Am I unreasonable or is this treatment abusive

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife went to the grocery store during the day and called complaining that there were no spaces in publix lot.  I suggested that she park across the street in an empty strip mall lot and walk across.  This brought a tirade of complaining about how stupid an idea this was how she could never get across the street how I wanted to get her killed how could I make such a stupid suggestion.

I didn’t think it was a stupid suggestion.  Traffic at that location moves very slowly and it would be easy to cross.  A little bit of a walk but do able.  She just walked over 20k steps per day for the last 4 days at Disney so distance wasn’t an issue. 

The same day I parked across the street from the mall in an empty lot to go to a store, and the road near the mall is much wider and busier than the road by the grocery store.  It wasn’t a problem at all and made the mall trip much less stressful.

What do I think an appropriate and respectful response would be?  No, I don’t think I want to do that.  I’ll just fight the traffic in the lot.

After the football game (4:15) I felt bad for sitting on the couch and eating a bowl of chex mix.  I looked and my wife was preparing to bake some cookies.  I said “do you need me to do anything to help for tonight” she said “no”.  I said well I’m going to go for a short walk then.  This brought on another blast “Well, thanks for asking me, I’d like to just go off and walk when I want to.  Just like you wanting to live the life of a “single man”.  Then she again made some comments about me suggesting that parking across the street from the grocery store  as “stupid” and an attempt to “get her killed”.

My daughter’s boyfriend was over.  He looked at our light switches and said “is this a programmable lighting system”?  I said yes, he said “wow, cool, did you do this yourself?”  I answered yes and very quickly after my reply my wife chimes in “yes but he never programs it to do anything that we want and nothing works right”.  She went on to complain about the “all off” switch in the garage so when someone leaves the house they only have to push one button and any lights left on in the house will be turned off.

This is totally untrue.  I have the lighting system programmed to a level that I believe accommodates everyones needs.  If ANYONE has a complaint I will do my best to resolve it.  I don’t recall anyone asking for different programming in the last two years.

On more than a few l occasions my wife has complained about how she “hates” this programmable lighting system and geothermal heating and house with concrete walls .  She goes on to say how I installed these items for myself without any thought to anyone else and goes on to say that she wishes that she could just live in a “normal” house like everyone else.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I built the most energy efficient and up to date house to try and make things the best I could for my family. 

They have been living with features for the last four years that people are just beginning to get now.  Go to Home depot, all they are pushing is “programmable light bulbs and wifi thermostats”.  We had all that stuff in 2012.


Maybe (6) times in the last four years someone has accidentally pushed the button while people were home.  You would think it’s the end of the world.  You wouldn’t believe how much hate I have received for this feature but not one bit of praise for having a system that can help save electricity and light bulbs.

I digress.

At the end of the night she went on a rant about how “terrible” our twin 18 year old were because they didn’t act in a manner that she thought was appropriate on the Christmas eve “face time” with her  family in Wisconsin.  They didn’t “appear” immediately when the connection was established and they didn’t sing Christmas carols over the internet with the group.  They did show up after the singing and participate in the gift opening and were gracious and thanked everyone (even if it was something they didn’t really like,  and sent thank you texts and emails to everyone.  At one point one of the twins could see she was upset about the situation and said “Maybe next year you should just go there for Christmas “. 

Went to church for Midnight mass.  Maybe the children weren’t exactly thrilled about it, but, there was no massive complaining no one threw a fit everyone went to church, we got there on time.  Could have been worse.  There were some people that we knew from my oldest daughters high school.  Then twins didn’t stop to talk to them after church they went straight to the car.  They were grousing about us staying after to talk to them.  Not Ideal, a selfish teen age action but at 1:30 am is it worth fighting over?  No.  those people weren’t really in their circle of friends do I wish it would have better ? yes.  Was it worth a battle on Christmas?  I didn’t think so.  We got home and said “I’m not wrapping any of their gifts, they don’t deserve anything”.  She wrapped our other daughters gifts.  I stayed up till 3:30am wrapping the twins presents.

