12 Years Later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

With much help from these forums 12 years ago, I successfully dealt with the pain and trauma of being in a BPD relationship that ended with me getting dumped (replaced) by my former high-functioning BPD girlfriend. At that time, I had never even heard of BPD but, with the support of this site and a world-class therapist, I have now learned much about it and myself.

Since then, I've had two healthy, mutually loving relationship. While we are no longer together, our separations were not as a result of dysfunction. Careers, family obligations, and other complications of midlife prevented us from moving forward as life partners, but we are still close and valued friends.

Then, about a month ago, WHAM! Out of nowhere, I found myself deeply in love with my dream girl and soulmate. She was everything I had been looking for--intelligent, successful, beautiful, sexy, kind, and loving. Better still, she found me handsome, irresistible, and perfect in every way. It was a match made in Heaven . . . or was it?

While I never imagined once again being susceptible to this type of dysfunctional relationship, there I was right back in the middle of one. Fortunately, armed with the knowledge and experience I've gained in the last 13 years, I recognized the signs very quickly and broke it off. She continues to pursue me but, as luck would have it, we work together and she can't risk word of her desperate and irrational attempts to reconcile getting out. So, she's been persistent but non-threatening and not over the top.

There's no chance of me falling prey to her but I needed to come back here for grounding. I needed to be reminded of how easily it is to be enticed by someone with BPD traits and how devastating and hopeless having a relationship with them is.

While I'm proud of myself for recognizing the traits and terminating things before becoming enmeshed, I'm a little rattled at how easily I, once again, took the bait. The enticement of the illusion of perfect love is a powerful one and I guess I'm still needy enough to fall for it. We were only romantically together for less than a month but breaking up has been as painful as anything I have endured. I guess, for the second painful time in my life, I've broken up with a dream and not a person.

Again, in spite of the pain, there's no chance of getting drawn in thanks to all that I've gained from this site 13 years ago and in the past few days. I'm shaken but still strong. Here's to us all staying strong together. --Monty

[Monty]

With much help from these forums 12 years ago, I successfully dealt with the pain and trauma of being in a BPD relationship that ended with me getting dumped (replaced) by my former high-functioning BPD girlfriend. At that time, I had never even heard of BPD but, with the support of this site and a world-class therapist, I have now learned much about it and myself.

Since then, I've had two healthy, mutually loving relationship. While we are no longer together, our separations were not as a result of dysfunction. Careers, family obligations, and other complications of midlife prevented us from moving forward as life partners, but we are still close and valued friends.

Then, about a month ago, WHAM! Out of nowhere, I found myself deeply in love with my dream girl and soulmate. She was everything I had been looking for--intelligent, successful, beautiful, sexy, kind, and loving. Better still, she found me handsome, irresistible, and perfect in every way. It was a match made in Heaven . . . or was it?

While I never imagined once again being susceptible to this type of dysfunctional relationship, there I was right back in the middle of one. Fortunately, armed with the knowledge and experience I've gained in the last 13 years, I recognized the signs very quickly and broke it off. She continues to pursue me but, as luck would have it, we work together and she can't risk word of her desperate and irrational attempts to reconcile getting out. So, she's been persistent but non-threatening and not over the top.

There's no chance of me falling prey to her but I needed to come back here for grounding. I needed to be reminded of how easily it is to be enticed by someone with BPD traits and how devastating and hopeless having a relationship with them is.

While I'm proud of myself for recognizing the traits and terminating things before becoming enmeshed, I'm a little rattled at how easily I, once again, took the bait. The enticement of the illusion of perfect love is a powerful one and I guess I'm still needy enough to fall for it. We were only romantically together for less than a month but breaking up has been as painful as anything I have endured. I guess, for the second painful time in my life, I've broken up with a dream and not a person.

Again, in spite of the pain, there's no chance of getting drawn in thanks to all that I've gained from this site 13 years ago and in the past few days. I'm shaken but still strong. Here's to us all staying strong together. --Monty

[heartandwhole]

Hi Monty,

Thanks so much for coming back and updating us. It's so important for members to read about successful outcomes like yours. I'm glad that you made so much progress in your relationship skills, that is very inspiring.

While I'm proud of myself for recognizing the traits and terminating things before becoming enmeshed, I'm a little rattled at how easily I, once again, took the bait. The enticement of the illusion of perfect love is a powerful one and I guess I'm still needy enough to fall for it. We were only romantically together for less than a month but breaking up has been as painful as anything I have endured. I guess, for the second painful time in my life, I've broken up with a dream and not a person.

You should be proud of yourself, and I honestly would be rattled, too. In fact, there is a part of me that is afraid that I'll fall for another dream in my next relationship, but of course, when the time comes, I will get back on the horse and risk it. I think your statement that you broke up with a dream is very wise. That was very much a factor in my relationship with pwBPD, too.

How are you handling the hurt this time, Monty?

We're always here to support you, no matter what's happening in your relationship.  

heartandwhole

[Monty]

Thanks for responding heartandwhole. As for dealing with the pain, coming here helps more than anything. It reminds me that the pain is normal and that I'm not alone in experiencing it. I'm also on much firmer footing than I was 12 years ago. Back then, I was confused, disoriented, weak, and mentally and physical depleted. Today, I'm none of those things. I just hurt because I've experienced the loss of love. While it's still deeply painful, it's much easier to deal with when you're not also having to deal with processing all that other stuff as well.

I'm not quite ready to jump back on my horse again but, like you, feel optimistic about that prospect in the future. I hope that others on here realize that such optimistic hopes are on the other side for them as well.

[Duped 1]

That is outstanding! Good for you! It would be challenging to not continue but you did the right thing by cutting it off before it even got unhealthy. No one should have to go through devaluation once in their life let alone twice!

[Duped 1]

How long were you with her?

[Monty]

How long were you with her?

We've been working for the same institution for about a year and socialized as friends and colleagues periodically during that time. Then, our conversations started becoming a bit deeper and more personal and we started having lunch together. One thing led to another, and she would come by my place for dinner or I'd go to hers. Just before Thanksgiving, things started moving really fast (what a surprise).

From that time until last week, I thought I had won the lottery and found true love. The intimacy was fantastic but always followed by her pushing me away. I'd apologize for trying to move too fast but, the next time we saw each other, she would encourage more intimacy and things soon started moving at light speed. Fortunately, she took a short break to visit her sister, which gave me an a opportunity to sit back and think.

One evening during that break, it hit me like a lightning bolt and I could clearly see all the same behaviors and traits exhibited by my exBPDgf 12 years ago. Almost everything about them was the same. They each described their past relationships the same, they each idealized me as the world's most perfect guy, they even used the same language and terminology, and both relationships followed the same trajectory.

I was literally days away from being once again deeply enmeshed in a destructive and painful BPD relationship but noticed the signs and escaped just in time.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for coming back to post; this is really helpful.

One of my biggest concerns is whether or not I will recognize the "signs" in the future. Your post makes me think that I will.

Kudos on being self awareness!

[Monty]

Thanks jhkbuzz. While I'm glad I recognized the BPD traits in time, I am surprised that I didn't recognize them sooner. It scares me that I came so close to falling back into a world of pain and chaos.

Amazingly, I'm hurting significantly from the loss of her and our relationship had really only started. That tells me that maybe I haven't fully shaken off my caregiver/rescuer issues. I've been doing lots of research on my issues (not hers) over the past few days and have found plenty of helpful information that wasn't around when I went through this 12 years ago. This site is one of the top resources around for that.