. My therapist recommended "Walking on Eggshells" and it resonates with what's going on in her life, and mine, for that matter.  Therefore, I have decided to adopt the working assumption of BPD as the best option for getting my own life back and also being a healthy, compassionate and appropriate support to her.  The actual diagnosis isn't so important right now, although it could be in the future. I'm simply looking for clarity and answers.

My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her late teens. She has never been diagnosed with BPD. She aggressively disputes the bipolar diagnosis and will not go anywhere near a mental health professional of any kind: "There's nothing wrong with me. You and mom are the ones with the problems!"  Sound familiar? (Her mother and I are divorced but on amicable terms, if not always of one mind about our daughter.)

Her life is difficult right now. She has had trouble holding a job or maintaining relationships and the explanations are usually some variation of: It's not me, he was an a------/she was a b----. Her ego is too tender for her to look at her own behavior, it's excruciating for her. Adding to the complexity of the situation is that her mother is living with metastatic cancer and her prognosis is uncertain.  

My goal is to be a loving and caring father without trying to rescue her, which I have done more than a few times.  I'm approaching retirement age and need to get on with my own life without abandoning her, in other words, set healthy boundaries and continue to be engaged with her in ways that are positive for both of us. She is absolutely precious to me and it is incredibly painful to watch her suffering, even though I realize that I can't "fix" it. I need help to achieve my goal and welcome your thoughts and support. I look forward to getting to know you all better and doing what I can to contribute to the group.

Happy New Year!

ConfusedInCA

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Happy new year, ConfusedinCA!

I'm sorry for the grief that brings you here, and glad you found the site.

My partner's daughter (19) has a similar history to your daughter. Diagnosed bipolar during her teens, though I am certain she is BPD, which is apparently a common co-morbid diagnosis. The correct diagnosis probably matters most when sufferers are looking for clues to their inner turmoil and wanted to find treatment and solutions. Since your daughter is not ready, at least the diagnosis can give you that understanding. Skilled family members can make a big difference. A lot of BPD behaviors are experienced (perhaps triggered) in close intimate relationships, so knowing some relational or communication skills can help -- including validation and asserting boundaries, as you mention.

Validation is a great skill. My favorite version is asking validating questions, which puts accountability back on their shoulders, where it belongs, and gives them a sense of adequacy.

I also find it is helpful to dig deeper into validation skills that address accountability and boundaries, and books like Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning are good, as well as Valerie Porr's book (title escapes me) are good for that. Things like learning that having a calm, neutral face when someone is in a state of heightened emotional arousal can actually be invalidating, leading to more problem behavior instead of less. I've had to learn to be more expressive with my face. More this than this  so to speak.

I also learned that sometimes, limiting exposure is healthy for your BPD loved one. We can be triggers for them, and sometimes, if they are prone to dysregulating over certain topics, it's best to redirect the conversation or take a physical break so they can reset.

What are some of the ways your daughter is struggling most? How does she respond when you say no to her or deny her something? What boundaries does she push the most?

Does she live with you? How often do you see her?

LnL