Hello, it's a flounder

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

My story: My husband of 6 years/11 years declared to me 9 months ago he wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded as to why, why we wouldn't see a counselor, it was always "we aren't right for each other" and when he did go to a counselor he said "this is just a step on the way to getting a divorce and that is why I am here."

Fast forward 7 months and he finally comes clean that he has been spending large sums of money travel (he travels for work as well), but and that he had been spending money on another woman who 'supposedly' is just a friend and that doesn't want to be anything more with him but he is so infatuated with her. He lost 80 lbs during this time and has become so obsessed with his appearance.

In the last two months I've decided to take it upon myself and file for divorce because he had not done so yet. I moved out. As I was packing up all of the stuff from my life, he goes into panicked spells of despair and how he is "losing the best thing" in his life. This goes on for a few days -- him knocking on my door at midnight after his 3 hr gym session and bawling about how he has made a mess of his life. But still he has done nothing to change it.

I say "flounder" because that is what I felt like and how I felt he was acting like. We'd go back and forth about whether we should stay together, but he could just never pull the trigger to recommit because of his infatuation with this girl. Or so I have been told.

A few weeks ago I asked him to please go see a therapist "for me" and at least give it a try to see what is going on in his head. He is a VA and had been going to the VA for therapy, but clearly did not help at all because in his 10 sessions there they didn't say nadda and in two sessions with an outside the VA therapist she has concluded he has borderline personality disorder.

I've always felt he was very "child-like" emotionally and felt that he was impulsive, irrational, reckless, and "untouchable" so this didn't come quite as a surprise for me. But my big question(s) are:
 - What does his BPD have to do with him wanting to end our relationship
 - Is our relationship repairable
 - Or is it time to cash in my chips and say that I've dodged a bullet by getting out now (fairly easy divorce and no kids).

It's heart breaking. He is my best friend and I do love him, even now.

[questionnaire]

Hello all,

My story: My husband of 6 years/11 years declared to me 9 months ago he wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded as to why, why we wouldn't see a counselor, it was always "we aren't right for each other" and when he did go to a counselor he said "this is just a step on the way to getting a divorce and that is why I am here."

Fast forward 7 months and he finally comes clean that he has been spending large sums of money travel (he travels for work as well), but and that he had been spending money on another woman who 'supposedly' is just a friend and that doesn't want to be anything more with him but he is so infatuated with her. He lost 80 lbs during this time and has become so obsessed with his appearance.

In the last two months I've decided to take it upon myself and file for divorce because he had not done so yet. I moved out. As I was packing up all of the stuff from my life, he goes into panicked spells of despair and how he is "losing the best thing" in his life. This goes on for a few days -- him knocking on my door at midnight after his 3 hr gym session and bawling about how he has made a mess of his life. But still he has done nothing to change it.

I say "flounder" because that is what I felt like and how I felt he was acting like. We'd go back and forth about whether we should stay together, but he could just never pull the trigger to recommit because of his infatuation with this girl. Or so I have been told.

A few weeks ago I asked him to please go see a therapist "for me" and at least give it a try to see what is going on in his head. He is a VA and had been going to the VA for therapy, but clearly did not help at all because in his 10 sessions there they didn't say nadda and in two sessions with an outside the VA therapist she has concluded he has borderline personality disorder.

I've always felt he was very "child-like" emotionally and felt that he was impulsive, irrational, reckless, and "untouchable" so this didn't come quite as a surprise for me. But my big question(s) are:
 - What does his BPD have to do with him wanting to end our relationship
 - Is our relationship repairable
 - Or is it time to cash in my chips and say that I've dodged a bullet by getting out now (fairly easy divorce and no kids).

It's heart breaking. He is my best friend and I do love him, even now.

[ynwa]

.  Hey there Questionnaire,  I am glad you have found us. The board is a great place for people who are in an uncomfortable place in their relationship. While no one can make the decision for you, there are resources and people here to help.  It's no easy thing to handle this, and I can tell you have been through a lot.  I know for me, it was overwhelming seeing what was happening and not understanding why or how.

Are you going to friends and family for support and also taking time for yourself?  It's natural to want to focus on the the other, but right now it's ok to step back and breathe.  Being mindful of your own feelings and needs? 

There are some great links to read, some are just to the right of this post --->

I've always felt he was very "child-like" emotionally and felt that he was impulsive, irrational, reckless, and "untouchable" so this didn't come quite as a surprise for me.

