Any less stressful than expected divorces here?

[michel71]

Hi all. I am reading the horror stories but has anybody here actually gone through or in the process of going through a divorce that is turning out to be less stressful than anticipated? I mean, has your BPD surprised you by not being "that difficult". I would like to know. I am hoping to hear some good stories. I need to think positive. And I am scared to death.

[ForeverDad]

There are a few here and there.  I think one of the determining factors is how entitled or vindictive your spouse is.  The vast majority of those posting here on the Family Law board have high conflict divorces.  What the full/true ratio is out there, I don't know.  Have there be contemplated or threatened allegations?  Then your risk is higher.  If there are children or $$$ involved then it can get very complicated, nasty and protracted.

[michel71]

Hey FOREVER... .no kids. Thank GOD!

Spouse has said both things in the past. I honestly don't know where the ball will end up on the roulette wheel. I am scared and expecting the worst.

She has 0 to lose. She is on the hook for half of the credit card debt. She has no pension or retirement savings. I do. I expect that the best scenario for me is to be left holding the credit card debt and her walking away.

I have read that you have to get very adversarial or at least fake it with BPDs. Don't be too conciliatory out of the gate. They need to feel that they won. So I think I will start out by saying that I want her to assume half of the credit card debt and pay me every month. And pay the community back the money that she PROMISED to pay back ( about 50k). She will say efff you and then think she won.

Any thoughts about strategy?

[livednlearned]

Hi michel71,

Bill Eddy makes a distinction between people who are BPD, and HCPs (high-conflict personalities). HCPs have a PD, a target of blame, are persuasive blamers, and tend to recruit negative advocates. Not all people with BPD are HCPs, though all HCPs have some sort of PD, in his definition. A lot of stories here involve HCPs.

He also points out that there are degrees of severity with BPD. Some people with BPD are generally cooperative, not dangerous. Others are not cooperative, and not dangerous. Then there are those who are not cooperative and dangerous (e.g. file false allegations, abuse drugs, are physically violent, attempt suicide, etc.).

What is your spouse like?

Whatever she is like, you don't have to get adversarial, you have to be assertive. They are different.

It also helps to work out your negotiating strategy well in advance. Without leverage, it will be tough to get her to comply. Keep in mind that anything you work out legally is yours to enforce. Which costs money and time. Try to make sure everything agreed to has a consequence so that if you end up in court for non-compliance, the judge doesn't give her multiple chances to comply (free for the judge and expensive for you!).

Are you hoping to not pay her anything? And to assume payment of the credit card debt?

Meaning, you figure it's a wash if she walks away with nothing?

[michel71]

LIVED... .exactly. That is my hope. Pay 0 and assume the credit card debt. In a perfect world,I would like her to pay me back what I gave to her to enrich her lifestyle in her country (about 25-30k) plus half of the credit card debt. I am going to ask for that out of the gate. Start out hard.

My uBPDw I would describe as HCP and BPD, not totally cooperative ( it depends on what) and not dangerous. The problem is that over the years I have come to not trust her because she goes back and forth on promises.

Thank you all for the good advice.