How to break the breakup news?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

Previously undecided, I have returned here after about 1 year's absence, with the decision to end my relationship.

My partner has never been diagnosed with any PD, but has shown many of the signs over the years.
Although the more extreme behaviours have lessened over time, I have come to realise that I am somewhat conditioned to remain in a controlling situation.
I have decided that life is too short to keep walking on eggshells, limiting my own life in order to try and keep her stable.
The decision is made.

Now, how to break up?

I'm ok with arranging the practicalities,  also with keeping boundaries afterwards (been tricked there before, NEVER again!). I will move my stuff out of the home immediately beforehand.

For me the part I fear is the actual moment of ending.
I feel that I should do it in person, but with a 3rd person present, because of her instability.

If it's just me and her, I'm certain she will either threaten suicide, attempt to blackmail me, or physically try to prevent me leaving (with the possibility of injury to either of us).

If I do it by note or text, I think she will either make an attempt on her own life, or possibly make a false accusation against me (it will be my word against hers, and I expect the cops normally believe the female).

With another person present I'm hoping the situation will be less volatile.  She is well capable of adult communication and some adult functioning. In fact she holds quite a responsible job dealing with difficult situations in the public, which I believe she is good at. It's only at home she becomes manipulative and unstable ('high functioning' BPD ?).
I'm thinking that in front of a 3rd person she will be more motivated to stay in adult behaviour.

Is there any kind of professional who could serve in this role?
I'm not looking for a therapy situation - the relationship is over.
I'm not looking for a lawyer to take my side against hers.
I'm looking for a safe situation in which to convey news that will be taken as a terrible, threatening blow by the other person.
Also to make arrangements for how to communicate safely in the future, when discussing the administrative matters of the separation.

Maybe some kind of negotiator?


Any advice much appreciated. 

[Svarl1]

Hi all,

Previously undecided, I have returned here after about 1 year's absence, with the decision to end my relationship.

My partner has never been diagnosed with any PD, but has shown many of the signs over the years.
Although the more extreme behaviours have lessened over time, I have come to realise that I am somewhat conditioned to remain in a controlling situation.
I have decided that life is too short to keep walking on eggshells, limiting my own life in order to try and keep her stable.
The decision is made.

Now, how to break up?

I'm ok with arranging the practicalities,  also with keeping boundaries afterwards (been tricked there before, NEVER again!). I will move my stuff out of the home immediately beforehand.

For me the part I fear is the actual moment of ending.
I feel that I should do it in person, but with a 3rd person present, because of her instability.

If it's just me and her, I'm certain she will either threaten suicide, attempt to blackmail me, or physically try to prevent me leaving (with the possibility of injury to either of us).

If I do it by note or text, I think she will either make an attempt on her own life, or possibly make a false accusation against me (it will be my word against hers, and I expect the cops normally believe the female).

With another person present I'm hoping the situation will be less volatile.  She is well capable of adult communication and some adult functioning. In fact she holds quite a responsible job dealing with difficult situations in the public, which I believe she is good at. It's only at home she becomes manipulative and unstable ('high functioning' BPD ?).
I'm thinking that in front of a 3rd person she will be more motivated to stay in adult behaviour.

Is there any kind of professional who could serve in this role?
I'm not looking for a therapy situation - the relationship is over.
I'm not looking for a lawyer to take my side against hers.
I'm looking for a safe situation in which to convey news that will be taken as a terrible, threatening blow by the other person.
Also to make arrangements for how to communicate safely in the future, when discussing the administrative matters of the separation.

Maybe some kind of negotiator?


Any advice much appreciated. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Svarl1,

I'm sorry that it has come to this. Deciding to leave a partner is really tough, and you sound like you have reflected and planned well. I commend you for taking this step by step and planning your departure in a way that will cause the least stress for you both.

I don't have experience in this kind of exit plan, but if there is any chance of violence or suicide threat, I think your idea of a third person is a wise one.

Here are some resources that you may not have seen that will be helpful in your plan, and for the handling of communication afterward:

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

BIFF Technique

Karpman Drama Triangle

I look forward to reading others' perspectives and experiences.

heartandwhole