Working with my suspected BPD partner

[HopefulPenguin]

Hey everyone

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am with a partner that I believe is to be working with BPD. I have been in therapy for a couple of years now, seeing both a psychologist and a therapist. They both are familiar with my situation and from what they have told me is they suspect my partner might be working with BPD, on top of her actual diagnosis of Bipolar II. I have been digging into BPD and a lot of the stories and accounts I read hit too close to home for me. I have found another post on this forum and feel compelled to post my experience to seek support from others who understand BPD.

To give a high level of what my partner and I work with on the daily. She can be fun and playful, and almost instantly be activated because a door is open, our dog made a bark, her mom called her, something she remembered she forgot to do, a weird smell she notices, and other life stuff that happens unexpectedly. I try to be open minded and understanding when she is activated, but it's almost like reasoning and trust in me just goes out the door. It's almost like working with a completely different person.

She will resort to devaluing my efforts in our relationship saying I'm lazy and worthless. She resorts to punishing me by hiding things I need. I will get kicked out of the house or car, if she is feeling activated. All of it has been taking a large toll on my mental health.

I have spoken of my experiences with my mental health professionals, and both have told me that they suspect BPD is at play here, and I should focus on my mental safety, at the highest priority. I feel they are insinuating I should get out and leave.

I love this person with all of my heart. I don't want to abandon her in her time of need. I have asked for her to get help and talk to someone about her strong feelings. Often times my partner will tell me I am the emotionally soft one, who's sensitive and constantly has hurt feelings, and that I need the help more than her. She says she loves me and pushes really hard to take care of me, for instance doing a lot of the chores for me while I'm busy at work, or do other tasks I said I have handled. I have told her I feel like she bulldozes over me and my feelings are secondary.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have this void that's tearing me apart from the inside, seeking the acknowledgement that just isn't there. I'm just at a lost of what I should be feeling or doing.

Thanks for reading

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello HopefulPenguin and a warm

These are hard relationships, when BPD is in the mix -- it definitely takes more than just entry-level skills and tools for the relationship to have a better chance. And there's a lot you love and appreciate about your partner, so despite the difficulty, it makes sense that you're looking for more right now than "get out now" messaging.

To give a high level of what my partner and I work with on the daily. She can be fun and playful, and almost instantly be activated because a door is open, our dog made a bark, her mom called her, something she remembered she forgot to do, a weird smell she notices, and other life stuff that happens unexpectedly. I try to be open minded and understanding when she is activated, but it's almost like reasoning and trust in me just goes out the door. It's almost like working with a completely different person.

The "instant activation" you describe makes sense. pwBPD (persons with BPD) can also be described as being chronically emotionally dysregulated. All of us can experience emotional dysregulation -- have we ever "lost it" in anger, been devastated by grief, experienced paralyzing fear... emotional dysregulation is a universal human experience. The difference for pwBPD is that it's chronic, not transitory. pwBPD have pretty impactful skills deficits when it comes to healthy management of the extreme emotions they experience, so instead of your partner being able to cope with "normal life stuff", she gets emotionally activated at things that you or I might experience as a 2/10, not a 9/10.

She will resort to devaluing my efforts in our relationship saying I'm lazy and worthless. She resorts to punishing me by hiding things I need. I will get kicked out of the house or car, if she is feeling activated. All of it has been taking a large toll on my mental health.

Tell me some more about that -- am I tracking with you that after she gets activated, what she does then is devalue your efforts and punish you (like, one follows the other)?

Do the two of you live together in the same house?

...

Just a couple more questions, to get a better sense of your situation:

How long have the two of you been together?

And would you say that your biggest issue right now is what she says (verbally denigrating your efforts), her hiding things you need, her kicking you out, or something else?

Staying in a BPD relationship won't be easy, yet people stay for many reasons that are deeply personal. Learning more about the reality of staying, building new relationship tools and skills, and posting and getting support here can help give your relationship the best chance.

Fill us in more, whenever works for you!

kells76