Halloween night

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am writing this to document an event that just occurred. Today is Halloween. My oldest 2 kids set up plans with their friends to trick or treat, etc and the plan was that my uBPDh and I would take our 2 youngest out trick or treating. My husband is not working. I get home from work, having gotten up at 4:30 am, with the house a wreck, the kids staring at their iPads and my h playing fortnite. I instantly was mad but had made a pact with myself earlier in the day thst I would not react to things like this any longer, so I did what I do and cleaned the house so it was decent, got my oldest 2 off to their friends and helped my youngest 2 get ready to trick or treat. The 4 of us head out. My h pulled a wagon in case either of the kids got tired and I went door to door with the kids. I could tell that he was in his not nice mood so I just enjoyed the night with the kids. My daughter, who is 4, was scared of some houses, which of course my h then started asking me questions about each house insinuating that I had something to do with it. I just continued on. We ended the night early. He ran inside, made himself dinner and put the football game on. I asked the kids if they wanted any dinner, went through their candy with them and put in the movie they wanted to watch. I then made my dinner. My d4 loves Doritos. We were out of them but apparently my h had told her he would get some today but didn’t. She got upset when she realized he forgot. She stomped away from my h saying that she was mad at him. He followed her and said do it again and you are in trouble and will go to one out. She continued to do so…she is 4. He then picked her up ,  she started screaming for me. He firmly told her that she had to say sorry before she could go to me and that this was all my fault. I watched patiently from a different room and just encouraged her to say sorry so she could come to me but didn’t say that last part. She says sorry…she is crying and screaming this whole time. She says sorry but he then changes what she has to say and she now has to say sorry daddy for stomping. She screams more and louder. I start to walk to the room as it’s been more than I can take. He then stands up and starts screaming at me that this is all my fault and she only acts this way because of me…meanwhile I am the only one who actually parents her he will buy two ice creams for her because she can’t decide on a flavor, etc. I turn my phone to record. At this point my s6 is now screaming too and I de ide it’s best if we leave sine he refuses to do so. Je follows me over to my son and kicks my dinner plates so they go flying…they are glass so who knows if they broke but the food went flying. The kids and I run upstairs and I close the door and push the mattress up against the door and my daughter is telling me to call the police. My h pushes his way in the room screaming that I can’t do that taking a picture of it saying I am making this up and the kids are not afraid as they scream for me, Arron top of me and beg me to call out of work the next day.  He throws the mattress and yells more and the kids say leave mom alone. He finally goes downstairs and the kids cling to me begging me to take work off tomorrow…so I do. When he is in this mood it doesn’t matter it is going at someone…if I’m not here it’s my older kids if they are not here apparently it’s going at the little kids. I will never leave them alone with him when I know this will happen.

[dtkm]

I am writing this to document an event that just occurred. Today is Halloween. My oldest 2 kids set up plans with their friends to trick or treat, etc and the plan was that my uBPDh and I would take our 2 youngest out trick or treating. My husband is not working. I get home from work, having gotten up at 4:30 am, with the house a wreck, the kids staring at their iPads and my h playing fortnite. I instantly was mad but had made a pact with myself earlier in the day thst I would not react to things like this any longer, so I did what I do and cleaned the house so it was decent, got my oldest 2 off to their friends and helped my youngest 2 get ready to trick or treat. The 4 of us head out. My h pulled a wagon in case either of the kids got tired and I went door to door with the kids. I could tell that he was in his not nice mood so I just enjoyed the night with the kids. My daughter, who is 4, was scared of some houses, which of course my h then started asking me questions about each house insinuating that I had something to do with it. I just continued on. We ended the night early. He ran inside, made himself dinner and put the football game on. I asked the kids if they wanted any dinner, went through their candy with them and put in the movie they wanted to watch. I then made my dinner. My d4 loves Doritos. We were out of them but apparently my h had told her he would get some today but didn’t. She got upset when she realized he forgot. She stomped away from my h saying that she was mad at him. He followed her and said do it again and you are in trouble and will go to one out. She continued to do so…she is 4. He then picked her up ,  she started screaming for me. He firmly told her that she had to say sorry before she could go to me and that this was all my fault. I watched patiently from a different room and just encouraged her to say sorry so she could come to me but didn’t say that last part. She says sorry…she is crying and screaming this whole time. She says sorry but he then changes what she has to say and she now has to say sorry daddy for stomping. She screams more and louder. I start to walk to the room as it’s been more than I can take. He then stands up and starts screaming at me that this is all my fault and she only acts this way because of me…meanwhile I am the only one who actually parents her he will buy two ice creams for her because she can’t decide on a flavor, etc. I turn my phone to record. At this point my s6 is now screaming too and I de ide it’s best if we leave sine he refuses to do so. Je follows me over to my son and kicks my dinner plates so they go flying…they are glass so who knows if they broke but the food went flying. The kids and I run upstairs and I close the door and push the mattress up against the door and my daughter is telling me to call the police. My h pushes his way in the room screaming that I can’t do that taking a picture of it saying I am making this up and the kids are not afraid as they scream for me, Arron top of me and beg me to call out of work the next day.  He throws the mattress and yells more and the kids say leave mom alone. He finally goes downstairs and the kids cling to me begging me to take work off tomorrow…so I do. When he is in this mood it doesn’t matter it is going at someone…if I’m not here it’s my older kids if they are not here apparently it’s going at the little kids. I will never leave them alone with him when I know this will happen.

