Newbie

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

At nearly 30 this is the first time I've ever seeked support in relation to my mum's BPD and feels like the beginning of a change in myself where I'm starting to question and analyse her behaviour instead of soaking it all up like a sponge!

My mum has had severe mental health issues her whole life, even seriously self harming breaking her arm at ten years old. She had me at 16 lost her mum to cancer at 17 and raised me alone in a variety of shared houses. I did a few stints in foster care when she had to be admitted due to outbursts and violence.
My saviour my step dad came along when I was 5 and worked hard to keep homelife stable. Sadly I remember much of my childhood being riddled with fear and anxiety, various traumas and dramas.
When I was 11 mum was admitted to hospital she had collapsed and lost all ability to walk, talk, speak ... she was flat on her back only able to blink. Drs were baffled, ruling out a stroke and various other illnesses. They deduced it was a mental health condition causing her body to shut down and revert to a baby like state. Since then we taught her to walk, write, speak etc, to look at her physically today you would never know that she had been in such a state.

Mums time has been spent partly at home and partly in numerous wards or units, she seems to go through short periods of relative stability then relapse into self harm, disassociation, confusion, suicide attempts and end up back under a section. When it comes to medication, you name it she's had it   alongside psychotherapy, dbt, cbt etc etc

Dad was a rock throughout my life. He made things as structured as possible and I was able to go to university and get my degree, I did, however, really struggle mentally. I often get terribly anxious my main issues being the thought of upsetting someone, feeling like I'm not achieving enough, feeling that I'm weak, feeling like I don't know what my identity is. Lately I feel like my voice is stifled, so much so that it feels as though I'm physically choking and I can't get my words out. I guess this comes with keeping quiet and merging into the background throughout childhood so that I didn't "upset the apple cart".

Sadly dad died of cancer two years ago, I'm an only child and felt the weight and worry of keeping mum stable. She turned to alcohol drinking around 16 cans of beer a day from 6am I did try to address this by involving an alcohol support team. In August she set her house on fire and called me to say she wouldn't leave the house as you "never leave a fire unattended" she locked herself in the house, I live an hour away so called the emergency services who thankfully got her out and she was sectioned once again.  She is still under section but currently in a unit that works with BPD.

Anyway I feel like I am rambling now! So much has happened it's hard to compact it! But there is my essay of an introduction! Xx

[JP_003]

Hi all,

At nearly 30 this is the first time I've ever seeked support in relation to my mum's BPD and feels like the beginning of a change in myself where I'm starting to question and analyse her behaviour instead of soaking it all up like a sponge!

My mum has had severe mental health issues her whole life, even seriously self harming breaking her arm at ten years old. She had me at 16 lost her mum to cancer at 17 and raised me alone in a variety of shared houses. I did a few stints in foster care when she had to be admitted due to outbursts and violence.
My saviour my step dad came along when I was 5 and worked hard to keep homelife stable. Sadly I remember much of my childhood being riddled with fear and anxiety, various traumas and dramas.
When I was 11 mum was admitted to hospital she had collapsed and lost all ability to walk, talk, speak ... she was flat on her back only able to blink. Drs were baffled, ruling out a stroke and various other illnesses. They deduced it was a mental health condition causing her body to shut down and revert to a baby like state. Since then we taught her to walk, write, speak etc, to look at her physically today you would never know that she had been in such a state.

Mums time has been spent partly at home and partly in numerous wards or units, she seems to go through short periods of relative stability then relapse into self harm, disassociation, confusion, suicide attempts and end up back under a section. When it comes to medication, you name it she's had it   alongside psychotherapy, dbt, cbt etc etc

Dad was a rock throughout my life. He made things as structured as possible and I was able to go to university and get my degree, I did, however, really struggle mentally. I often get terribly anxious my main issues being the thought of upsetting someone, feeling like I'm not achieving enough, feeling that I'm weak, feeling like I don't know what my identity is. Lately I feel like my voice is stifled, so much so that it feels as though I'm physically choking and I can't get my words out. I guess this comes with keeping quiet and merging into the background throughout childhood so that I didn't "upset the apple cart".

Sadly dad died of cancer two years ago, I'm an only child and felt the weight and worry of keeping mum stable. She turned to alcohol drinking around 16 cans of beer a day from 6am I did try to address this by involving an alcohol support team. In August she set her house on fire and called me to say she wouldn't leave the house as you "never leave a fire unattended" she locked herself in the house, I live an hour away so called the emergency services who thankfully got her out and she was sectioned once again.  She is still under section but currently in a unit that works with BPD.

