I see I foolishly left the door open with the content of my email

[Germanic]

I'm just a little more than a month that I sent my BPDex an email asking that we forego spending the holidays together and that unless there would be a complete change to his attitudes towards my feelings and beliefs, there could be no relationship beyond a friendship.  (I did not know about BPD or had ever heard of it at that time.)  

Now, knowing what I have recently learned about BPD behavior, I see I foolishly left the door open with the content of my email.  My ex's response to me was four rapid fire phone calls about an hour after I sent the email which came while I was on the phone with a close friend.  My ex left no voice messages.  Then, an hour later, he emailed my 23 year old niece to tell her "we" ended the relationship along with some philosophical opinions.

From what I understand, my ex appears to be a high level narcissist.  We were in a long distance trans-Atlantic relationship for about a year.  We were together for a couple of weeks mostly each month during that time with either I in Europe or my ex in the US.  We both had independent resources and did not depend on each other for anything financially however in retrospect, I realize I pulled out my wallet and paid more times than I probably should have.  I knew he was building his business and wanted to allow that we could still go out to dinner and do things frequently when we were together in order to enhance our shared experiences without him worrying about the costs related to his budget.

Researching, I'm now expecting that a narcissist of this level with me having 'escaped,' will most likely be planning a charm.  I believe a plain ordinary charm I can deal with and just ignore it.  Now that I have read about the likelihood in my circumstance of a receiving a charm, I also see charms from these types of BPD's can be plotted with a lot of bad preludes, smear campaigns, clandestine attacks, etc.  I was wondering how just how likely in my circumstance is it that I will receive the charm which I already seem to be convinced will happen because it appears these types of high level narcissists are the type to be expected to conduct vicious retaliation.

I know from what my ex has told me, he's in touch with 6 of his 7 former partners.  One refuses to speak to him.  I know this as a relative fact as my ex showed me the communications from his prior partners and I have met one and spoke to another on the phone.  Maybe I'm just reading too much and fearing the worst even before anything has happened.  The difference here is I was so much out of character for what my ex would normally want and desire in a relationship.  I'm older, independent, American, relatively successful (I have benefits I could provide to the partnership aside from what he has), masculine and mature.  My ex has always been with younger, much younger, partners and as he's gotten older, it seems the typical target age stays in a range of 19-early 20's, foreign national but NOT American, extremely effeminate, impoverished and needing to be dependent on someone.

Because of the serious disparity of my ex's typical desires and what he experienced and received from me and what I have learned me makes me concerned that there is the real possibility of a very explosive and volatile charm coming my way.  I want to be wrong and hope that he will just let me go.  :)oes anyone here have any experience with this situation where their relationship with a BPD was so far out of character for the BPD's norm?  Maybe I'm way overthinking this thing but the more I read, the more it makes me concerned as to the likelihood that something extreme might happen.                                    

[Mutt]

Hi Germanic,



I completely understand how distressing this feels. You can't control what your ex partner is or is not going to do. You can control your actions and how you react to others, if you don't want to recycle, it's not going to happen.

I sent the email which came while I was on the phone with a close friend.  My ex left no voice messages.  Then, an hour later, he emailed my 23 year old niece to tell her "we" ended the relationship along with some philosophical opinions.

That telegraphs an anxious person, you didn't answer and they felt the need to defend themselves and went to someone because they wanted to b heard subconsciously. That's on them, not you.

If your ex is a narcissist then your ex has very low self esteem, I wouldn't push further because I wouldn't want to trigger narcissistic anger or rage. I'm not saying that its going to happen but the best thing to do is nothing and if you responded back, we've all done it, including me because of feeling wounded. It's natural. I hope that helps.

[Grey Kitty]

There's really no way for you to know whether he will resume chasing after you and trying to charm you or engage you or not. Prior behavior is probably the best guess as to future behavior.

You describe him staying in touch with 6 ex's while you were with him. How did he treat them?
Did you have jealous worries about what he was doing with any of them?
Did he try to recycle with them/cheat with any of them?
Did he have emotional affairs with any of them?
Did he play push-pull games with any of them?

Still... .there's no way to really know.

Are you afraid that he will succeed at charming you and sucking you back in somehow?

[Germanic]

If your ex is a narcissist then your ex has very low self esteem,

He's a narcissist and he constantly repeated to me his lack of confidence in his appearance.  I know opinions in this area are subjective, but none the less, he is
very good looking, sexy, charming, has a great body and quite popular.  In spite of all that, he would constantly tell me he is "fat and has an unattractive face."

I now think that he was just fishing for constant reinforcement from me.  When I did pay him compliments, he told me that they were insincere.  How about that?  He would complain about his body in front of others. After months of listening to that, I told him just before the end that this type of behavior coming from someone who had invested as much time successfully as he had in his physical fitness was easily recognized as solicitous and really quite embarrassing to witness.  He said nothing in response to that.

It's approaching six weeks now and I have done or said nothing with regards to him since I forwarded the fateful email.  He has multiple ways to get in touch with me if he desires to.  I believe he realizes I wasn't going to put up with any more of his BS and that 'the party' with me was over.  He can go forth and do whatever he wants with his life with no interference or communication from me.  Life's too short and I don't need the drama.  I've also learned in relationships, going back for round two is a waste of time if one expects the negative issues from the first time to be gone.  Been there before, done that, over it.  Leopards don't change their spots!     

[Germanic]

There's really no way for you to know whether he will resume chasing after you and trying to charm you or engage you or not. Prior behavior is probably the best guess as to future behavior.

You describe him staying in touch with 6 ex's while you were with him. How did he treat them?
Did you have jealous worries about what he was doing with any of them?
Did he try to recycle with them/cheat with any of them?
Did he have emotional affairs with any of them?
Did he play push-pull games with any of them?

Still... .there's no way to really know.

Are you afraid that he will succeed at charming you and sucking you back in somehow?

Grey Kitty,

Considering from what little knowledge I have from his prior relationship behavior, I doubt he would try to pursue anything else from me.  I'm several years older than he is and probably have a little more of 'life's experiences' under my belt in dealing with people. (Now I have dealt with a BPD)  He often would turn to me for advice on how to deal with a subject involving someone else and then be amazed that I gave such good advice.

I was never "jealous" over the his previous ex's other than the prior one.  He was so emotionally upset over losing that one who I now realized "escaped" but not before taking from my ex at that time a significant amount of money which I believe my BPDex offered up as a way to control this partner 26 years his junior.  I had been concerned that if the previous ex would come back, I'd be put on the back burner.  It didn't take too long for me to realize that the former partner was never coming back.  At first I thought is was because of the financial debt owed.  I now suspect the former got "out of Dodge" permanently while he could.

From what little I know of his relationship with his exes is that they have all moved on, stay friendly with my BPDex but apparently at arm's distance.  Remember, he's incredibly charming and easy on the eyes.  As long as he behaves and conducts himself civilly, he's nice to have around.  If not, look out!

Since I was the only ex of his who is American and older, the dynamics are a bit different but in no way am I afraid that I'd be "sucked back in" as charming as he is.  I will limit the contact from him if he ever does successfully reach me in order to minimize the temptation.  With each passing day, the pain resolves itself by becoming more diminished.