Am I over sensitive? Is it me, or is life supposed to be like this. 

 

[Lostman]

My wife went to the grocery store during the day and called complaining that there were no spaces in publix lot.  I suggested that she park across the street in an empty strip mall lot and walk across.  This brought a tirade of complaining about how stupid an idea this was how she could never get across the street how I wanted to get her killed how could I make such a stupid suggestion.

I didn’t think it was a stupid suggestion.  Traffic at that location moves very slowly and it would be easy to cross.  A little bit of a walk but do able.  She just walked over 20k steps per day for the last 4 days at Disney so distance wasn’t an issue. 

The same day I parked across the street from the mall in an empty lot to go to a store, and the road near the mall is much wider and busier than the road by the grocery store.  It wasn’t a problem at all and made the mall trip much less stressful.

What do I think an appropriate and respectful response would be?  No, I don’t think I want to do that.  I’ll just fight the traffic in the lot.

After the football game (4:15) I felt bad for sitting on the couch and eating a bowl of chex mix.  I looked and my wife was preparing to bake some cookies.  I said “do you need me to do anything to help for tonight” she said “no”.  I said well I’m going to go for a short walk then.  This brought on another blast “Well, thanks for asking me, I’d like to just go off and walk when I want to.  Just like you wanting to live the life of a “single man”.  Then she again made some comments about me suggesting that parking across the street from the grocery store  as “stupid” and an attempt to “get her killed”.

My daughter’s boyfriend was over.  He looked at our light switches and said “is this a programmable lighting system”?  I said yes, he said “wow, cool, did you do this yourself?”  I answered yes and very quickly after my reply my wife chimes in “yes but he never programs it to do anything that we want and nothing works right”.  She went on to complain about the “all off” switch in the garage so when someone leaves the house they only have to push one button and any lights left on in the house will be turned off.

This is totally untrue.  I have the lighting system programmed to a level that I believe accommodates everyones needs.  If ANYONE has a complaint I will do my best to resolve it.  I don’t recall anyone asking for different programming in the last two years.

On more than a few l occasions my wife has complained about how she “hates” this programmable lighting system and geothermal heating and house with concrete walls .  She goes on to say how I installed these items for myself without any thought to anyone else and goes on to say that she wishes that she could just live in a “normal” house like everyone else.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I built the most energy efficient and up to date house to try and make things the best I could for my family. 

They have been living with features for the last four years that people are just beginning to get now.  Go to Home depot, all they are pushing is “programmable light bulbs and wifi thermostats”.  We had all that stuff in 2012.


Maybe (6) times in the last four years someone has accidentally pushed the button while people were home.  You would think it’s the end of the world.  You wouldn’t believe how much hate I have received for this feature but not one bit of praise for having a system that can help save electricity and light bulbs.

I digress.

At the end of the night she went on a rant about how “terrible” our twin 18 year old were because they didn’t act in a manner that she thought was appropriate on the Christmas eve “face time” with her  family in Wisconsin.  They didn’t “appear” immediately when the connection was established and they didn’t sing Christmas carols over the internet with the group.  They did show up after the singing and participate in the gift opening and were gracious and thanked everyone (even if it was something they didn’t really like,  and sent thank you texts and emails to everyone.  At one point one of the twins could see she was upset about the situation and said “Maybe next year you should just go there for Christmas “. 

Went to church for Midnight mass.  Maybe the children weren’t exactly thrilled about it, but, there was no massive complaining no one threw a fit everyone went to church, we got there on time.  Could have been worse.  There were some people that we knew from my oldest daughters high school.  Then twins didn’t stop to talk to them after church they went straight to the car.  They were grousing about us staying after to talk to them.  Not Ideal, a selfish teen age action but at 1:30 am is it worth fighting over?  No.  those people weren’t really in their circle of friends do I wish it would have better ? yes.  Was it worth a battle on Christmas?  I didn’t think so.  We got home and said “I’m not wrapping any of their gifts, they don’t deserve anything”.  She wrapped our other daughters gifts.  I stayed up till 3:30am wrapping the twins presents.

