Distressed and realise I don't have the tools to cope

[ceasepain]

I haven't really thought before that I need support, or that I may need therapy to learn better how to balance my life, family dynamics and the complexities that exist because of the BPD (and PTSD) my 24 year old daughter lives with. But two days ago (after a jovial conversation turned to an onslaught of abuse from my daughter and the most recent promise that she is cutting me out of her life and my granddaughters' it's like I just ran out of steam, and to be honest I started to wonder if I will be able to maintain a relationship with my daughter which made me so sad through every element of my being. After feeling sorry for myself and crying to myself for a few hours, I thought this is not working, what else can I do, how else can I think? So I don't quite know what I typed in google but here I am.

I've read a few posts and watched some interesting videos that are already giving me some insight. One of them was speaking about acknowledging my daughters feelings expressed through her words without having to agree. I have to look into this more and how to do this because at the moment, unless I agree with my daughter there is always a big problem.

I find it really hard knowing the difference between hurt and harm, I'll try to explain.
When choosing to be relaxed and not engage in conflict with my daughter, she feels hurt/angry that I am not engaging in the conversation, or not answering the phone call/replying to the text or coming to visit and may say something like I'm killing her. Now I know she may need to talk, maybe she needs to express her feelings so she doesn't act on them. But I also know when I have the capacity to deal with it or not, so for the last year or so have been choosing what is best for me in a given situation. My daughter says I've changed and she wants the old me back. Are there times or circumstances when I am causing her harm when I put myself first?

A recent situation - my mother, myself and my two younger girls were collecting my grand daughter. As we pulled up late in the evening I noticed the window handles were pointing upwards so I knew the windows were unlocked although it was pulled in. I said to her 'even when you have your window open, you can leave the handles down so it isnt obvious to passersby that the window is unlocked' she replied 'No, don't tell me anything' I couldn't understand the abrupt rudeness but chose not to address it as it would have escalated. She proceeded to instruct her teenage sister to make sure she helps carry the baby upstairs and help with the bags.
A few days later my teenage daughter explained how angry she was at the way her sister spoke to me, that me or her Nan didn't say anything to correct her and that it took all of her willpower not to respond to her big sis  'No, don't tell me anything' when she gave her an instruction and because she is 10 years younger feels she needs to be respectful, but is getting fed up of one rule for my daughter wBPD and another set of rules for the rest of us.

I need better ways to deal with things! 

I saw a short talk by the author of a book titled something like - stop walking on eggshells, would anyone recommend it as a good starting point?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello Ceasepain
I am terribly sorry for the way things are with your daughter at the moment. I understand exactly how stressful and hurtful it can all be.
You have come to the right place, so Welcome, and you have already taken some great pro-active steps, the videos and readings.
I want to remind you of the lessons and tools to the right side of the board. They made a huge difference in my life, and the lives of many others.

 [When choosing to be relaxed and not engage in conflict with my daughter, she feels hurt/angry that I am not engaging in the conversation, or not answering the phone call/replying to the text or coming to visit and may say something like I'm killing her. Now I know she may need to talk, maybe she needs to express her feelings so she doesn't act on them. But I also know when I have the capacity to deal with it or not, so for the last year or so have been choosing what is best for me in a given situation. ] You need to understand that without self care, it is never going to work. You matter, you are important , your feelings matter and are important also.You should have no guilt for doing what is best for you in that moment. BPD'S  are masters of manipulation, and she knows how to push your buttons.

Your younger daughter is at a delicate age, and should not be expected to understand the complexities of BPD, although unfortunately, she has to live it. My own BPD daughter is 9 years older than my son, and he had to love it too. It is a tough balancing act, and one I must say, I was not very good at. I will tell you that not only you, but other household members would benefit greatly from therapy, understanding the illness and it's complexities is also helpful.

Please tell us more about your daughter, and keep us updated on the way things are going. the more information you give, the better we are able to help you. Good luck to you and your family and take care.

[7babies]

I just wanted to say hello. I am just learning myself so I have no wisdom but wanted you to know you are nor alone in this.