Spouse with BPD

[Atwitsend2]

Hi - in need of support/help.  Brief summary.   I am at wits end.  Married for 5+ years, 3 children - In therapy with partners therapist from prior to me in the picture.  I did not understand the issues in our relationship (repetitive unfounded accusations like thinking of someone else during sex, flirting with friend's wives, cheating (none of which actually occured) ; sometimes violent outbursts - breaking glass, hitting me, throwing things at me; complete sudden change in personality and being nasty and name calling out of the blue.  She is always going through my phone and personal things looking for something .....   I always have a knot in my stomach and after I explained to the therapist that I felt like I was always walking on eggshells, she directed me to the book by Kreger and it all started to be somewhat understood.  There was a history of abuse as a teenager and a history of alcohol abuse (now sober).  I really am not happy and get a knot in my stomach whenever I come home - I don't enjoy coming home.   Things at home can occasionally be OK, but eventually circle around to another cycle of badness - by minimal if any spark that I do not understand.   This is despite doing all of the things that she promised would make thinks OK.  Originally the therapist thought there could be a chance if I could fill a hole that was empty.  At this point, despite trying by honest best, I don't think that I can fill that hole.  I am nauseous at the thought of breaking up the marriage for the children and not knowing what kind of outburst would follow.  I would like to try stay and work it out, but I feel helpless at this point that there can be any real progress or change.  The therapist said that she specializes in BPD and has family members with the ailment.   My wife doesn't believe that she has BPD - as from what I understand most don't.  I guess I am just looking to decompress, looking for any support and advice for anyone going through the same. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Atwitsend2 and

So glad you found us. This is a great place to get support from others who really understand what you're going through -- that if BPD (whether diagnosed or not) is in the mix, "normal range" relationship advice isn't always enough. There are unique challenges to being in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) and those challenges can require new, often unintuitive tools and skills to navigate.

Definitely a lot of moving parts in your situation: kids plus her jealousy/suspicion plus violence is a lot to have going on.

How old are the kids? Are they your shared kids, or just yours, or just hers? How are they doing with home life -- has your wife ever directed her physical violence at them?

Have you ever gotten in touch with a DV hotline? If so, what was their view about what's going on?

...

It makes sense that you're at your wits' end right now and pretty tightly wound. I hope you can know that you don't have to make any big decisions today or while you're under stress. Take some time, settle in here, check out our materials (our DV for men and Do's and Don'ts in a BPD relationship threads are good starting points), and give yourself time to breathe.

As counter-intuitive as it sounds, before things can start to turn around in these relationships, we have to take care of ourselves first. If you aren't in a good headspace (getting better sleep, eating well, physical activity, maintaining some friendships/connections), you won't be able to take the lead on improving your home life.

The person in my life with suspected BPD is my H's kids' mom. If I'm feeling annoyed with my H, or triggered, anxious, or fearful about the kids, I'm not in a great place to make wise decisions with my H for the kids. I do have an individual therapist and she has been really helpful for me getting to a better decisionmaking place. If you can, I'd encourage you to look into some therapy/counseling for yourself -- that plus these boards provide great support as you navigate the complexity of your marriage.

Fill us in on some more details, whenever you can;

kells76

[Atwitsend2]

Thanks for the reply - kids 5,4,1 and mine - I am not sure what the DV hot line entails.

[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the info -- it helps

kids 5,4,1 and mine

Are your oldest in school/preschool at all?

I am not sure what the DV hot line entails.

I didn't either until earlier this year (short story, the kids disclosed some stuff going on at their mom's house and my T thought I needed to call CPS because some of it sounded like DV).

A DV hotline is an anonymous phone number (or, occasionally, text number) you can contact if there is violence going on in the home, or if you aren't sure if what is going on "counts" as DV and you need more info.

They are not police or CPS and they don't secretly do/report anything that you don't know about. They are there to listen, and to educate you about how things work in your area (i.e. if stuff escalates and police get involved), and to give suggestions and feedback about safety planning.

I called my local DV hotline (not the national one) and I appreciated that it was local because there are differences in DV laws and responses by state. Some states are "mandatory arrest" states where if the cops get involved, they are legally required to arrest one party, no matter what. That wasn't exactly our situation but it's a good example of why calling locally can be nice. The national hotline can still be helpful for safety planning (which is coming up with concrete, achievable things to do to keep you and the kids safe if/when your W is violent); their phone number is:

800.799.SAFE (7233)

or you can text START to 88788

or, via their website, you can do a web chat (might be helpful if you are at work on a computer)

You aren't required to do anything they suggest and you can hang up any time, so you're totally in control. And, you can call back as much as you want to. I think I called twice. They were super chill, calm, and helpful.

They might be a good resource to tell about how you're feeling ill at the thought of how your W might respond if you ended the relationship. I bet they have had experiences with other callers that were similar, so maybe they can talk through those feelings with you.

It makes sense you'd feel sick at the thought and worried about her response. Just want to encourage you that you can slow things down, get info, and decide later -- no pressure here, no deadline. One step at a time  

[Atwitsend2]

Thank you - as of now there has been no violence for the kids, but the number is good to have for me!  Appreciated.  Will take it slow for now.

[kells76]

It's not impossible -- though it would be a long process -- to turn around a marriage and family dynamic where one partner is throwing things and breaking things, in addition to having a lot of jealousy and suspicion. You didn't get here overnight, so this is definitely going to be a journey.

Smart of you to take it slow and one step at a time.

Prioritizing what's actually do-able (have some success), and keeping the priority list short, could be a way to go. Of course, run these ideas past your T -- you and your T have the best knowledge of the nuances of your situation.

I'm having three thoughts for what could go on a priority list:

-get yourself in an emotionally centered, healthy, baseline place as much as you can. This can look like: continuing with therapy, having some kind of non-work activity or connection outside the home (going to the gym, spiritual/religious services, meeting a friend for coffee once a week/month), improving sleep schedule if possible, etc

-make sure your kids are taken care of. With three ages 5 & under you really have your hands full. You may need to figure out extra support (more babysitters, extended family involvement, playgroups, daycare, carpools) to get your family through this high stress time. Your W is likely parenting at or past her limit, and if she is, then probably a lot has fallen on you? Leaning on a support structure can help you keep gas in the tank when you're "on" for parenting.

-find one or two simple tools/approaches you can try, not necessarily to improve things immediately, but to "stop the bleeding" as it were. We have a list of threads in our section of articles on Managing Conflict:

2.01 | Karpman Drama Triangle
2.02 | Don't "JADE"(justify, argue, defend, explain)
2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications
2.05 | Stop Accusations and Blaming
2.06 | Arguing - Don't Engage
2.07 | Control and Controlling Behaviors - Why We Engage
2.09 | Stopping Circular Arguments
2.10 | Handling Inappropriate Phone Calls
2.11 | Responding to Hostile Email After the Divorce
2.12 | Is Food a Source of Trouble in Your Home? [romantic partners]
2.13 | Do We Use Projection Toward Our BPD Partner?

you could consider reading through a couple of those, seeing what sounds do-able, and finding moments to practice "turning down the temperature". For example, if you know that you tend to respond defensively when your W is suspicious/jealous, you could read about "How not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)" and decide if stopping JADE-ing in conflicts is something you are up for.

Again, though, going back to what you brought up -- it's smart to take it slow, breathe, and take care of yourself. No sense getting overwhelmed with "you should try this". Run it by your T, get some sleep, and take care of your babies... we'll be here.