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[dtkm]

I am laying in bed with my 2 youngest kids. I have gotten my s7 to sleep and am cuddling with my d4 watching her tv show. My h comes in the room giving me a horrible look but acting like nothing happened to my daughter. I continue to watch tv and my daughter clings to me. He asks her if she is hungry, she says no, clinging tighter. He get his pjs on then comes back over to her and try’s to interact with her…she clings more to me showing that she doesn’t want anything to do with him. He says as he walks away…sorry I made you mad. Ugh.

[kells76]

Hi dtkm;

Wow, that sounds stressful.

As you reflect back, was last night an escalation?

Are the kids in school today?

[dtkm]

Yes, I would say about once every 2 months he has a complete escalation. This is way less then before as this used to be weekly. It’s like he has so much bottled up and he won’t reflect on what the real issue is so he has to explode outward at someone. It was horrible. I am so happy that my older kids were not home. He has returned to baseline acting like nothing happened with the kids but they want nothing to do with him, especially my d4. They are off from school today, so I called into work. They were begging me and I couldn’t imagine leaving them in this situation, so I did. Besides doing what I did, walking away and not really engaging I don’t know what else to do in these situations.

[kells76]

It can be really hard to know what to do in those high-intensity situations, I get it. It's so stressful when kids are involved, too. There really aren't easy choices.

Have you ever considered calling a DV hotline to get their feedback? They aren't mandatory reporters and won't tell you "you just have to leave" -- they can give you some thoughtful advice for making it through those repeated escalations. They might be able to work with you to come up with a home safety plan, so that you don't have to "make it up as you go"; you have a set thing you and the kids can do when your H escalates.

It doesn't have to be "all or nothing": it's not like either "everything has to be fine" or "the kids and I are leaving". Hotline staff will understand that it's complicated and there can be many reasons to stay. Their focus will be on everyone's safety whether in or out of the home.

I think I just searched for something like "My City, My State DV hotline" and called my local one. I appreciated that they understood how things worked in my specific area.

There's also the national hotline if you don't have a local one:

phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
text: send START to 88788
or web chat thru the site

When you get a few minutes, do you think you can connect with a hotline, and let us know what they said?

[dtkm]

Thanks Kels, yes that is something that I need to do. The problem is that he is on my phone somehow and knows any text or call that is made…he may very well be reading this as I type it!  So I’m not sure what to do!  Just today, I got accused of having an affair over lunch at work because one of my coworkers text me to tell me that a procedure that I was supposed to watch was happening over lunch in a different part of the hospital. When I got home he said “so how was lunch”. And then went on about this apparent made up affair. So…clearly he has access to my phone!  This is not the first time he has said something that has made me believe this! 

[kells76]

Hi dtkm;

Yeah, that would be difficult to trust that you could make a private call to a DV hotline from your own phone. It's good to know that that might not be the best way to reach out to a DV resource.

I wonder if there's a work phone, or work computer, or coworker's phone, that you could use? I bet the DV hotline workers would really understand your situation (not trusting you can use your own device), and they may have some helpful ideas about how to navigate that.

Any thoughts on that approach?

[try2heal]

Thanks Kels, yes that is something that I need to do. The problem is that he is on my phone somehow and knows any text or call that is made…he may very well be reading this as I type it!  So I’m not sure what to do!  Just today, I got accused of having an affair over lunch at work because one of my coworkers text me to tell me that a procedure that I was supposed to watch was happening over lunch in a different part of the hospital. When I got home he said “so how was lunch”. And then went on about this apparent made up affair. So…clearly he has access to my phone!  This is not the first time he has said something that has made me believe this! 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 800.799.SAFE (7233). Website https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/  They have information on clearing browser history and checking your cell phone as well. You may also want to get a "burner phone" or call the hotline from work.