This may be a part of his issue with BPD, but keep those in mind.  You are aware of his tendencies?  These are maybe playing into the situation?

 But my big question(s) are:
 - What does his BPD have to do with him wanting to end our relationship.
People with even just traits of BPD, are not as emotionally stable. Small things become big ones, and they have an inner push/pull from wanting to be close to someone and then get away.  Fear of intimacy.  Have you experienced things that may point to this?

 - Is our relationship repairable
When both people are able and willing, relationships are repairable, but often need a lot of trust and willingness. Love isn't always the answer.  I'm being honest, and there are people on this board who do succeed in maintaining their relationships. Some do not.   But, I'll say this.  You do not have to decide or start today.

- Or is it time to cash in my chips and say that I've dodged a bullet by getting out now (fairly easy divorce and no kids).  No one on the board, or anyone really can make that decision for you ok?  But this sit and especially the people on it are here to help. They have been through similar situations and know what it is like.

What you are feeling and thinking is natural.  It's a lot to take in at once. Be honest with yourself and your emotions. Take some time and be ok, that things just aren't ok?   I have been right where you are.  

As you read things, and feel things, try to remain neutral with yourself. You will see a lot of this is not your fault, and I can see a loving and kind person asking a lot of themselves.    go do something today just for you, maybe ice cream or something silly.  Go watch a funny movie.  

It's heart breaking. He is my best friend and I do love him, even now.

  this to me is as honest and kind as any statement about someone can be.  Thank you for sharing, I know it's hard, and while it's easy to say.  It WILL get better.

YNWA

[questionnaire]

Fear of intimacy.  Have you experienced things that may point to this?

I didn't think I did experience this before, but I'm starting to believe now that I am, at least in the last year. I could see the back of forth of getting together or not being "fear of intimacy". He'll cry about how much he misses me, then when I'm there and on board with him there is a big slap in the face. Maybe I should do some research of fear of intimacy and the signs.

I am going to family for support, but they don't seem to be very helpful or understand. They just want me to give up on him based on how he has treated me. So, I'm glad I found a new outlet to understand and deal with it.

I appreciate all of your words and advice. And you're right, I should just take it one day at a time and nothing has to be decided today. 

[ynwa]

Hey again Qustionaire,

It is often very tough to explain to others and more importantly to ourselves how we are being treated. Because they can go to loving and helpless to an angry rage and back again.  We first see it as moody or depressed.  Maybe as though a tantrum. But your family is looking out for you.

Try this link and see if it follows what you have felt and seen?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[questionnaire]

Hi ynwa,

Yes, this is what I have experienced -- I'd say in the last nine months. So, how can you interact with someone like this? Again, I want to help in any way that I can, but I don't want myself to spiral down (I kinda have a depressed nature) -- any advice on how to move forward. Perhaps, to realize when it is in the 'clinger' phase that it isn't real and to just treat it as nothing more than typical interaction?

It is so weird that this just pops up in your life. Is there a trigger? Also, I've been reading that there is no cure, but if you haven't had it your whole life, isn't there a way that therapy will make it go away?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  Sorry you had to look for us, glad you found us!
I am sorry you are going through this.  I know that in my life everything started to become so much more clear when I heard about BPD and really really started studying it.  For what it's worth, I found that learning about BPD, and personality in general, has benefited me greatly.  However, not because I can somehow treat or diagnose my wife.  I didn't do it for her, I did it for me.  Learning about BPD helped me find some explanations, and rules for why things were the way there were - and that's just it. Things are what they are. I had to accept first of all that it was not all my fault.  I also accepted that i did not cause my wife's problems, can not cure them, and I can not control them.  I had to work on me, which I've done through practicing mindfulness, acceptance, and I really work hard on validating others and setting boundaries (to protect myself).  I've worked on focusing on being a better dad, and as a result a better husband.  

I might suggest that you just take the idea that your husband has BPD and set it aside just for a moment.  What if he had no diagnose, or nothing they could find?  
Would that change your happiness?  Would he behave differently?  Would he lose interest in another woman?

The point is, him having BPD - which only he can struggle to overcome - can't change the reality of what really is going on.  Men and women don't need a mental illness in order to cheat on their spouse.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Learning about BPD might give you insight on what you can do to survive, or what the world looks like to someone with BPD, but, reality is still there.  Take care of you.