Anyway I feel like I am rambling now! So much has happened it's hard to compact it! But there is my essay of an introduction! Xx

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome JP_003:   
I'm so sorry to hear your father has passed.  It must have been devastating for you to lose the one person who was the rock in your life.  Thanks for sharing your story.  I can't imagine what you have been through in regard to your mom.

You say you don't have siblings. Do you have any aunts or uncles or cousins that are in your life currently?  Do you have a network of friends to offer you support?

Dad was a rock throughout my life. He made things as structured as possible and I was able to go to university and get my degree, I did, however, really struggle mentally. I often get terribly anxious my main issues being the thought of upsetting someone, feeling like I'm not achieving enough, feeling that I'm weak, feeling like I don't know what my identity is. Lately I feel like my voice is stifled, so much so that it feels as though I'm physically choking and I can't get my words out. I guess this comes with keeping quiet and merging into the background throughout childhood so that I didn't "upset the apple cart".

Many others here can relate to your comment of "not wanting to upset the apple cart".  I sometimes refer to the situation as "the disease to please".  My dad was very critical and went into rages. I used to be a big people pleaser, but I've improved.

Have you taken any meds for your anxiety?  Sometimes, doctors prescribe a beta blocker for people to use when performing or giving a speech.  Some people use them  to relieve social anxiety in their daily life.

Congratulations on getting your degree.   Are you currently working?  I used to be very shy, until I got my first job.  It brought me out of my shell. 

We look forward to hearing more of your story.

[JP_003]

Thankyou for your reply ❤️ Sadly I have no family other than my mum, my grandad passed 3 years ago and my estranged uncle who mum got back in contact with passed suddenly last year. I am blessed to have started to form a circle of friends that I relate well to and we all seem to be on our own journeys recovering from bumpy pasts!

Yes I have been on sertraline for about 9 years, I really want to get off medication but every time I felt like trying something else traumatic seemed to happen.

I worked my way up to a very well paid management job after my degree but ended up being off work for a while when dad passed. Dad passing away seemed to be the catalyst for a few changes, I left a very emotionally abusive relationship along with my house and possessions and when my work contract finished I didn't start another. Instead I set up a holistic dog grooming business which has been a lot of hard work but certainly a labour of love.


Sorry to hear about your dads rages, I think people pleasing is a very draining trait and it seems that the more we focus on our own happiness the less people pleasing seems to play a part!

Xx

[Fie]

Hi JP_003    


Welcome ! You will find people here who can empathize because they recognize the same dynamics in their family members.

For me it has been wonderful to discover a whole community of people who just 'get it'.

I can certainly relate to the loneliness. I didn't have a big family and since I refused to keep being part of the insanity, my family became even smaller.
I had grandparents that I loved very much. They both died, my grandma past away last summer. I just miss them sometimes. My other grandma is still alive but the BPD is too much for me to be around.

I have an aunt who I sometimes visit, but nothing too emotionally close.
And I have my daughter, who I have a wonderful relationship with. But that's it.

So yes life can get pretty lonely in BPD land  :-P

It is good to hear that you have found yourself a circle of friends. They can make a difference ! Don't stop reaching out to healthy people, or at least people who realize that they have maybe had unhealthy tendencies, but now want to get better.

Are you currently seeing a therapist ? For years I have thought I could do it all by myself - and somehow I mananged indeed. But now I am seeing a psychologist once in a while and it just enhanced my life quality. It really does make a difference.

You are saying you have been taken sertraline for 9 years. Were they prescribed by a GP ? In this case, do you think it could be worthwhile to go see another GP, just for a second opinion (can't hurt) ? Maybe the sertraline doesn't have an effect anymore because you have been taking it for a while now ?

What do you think ?

[JP_003]

Hi Fie

I am on the waiting list for a therapist but the current wait is 7 months for cbt and emdr. Since finding the book Stop walking on eggshells there have definitely been some positive shifts in my thinking, I do feel a bit overwhelmed by it at the moment but at least I'm taking steps in the right direction to train my brain! It's been met with some resistance by my mother who has clearly sensed the change and distance and panicked a little. I have a bit of work to do learning how to communicate with her during these changes.

Yes the antidepressants were prescribed by a gp, I was originally on citalopram but they changed it to sertraline about a year ago. Because I have been on them so long I'm not sure what affect they have and how I would be without them! I am trying to improve my lifestyle in general with bootcamp and clean eating so it does seem counter-productive to keep taking chemicals

It's tough with a small family I agree, I have often yearned for a large 'normal' family like those you see on movies laughing around a dinner table! I think recently I have learnt to create my own family through friends xx

[Fie]

Well and you have just found yourself a second family on bpdfamily ! 

Don't hesitate to post here as much as you want. You can also open a new thread with specific questions or things you are struggling with. There always will be people listening.

x