Am I over sensitive? Is it me, or is life supposed to be like this. 

 

[formflier]

Am I over sensitive? Is it me, or is life supposed to be like this. 

My life used to be a lot like this.

Life is not supposed to be this way.  I also don't necessarily think this treatment is abusive... .perhaps mildly abusive.

It is up to you to "change the dynamic".  Trust me, you are NOT going to be able to talk your pwBPD into doing something different.

Big picture:  Let her think what she wants... .  Only solve things for her after she has explicitly invited you to solve them after you have asked.

Learn to validate.  Make sure you are NOT invalidating or trying to convince her to think differently.

Quick responses

"That parking lot has frustrated me as well... .hang in there babe... .massage waiting on you when you get home"

In response to long talks about programmable things.

"Oh my honey... .please make me a list of how you would like it programmed... ."

teens

"Teenagers... .not much you can do with those guys." 

pause

"I was going to make fish for dinner... .would you like corn or green beans with it?"

What else can you do to disengage from the arguments?  Are there things that come up regularly that she likes to fight about?

FF
 

[Grey Kitty]

Lostman, welcome here. This community will help you cope and respond better. Please stick around and keep reading and posting.

Your title, "Am I unreasonable or is this treatment abusive" got me... .because it isn't the best way to ask the question:

First, is this abusive? Yes, it is.

Being upset about a full parking lot, a programmable light switch, or something is a normal part of life.

Launching into you with a tirade over it isn't normal; it is abusive.

Then the other part, are you unreasonable?

Your wife did these things. She's been doing them for years. And if you don't change the game, she's going to continue doing it for years.

If you are expecting to explain to her that this is abusive, and have her figure it out and stop, never to do it again... .after trying this so may times before and only watching her get madder... .that's the "unreasonable" thing you are doing.

So let me suggest a first step for you. When she "launches into a tirade", accept that you cannot stop the tirade, and you don't need to stop the tirade. Instead focus on what you can do. Get yourself out of the way of the tirade.

Tell her you won't be spoken to that way. If she doesn't stop, leave the room.
If she continues, and follows you, leave the house.

If she's on the phone, and launches into you like that, say the same thing, followed by "goodbye" and hanging up. (And if she calls back to launch back into you, stop answering)

NOTE: If you are in the car with her at the time, you really can't get out of the way without doing something drastic, especially if she is driving. Some members have found this to be bad enough that their only option is not to get into a car with their spouse, so as not to be trapped that way.

Does this make sense?

[Lostman]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I am in the end stages of deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I don't think I want to have to continuously "disengage" or put up boundaries and worry about crossing them or not.  I just want it to end.  If I walk away or tell her that I won't be spoken to in a certain manner or tone I just get some kind of blast about how I don't want to or "can't" communicate.  A tirade about how poor of a parent I am.  The list goes on and on.  I really don't want to talk to her because no matter what I am wrong.  Today I arrived at work and have not called her.  I called her desk phone twice (not her cell) but she didn't answer.  I really don't want to talk to her because it will just be some sort of negative conversation.  It always is.  She will tell me tonight that I "never" call her during the day, that she always has to call me, that I am lying when I say "hey, I'll call you after I get started at work this morning".


I have decided that 2017 is a year of change.  I don't know what kind or how much yet, but there will be change.

I don't feel that my wife is a partner, I feel like she is my boss... .  I stumble through each day hoping to not do anything "wrong".  A good day is simply a day when I don't get yelled at or berated for something.  Never anything pleasant.

