First Post

[Louise Happy 27]

Hello there.  Oh geez, where to start. I'm in a 20+ yr marriage to BPDH. I discovered this site and bought the book SWOE and finally figured out that I'm not crazy.  Over the years, I have been subjected to yelling, name-calling, threats to leave or take the kids, belittling,  criticism, and his all-time favorite... .the silent treatment. I've been told I'm a bad wife, a bad mother, that I'm stupid (alot), that I don't think, that I should just do what he says, etc.  He has NO respect for me at all.  I stayed home for many years to raise our kids and for that he feels that I OWE him.  Basically, I'm a sub-par person.  I just went through a completely silent Christmas holiday. No words. He wouldn't even speak to me in front of our kids (18 and 21) my mother or his whole family.

I know it's over.  I know I deserve a full and happy life.  But I'm scared.  And I need a better job with benefits.  I feel so trapped.  I'm beyond the paralyzing fear and nausea and disorientation that used to accompany the silent treatment or his threats to leave me.   Now I'm angry and disgusted. 

I'm planning focusing on myself and getting stronger in 2017.  This marriage has wreaked havoc on my health and I'm struggling daily with pain.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[livednlearned]

Wow, 20+ years is a long time (and so is a completely silent Christmas holiday... .)

Does he ever have cycles where he seems tender? Or at least not dysregulated?

What are you focusing on for 2017? How does that look in terms of dealing with your husband?

Glad you found the site and posted

Welcome and hello!

LnL

[ynwa]

Hey Louise,

Thank you for sharing. And let us know what you are thinking just like lived and learned said.

[Louise Happy 27]

Thanks lnl

Yes, he has tender moments (kind of normal,  I guess), but they are less frequent now, because I won't cower or cajole him out of his "bad mood".  I used to beg forgiveness, apologize for stuff I didn't do, and take responsibility for his getting so mad in the first place.  He tells me its my fault that he uses the silent treatment, because he has no choice because I am "unreasonable" or "irrational", etc.  He also has periods... .adoring me where I am the love of his life and can do no wrong (splitting is the term, I think).  I'm starting to get mad now and realize that I deserve a better, calmer life!

I recently got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and it's SO MUCH worse when things are bad with him!  So my focus for 2017 is healthy mind,  healthy body and I'm praying that I will have the strength to take the next step!   

This is such an isolating situation and I so appreciate the support and understanding.  Thank you!

Louise Happy

[smallroom]

Hi Louise,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.  We can all relate in some way and understand how terribly difficult it is.  You aren't alone.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Louise, Welcome!  Yes, it is isolating, but it may help to know that many of us have been in your shoes.  Do you have any trusted family or friends with whom you can confide?  It's easy to lose perspective in a BPD r/s.  No, you're not a bad wife, mother, etc., so don't take those comments to heart.  Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it!  We are here to help.  Do you have any particular questions?  Keep us posted.  LuckyJim

[ACObound]

Hi Louise,  I know you are scared.  20+ years is a long time and it is difficult to see other directions.   I can so relate to apologizing for things I didn't do or spending hours of frustrating "conversation" try to "be right" just this once and often to afraid to walk away from the argument.   As many have said, you are not alone.  So glad to see you are committed to getting stronger in 2017.  It is a great group that you're talking to.