Hi Danny123 and welcome to the boards
No worries about figuring out how and where to post -- we get it that you're newer here, and it can take a minute to figure out navigating around the site.
Each board has its own unique focus; this one (Bettering a relationship) focuses on members learning and applying high-level skills/approaches. Anyone can benefit from learning those tools, and even if you're unsure right now what direction to go, you can be benefitted by our
relationship skills area and section on
managing conflict, for example.
We do have a
Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting board that could also be a good fit for your situation. The focus there is less on personal skillbuilding and can be more on weighing pros/cons and navigating legal/divorce stuff. It's a valuable place to talk through real legal facts (vs fears/exaggerations/rumors/stereotypes). So many of us have "been there done that" and can share real-world experiences.
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Given that you have two younger kids, it makes sense to slow down, take a breath, and assess your situation before making big decisions (whatever those may be).
While I don't know your situation as well as you do, often people think they've been being helpful, supportive, giving, and sacrificial in a relationship -- doing everything they could according to "normal" relationship tips -- but if BPD is involved, then it's critical to remember that what is most effective is often very, very unintuitive.
When we stop doing what comes naturally/instinctually to us, and start learning and trying new tools/skills/approaches, it is possible we can be more effective interpersonally, and that brings some hope that the relationship can become "livable enough" (not perfect, and still an "emotional special needs" relationship, but it can get less bad).
An example of stopping our instinctual response and trying something unintuitive could be in the area of
invalidation/validation:
When we hear a loved one say something like "I'm so fat and ugly, nobody loves me", our intuitive sense is that we should encourage them, or prove that they're wrong, or remind them of how much we love them:
"No you're not babe, you look amazing! I love you so much and think you're incredible".
As odd as it sounds, that's an invalidating response that can be hurtful.
Instead of us hearing the feelings going on, and listening to and acknowledging those dark feelings, we've essentially told our loved one: "the way you feel is wrong and I'm not hearing you".
A validating response (note: this is not
agreement) would be:
"Oh wow... it must be so painful to feel that way".
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Anyway -- I think I'm circling towards your questions here:
Does anyone feel like they have gotten to place with their romantic partner who has BPD where they feel their needs are being meet? What helped you get there? Do BPD symptoms occur more or less with age?
I think there are members here who, by stopping making things worse in the dynamic, and by
radically accepting that their partner has emotional limitations, have come to a place where they feel like the relationship is "okay enough". They may need a larger support structure for getting emotional needs met appropriately -- family, friends, therapist, church, spiritual group, etc -- but yes, there are members here who, after accepting that their loved one is emotionally impaired, have been able to stay married and have it be okay. I don't think there are many "blissfully peaceful" relationships here because I think the nature of untreated BPD precludes that from happening. But what's "okay enough" for you doesn't have to look like anyone else's relationship.
I think there are some internet rumors that "BPD gets better with age" and while there may be some kernel of fact in there (possibly related to a published study, but I don't remember right now), I don't think it can be applied to every situation, as each pwBPD is unique. I think the "better with age" study may have had to do with intensity/frequency of observable harmful behaviors such as cutting, suicide attempts, etc, and whatever the study population was, did have a decrease of overtly harmful behaviors. I don't think the study tracked interpersonal stuff, so I don't think any determination can be made about whether those findings apply to blame, raging, arguments, criticism, etc. There are many members here whose pwBPD has not "improved" with age, and there are many members here whose pwBPD has -- it just depends.
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Are you still seeing your counselor?
And how are your kids doing with the situation at home?
Fill us in, whenever works for you;
kells76