I have come to realize that I have no desire to be intimate with my wife ever again.  No passion... .Too many insults, too many circular arguments, too many little "digs".  I don't see a pretty person.  I fear that if I became disabled and she had to take care of me I would be abused.

I feel like this has been death by 10000 cuts, but now my body is covered with cuts, so many, that even the smallest new "cut" is on top of another cut making the pain that much worse.

I know this for sure.  If I did not have children this would have been over long ago.

I remember the day when we agreed to have children...   She was on the couch crying, she had come home from work and was talking about how much she hated her boss and all she ever wanted to do was "be a mom".

I though that if I made that dream come true, everything would get better, boy was I wrong.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't feel that my wife is a partner, I feel like she is my boss... .  I stumble through each day hoping to not do anything "wrong".  A good day is simply a day when I don't get yelled at or berated for something.  Never anything pleasant.

Hey Lostman, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I used to walk on eggshells, too, and it gets exhausting.  I could never predict what would cause a tirade.  It was usually something unexpected.  Afterwards, I would try to analyze what I could have done differently and why I didn't see that one coming, and the answer was generally that there was no way to predict what would spark a conflagration, which I why I came to view my marriage as walking through a daily minefield.

Glad to hear you plan on making changes in 2017.

LJ

[Krato]

I don't feel that my wife is a partner, I feel like she is my boss... . I stumble through each day hoping to not do anything "wrong".  A good day is simply a day when I don't get yelled at or berated for something.  Never anything pleasant.

I have come to realize that I have no desire to be intimate with my wife ever again.  No passion... .Too many insults, too many circular arguments, too many little "digs".  I don't see a pretty person.  I fear that if I became disabled and she had to take care of me I would be abused.

I feel like this has been death by 10000 cuts, but now my body is covered with cuts, so many, that even the smallest new "cut" is on top of another cut making the pain that much worse.

I know this for sure.  If I did not have children this would have been over long ago.

I remember the day when we agreed to have children...  She was on the couch crying, she had come home from work and was talking about how much she hated her boss and all she ever wanted to do was "be a mom".

I though that if I made that dream come true, everything would get better, boy was I wrong.

I can identify with so many things in your life Lostman.

It was very interesting point what you said about becoming disabled. I always thought that I might need my wife to take care of me if I somehow lose my health or when I'm old. But it's also possible she will not give a damn. She might neglect me like she is neglecting our children at times.

Though, my worries are probably for nothing. She is younger than me but I might live longer as she eats crap and doesn't exercise. She even cannot get off the couch with a baby in her lap, I have to come and take the child first. She has back pains and headaches and cannot play with children on the floor as she wouldn't get up without help.

My partner also desperately wanted to "be a mom" to be able to stay at home instead of working. But. How it usually plays out, is that they complain about pregnancy, complain about giving birth, complain about having to nurse many times a night and then eventually want to go back to work as being at home with children is so exhausting. Now that my wife is back to work and I am SAHD, she would rather stay at home again with kids. She complains she doesn't see kids enough, but when she comes home from work her priorities are 1) Eating 2) Watching TV 3) Using cell phone 4) Getting children to bed so that they won't disturb her with activities from 1 to 3.

But, I would advise that don't regret anything! Without making these "mistakes" you would not have your children. Or at least they wouldn't be the masterpieces they are unless they had both yours and your partners genes. So at least I comfort myself by saying that this is the way everything was meant to be. What the future holds is of course up to us.

Around a year ago, I think I was in the phase you are now. You still fear her tirades and feel obligation and guilt to guide her in all her episodes. Trust me, you will feel much better and lighter once you stop doing that. You can still validate her emotions, but don't carry her problems on your shoulders. She will never learn to carry them herself. Don't take anything from her personally. As I understand your children are grownups so they don't need your protection that much anymore. You can let your partner steam until she is exhausts herself.

I don't feel like my wife is my boss, but rather a difficult adopted teenager living in the same house. Though sometimes her emotional control is closer to toddler than teenager.