My Husband’s kid’s problems are escalating

[Black_Iris]

 
We’re a blended family, married for 10 years. My hubby has 3 kids, the youngest which is the one with the personality disorder. I have a child too from a previous marriage who is 2 years younger than my husband’s youngest.
Ever since I’ve met my husband’s kids, the youngest has had issues. His parents have never acknowledged the reality and gravity of the situation, they only accepted the ADHD diagnosis. Even when the child killed the classroom pet just because, nobody took this seriously. Now, he has finally a diagnosis, because his behaviour got so much worse that they couldn’t ignore it. The child’s 13 y/o, and has been lying, manipulating, cheating and stealing increasingly. He also self-harms.
He’s put allergens in my child’s food and toothbrush. Stole from everyone, and left little “hello letters” in one of his thefts to my things. I’ve woken up more than once with him standing by my bed. Now he’s being my child’s copycat… it’s scary.
They diagnosed him with ODD and ASPD and BPD traits. We were told to be careful, so I asked my SO to please bring him no more than the mandatory days. He just brought the kid out of those days and has never left. I’m exhausted and scared. My kid is too.
Can you please give me some advice?
Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Black_Iris
It really is scary. Can you tell us what the arrangement should be and how did it happen that your SO brought him outside that time?

My understanding is that since then he is still staying with you? Do the other children of your SO come at regular times too?

Sorry so many questions - just wanting to get a picture of how things are supposed to work. It does sound as though the child has really significant issues and you need to be proactive in anticipating and preventing harm.

[Black_Iris]

Hi! Of course. The other kids will always come on their fixed days, which are every Tuesday till Wednesday, and then one weekend yes and one no. But suddenly my husband just keeps the youngest for 10 straight days. I spoke to him, told him no, and he just ignored me and brings him again and has him stay more days. I honestly don’t know what to do because he’s not started with his new meds since they’re starting him on those in two weeks. Currently he’s taking a mild antidepressant, Ritalin and a mild anxiety medication. They told us they would change that to 2 different antipsychotics and something else that’s quite new for BPD symptoms but I don’t remember the name of the medication.
My child is quite scared of him too.
His siblings sometimes feel as if not coming when he comes is a break, but I find it unfair for my child too.
I know this might all sound quite harsh on my behalf, but I’m tired. I don’t sleep when he’s here. He walks through the night sometimes and touches things at home. He’s stolen son many things. Last week he tied a rubber band on my dog’s paw at night. I need my husband to understand I need to feel safe too…I need my child to be safe… This is my first post, can you give me advice?

[Sancho]

Hi Black_Iris
No you are not being harsh. You are grasping the seriousness of the situation - but your husband is not. Right now the child is probably coming off the usual meds - you said it's two weeks until he starts new ones - and it's likely his mother is not coping - so  dad has stepped in and brought him there with no consultation with you

What I gather is:
the doctor has diagnosed the child with psychosis or psychotic episodes (these meds are not used lightly in the case of children)
the child has shown multiple dysfunction including the worrying incident with the animal at school  - and the band in relation to your pet

Also you were told to be careful.

I am not sure how much more your husband needs to be alerted to the possibility of his son causing serious harm - particularly at this time until he settles into a new medication which might be helpful.

What to do? I've been mulling this over during the night!

I think the steps I would consider are the following:

I would make an appointment with my own doctor and tell them of the situation and how it is affecting you. I would tell my husband that I was doing this.
Sit down with dh and say you cannot continue with the child outside the usual days. If he agrees to this then I would insist he supervises the child at all times when the child is there - even sleeping in the same room as the child, and definitely he shouldn't go to sleep until the child is asleep.

Is it possible for you to stay somewhere else until the new medication has started and the usual routine is established? If so I would tell dh that I was going to do that if he flatly refuses to work with you in dealing with this worrying situation.

If you are not able to stay somewhere else I would have no qualms in reorganising the house so that you had a safe room for you and your son to be in at night - and during the day if necessary. (and your pet!)

You are right to be deeply concerned - people are not told 'to be careful' without reason and your dh needs to take this seriously. If he chooses not to do so, then you need to look at all the options available to keep you, your son, your pets safe.

Hopefully the news meds will help and things can settle. But until then put all those options for safety on the table and see what options are workable for you.